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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to dps birthday

147 replies

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:04

Dps birthday is today. Originally I planned for us to go up to London for dinner and then reached out to two our mutual friends (his best friend's) to surprise him after for some drinks. That was fine. All was set. Until another guy in our friendship group who's birthday it is on Saturday got involved and turned the whole thing into a massive joint birthday. The whole thing now includes 15 people and we are meant to be meeting in a bar after our dinner (dp doesn't know this obviously).

Here's the thing, although I know its not about me one of the people included is my ex, the other bday guys close friend, and I don't like him. I have tried to play it civil with this ex as I realise we have mutual friends but he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp. It's annoying and disrespectful. He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

Another guy that is also coming is someone I used to like. He is bringing his new gf and although I don't like him I'm just really not looking forward to being around all these people. The problem is now that it is a joint birthday thing I don't feel like I can drop out otherwise it would mean dp missing out.

I'm just really not feeling my best at the moment, feeling down due to various things happening in my life. With so much in my life out of control I begrudge the fact that I can't just say no to something that makes me so uncomfortable. I sacrifice so much and it seems like I'm constantly asked of things me that I don't want to do. Me and dp hardly ever get to go out (childcare) so its a shame that when we finaly do, it will not be an enjoyable time for me at all. If it was up to me I'd never see this ex again.

Aibu to just drop off dp and go home from London? I know it will raise eyebrows to everyone in our friendship group and even dp but I just don't know what the alternative is other than gritting my teeth and bearing it

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:06

I think it was vice versa I wouldn't want dp to put himself in such a uncomfortable situation at my expense! But that's just me

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 10/02/2023 07:12

Just speak to DP and explain that the plan has changed and youre not comfortable so it would be more fun to have your dinner and then go for drinks just the 2 of you. Surely he doesn't want to be around your ex either?

GoldilockMom · 10/02/2023 07:16

If he doesn’t know about the meet up, you can surely miss the drinks bit? He can have drinks with his friends another time.

Just duck out and go out together.

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:18

@Flamingogirl08 my ex is his good school friend. He is fine being around him, dp doesn't really see things like that and is rarely a jealous person

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 10/02/2023 07:18

Drop the surprise bit and talk it through with DP.

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:19

@GoldilockMom I could but then I'd be making him miss out on all his friends getting together. The guy who's bday it is on Saturday was going to invite him but because I had something already planned with some of the friends from our friendship group it had to merge together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:20

@Quitelikeacatslife I'd love to but I feel like not only would it spoil the surprise but it would spoil his birthday by me complaining about something I know dp would really enjoy. I don't want him to say okay we won't go out of obligation for me when that's not what he truly wants

OP posts:
Overthebow · 10/02/2023 07:23

I’d just go. It’s your DPs birthday and you know he’d want to go.

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:25

@Overthebow I know. I just really don't want to. No matter how I try I can't sime myself up for it and hate the fact that I feel forced.

Last time I saw this ex he literally walked up to me and dp then put his back to me and pushed me out mid convo with dp. He started directly talking to dp and acting like I wasn't there.

I don't want to experience that on what is meant to be a nice night out.

OP posts:
fruitstick · 10/02/2023 07:31

I'm not sure this is all good advice. If I found out that there were surprise drinks organised for my birthday, and my partner decided they didn't fancy it so we didn't go, I'd be livid.

Does your partner like surprises? Does he like these people?

I would explain the situation to him. Either he'll decide it's not his cup of tea either, or he'll at least be aware you're uncomfortable.

Shit as it is, I tu

fruitstick · 10/02/2023 07:31

Shit as it is, I think you're going to have to suck it up and go n

Harrysutton · 10/02/2023 07:32

I’d go, get on with the good friends and ignore the two
you don’t get on with. Complete stone wall and have a great time. You’re already overthinking it when you should be enjoying it.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 10/02/2023 07:32

You don’t really have any other options.

Realistically; if you drop him off there and go home, surely he’d come with you? Check you were okay? So he won’t be going anyway.

So he does either miss out, or you go. There isn’t another option.

What is the long term plan here? If there’s an ex and an old crush in your boyfriends close friend group; and you don’t want to see them - how do you propose that happens?

I’d see this one through, but I’d walk away if ex blocked me off from any conversations and I’d expect DP to notice and mention that.

mewkins · 10/02/2023 07:35

How about going for a meal.with him, take him to the surprise venue, say hi to everyone then make your excuses about needing to get back for the kids and go home?

Flossiemoss · 10/02/2023 07:35

Why is dp tolerating his friend excluding you like this? Dp should be sticking up for you here and making sure you are included or “friend” knows not to treat you like that.
I think you may have to go but I’d drop the secrecy and have an honest chat with dp about how his friends make you feel.

SalviaOfficinalis · 10/02/2023 07:36

I think dropping him off to a birthday surprise with all his friends would be a very nice thing to do. Try to think of it that way.

I think it’s important to socialise as an individual without your other half sometimes.

ChippyTea16 · 10/02/2023 07:37

Yeah sorry OP but I think I’d suck it up for the sake of my dp having a nice birthday. If there’s 15 of you going surely you don’t have to go near your ex? Just play him at his own game and ignore him completely. Maybe try and make friends with the new gf as she’s probably thinking she won’t know anyone either. If it gets really uncomfortable just let your dp know and he might suggest the two of you going somewhere else? But at least you’d have made the effort. It’s shit when you’re not looking forward to it tho but hopefully it will be fine once you’re there!

AutisticLegoLover · 10/02/2023 07:38

I'd not be happy that my dp was good friends with someone who did something terrible to me.

Paq · 10/02/2023 07:39

In a group of 15 you can probably just not interact with this guy beyond an initial hello.

You are giving an ex a lot of headspace and control. Maybe you need to change your attitude to him. He's just a person from your past.

Go but give yourself permission to leave early if you are unhappy. Be honest with your DP.

bumbledeedum · 10/02/2023 07:42

Why did you not speak out when that person pushed you out the conversation with your DP? Put on your big girl pants and point out it was bloody rude at the time and stop allowing people to treat you like shit.

Flamingogirl08 · 10/02/2023 07:44

So this person is awful to you but DP is still good friends with him?

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 10/02/2023 07:45

I'd suck it up, but I'd also be very cross with the friends you approached first - they committed to something with you and should have stuck to that. It would taint how I saw them a bit in the future.

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:46

@bumbledeedum after that time I pointed out to dp that he should of stood up for me or at the very least included me. Dp agreed it was weird and uncomfortable for him too. Problem is in the kindest way dp doesn't have a spine when it comes to these things. He hates confrontation, not that it needs to be aggressively done and I seriously suspect because they are both guys dp doesn't know how to talk like that.

@AutisticLegoLover dp was friends with him waaaaay before I came onto the scene. They aren't particular involved in each others lives anymore but they still are friends on good terms and when things like this happen they won't not talk to each other

Maybe I should be able to expect otherwise from dp but if he is going to talk to my ex then so be it I can't control that.

OP posts:
Hydie · 10/02/2023 07:47

Can't you just rise above the ones you don't like and tell yourself that they are irrelevant to you. They shouldn't be allowed to be having such an impact on your feelings. Remember what/who is important here, and it's sure not them x

hobbledyhoy · 10/02/2023 07:48

I would go, enjoy yourself and immerse yourself in chatting with the others you do get on with and also make sure that if the ex was rude enough to purposely cut me out a conversation I would make clear that behaviour is not going to be tolerated and won't upset you so it's pointless.
I know how difficult these things can be but ultimately it's power play, don't give him the power.

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