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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go to dps birthday

147 replies

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:04

Dps birthday is today. Originally I planned for us to go up to London for dinner and then reached out to two our mutual friends (his best friend's) to surprise him after for some drinks. That was fine. All was set. Until another guy in our friendship group who's birthday it is on Saturday got involved and turned the whole thing into a massive joint birthday. The whole thing now includes 15 people and we are meant to be meeting in a bar after our dinner (dp doesn't know this obviously).

Here's the thing, although I know its not about me one of the people included is my ex, the other bday guys close friend, and I don't like him. I have tried to play it civil with this ex as I realise we have mutual friends but he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp. It's annoying and disrespectful. He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

Another guy that is also coming is someone I used to like. He is bringing his new gf and although I don't like him I'm just really not looking forward to being around all these people. The problem is now that it is a joint birthday thing I don't feel like I can drop out otherwise it would mean dp missing out.

I'm just really not feeling my best at the moment, feeling down due to various things happening in my life. With so much in my life out of control I begrudge the fact that I can't just say no to something that makes me so uncomfortable. I sacrifice so much and it seems like I'm constantly asked of things me that I don't want to do. Me and dp hardly ever get to go out (childcare) so its a shame that when we finaly do, it will not be an enjoyable time for me at all. If it was up to me I'd never see this ex again.

Aibu to just drop off dp and go home from London? I know it will raise eyebrows to everyone in our friendship group and even dp but I just don't know what the alternative is other than gritting my teeth and bearing it

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/02/2023 14:30

So despite this awful behaviour from an ex some years ago, your weak spineless partner expects you not only to have gotten over it, but that he can invite this prick to a BBQ?

No wonder you are low in yourself.

Where is your kindness and self respect.

Your partner is awful, just awful.

Let him off.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Stop doing so much for other people.

Being a mug hollows people out and leaves them feeling nothing but empty.

If you don't start valuing and minding yourself you are risking your precious MH.

Far better to be alone than lonely with someone who doesn't cherish you and ave your back.

Weak spineless men are ten a penny.

He's really no prize.

Ahwelltoobad · 10/02/2023 14:32

Ugh, I feel for you @Whatsthestitch, you are def not BU. I agree with @Bookworm20, do what you planned, a lovely evening for you both. I can really empathise you when you write 'that's ALL I DO'! No more of that! Flowers

Andylion · 10/02/2023 15:14

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2023 09:48

Ex comes over and starts talking to them and phases me out by acting like i don't exist. So I then feel like I can't sit with my good friends or talk to them when he is there.

Sorry to ask the obvious, but why don't YOU call him out on it?

But also, why didn’t your friends call him out? Why does this dickhead get away with being an asshole to you and no-one calls him out?

2Rebecca · 10/02/2023 15:21

The time to stop this was when the bar for 15 was first suggested. I'd have just said to the 2 friends you had invited that if they wanted to go to that then that's fine and you and partner would do your own thing. I'm not a fan of surprises, especially on my birthday though so wouldn't get involved in this sort of stuff.

Deviniaursula · 10/02/2023 16:30

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toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2023 16:45

@Deviniaursula how many posters on here have told the OP to suck it up so her partner can have a nice birthday. People need to be calling out bad behaviour

Deviniaursula · 10/02/2023 17:11

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Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 17:22

There are 15 people there. It doesn’t need to be all about you and this man. There are many others you can talk to.

I’d go, but I’d figure why this man still looms so large in your life. And has a lot of power over you.

I don’t know what he did during your relationship but I’d maybe consider therapy to help you come to terms with it.

he clearly doesn’t wish to talk to you. So if he turns his back to you, go speak to the other dozen folks there. As this is making it all about you and him,

Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 17:23

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Bloody hell. Why attack women like this . There are 15 of them there. She can talk to one of the other dozen who aren’t this man

Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 17:24

Andylion · 10/02/2023 15:14

But also, why didn’t your friends call him out? Why does this dickhead get away with being an asshole to you and no-one calls him out?

Show quote history

Likely as they are his friend too and don’t wish to get involved in taking sides

safetyfreak · 10/02/2023 17:28

Honestly this all sounds SO immature. You all need to grow up.

Also your DH is a wimp for not standing up for you and allowing this ex to be near him considering the history.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2023 17:30

Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 17:22

There are 15 people there. It doesn’t need to be all about you and this man. There are many others you can talk to.

I’d go, but I’d figure why this man still looms so large in your life. And has a lot of power over you.

I don’t know what he did during your relationship but I’d maybe consider therapy to help you come to terms with it.

he clearly doesn’t wish to talk to you. So if he turns his back to you, go speak to the other dozen folks there. As this is making it all about you and him,

"he clearly doesn’t wish to talk to you. So if he turns his back to you, go speak to the other dozen folks there. As this is making it all about you and him,"
Did you miss the bit where he chooses to approach the people she is already talking to, then turns his back on her - forming a barrier between herself and the person she was originally in conversation with, freezing her out?

The person making this "all about you and this man" - is the man. He is taking great effort to make her as uncomfortable as possible.

What would you recommend, that she allow herself to be frozen out, trot off and start another conversation elsewhere and wait for him to repeat his little party trick? Actually, having said that, I might just do that @Whatsthestitch - see how many times he'll repeat it before any of these fifteen fucking arseholes notices his shameful behaviour and their collusion in his continuing abuse of you even now. Sheesh.

Deviniaursula · 10/02/2023 17:30

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Stuffynosetime · 10/02/2023 17:31

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2023 17:30

"he clearly doesn’t wish to talk to you. So if he turns his back to you, go speak to the other dozen folks there. As this is making it all about you and him,"
Did you miss the bit where he chooses to approach the people she is already talking to, then turns his back on her - forming a barrier between herself and the person she was originally in conversation with, freezing her out?

The person making this "all about you and this man" - is the man. He is taking great effort to make her as uncomfortable as possible.

What would you recommend, that she allow herself to be frozen out, trot off and start another conversation elsewhere and wait for him to repeat his little party trick? Actually, having said that, I might just do that @Whatsthestitch - see how many times he'll repeat it before any of these fifteen fucking arseholes notices his shameful behaviour and their collusion in his continuing abuse of you even now. Sheesh.

Show quote history

Good god. Calm down.

Deviniaursula · 10/02/2023 17:32

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EyesOnThePies · 10/02/2023 17:47

OP, I think continuing with the ‘surprise’ thing has made this much harder for you. Just discuss it with your DP.

You arranged a nice night out, you don’t have to allow it to be hijacked.

MeridianB · 10/02/2023 19:16

but my close friend who is a mutual friend with ex was having ago at me saying it was unfair to exclude him and keep him from his friends.

If they a close friend then they should understand your reasons for not going instead of guilting you into it!

2Rebecca · 10/02/2023 19:47

I think nice birthday meal with your partner and booze up with male mates including your partners ex who is horrible to your partner are 2 different types of birthday. As it's his birthday maybe he gets to choose which one he wants. I would make it clear I wasn't going to booze up if my nasty ex who hates me was going to be there. No more surprise birthdays.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/02/2023 22:08

I don't understand why when thr other friend suggested joint drinks and you knew that your ex would be there, you just didn't say NO.

Why didn't you say, that Friday night is dinner and drinks as a couple. You do drinks on Saturday and partner will come

Dishwashersaurous · 10/02/2023 22:12

What happened?

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 12/02/2023 12:29

@Dishwashersaurous I actually ended up telling dp during the day as it was the dya of his bday it kind of ruined the surprise element but not really. I told my dp that if I felt that he was being disrespectful or rude to me in any way I will not tolerate having our evening spoiled and leave, he agreed.

I just really wished he didn't go at all....

And turns out he didn't!!! He dropped out last minute. The relief when I went to the bar to not see him there. It turned something that I was having anxiety over and getting really stressed over into a nice experience. I'm hoping at this point moving forward he will just be a no show to all the events I'm at. As I posted in my op he usually goes out of his way to avoid me so I was expecting him to not go to dps party at all. I think he just had to say yes and make it out as if he was because the other guy is his best friend but he most likely had no intentions of actually going knowing him. Really he is the most spineless guy here. But that suits me just fine if it means never seeing his face again.

I think for next time I just won't turn up if he is going. Which is a shame as I don't want to miss out on nice nights out because of him, but I just don't know if the stress of it all is worth it.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 09:10

So pleased that you were actually able to talk to your partner about it, and had a good night

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