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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to dps birthday

147 replies

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:04

Dps birthday is today. Originally I planned for us to go up to London for dinner and then reached out to two our mutual friends (his best friend's) to surprise him after for some drinks. That was fine. All was set. Until another guy in our friendship group who's birthday it is on Saturday got involved and turned the whole thing into a massive joint birthday. The whole thing now includes 15 people and we are meant to be meeting in a bar after our dinner (dp doesn't know this obviously).

Here's the thing, although I know its not about me one of the people included is my ex, the other bday guys close friend, and I don't like him. I have tried to play it civil with this ex as I realise we have mutual friends but he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp. It's annoying and disrespectful. He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

Another guy that is also coming is someone I used to like. He is bringing his new gf and although I don't like him I'm just really not looking forward to being around all these people. The problem is now that it is a joint birthday thing I don't feel like I can drop out otherwise it would mean dp missing out.

I'm just really not feeling my best at the moment, feeling down due to various things happening in my life. With so much in my life out of control I begrudge the fact that I can't just say no to something that makes me so uncomfortable. I sacrifice so much and it seems like I'm constantly asked of things me that I don't want to do. Me and dp hardly ever get to go out (childcare) so its a shame that when we finaly do, it will not be an enjoyable time for me at all. If it was up to me I'd never see this ex again.

Aibu to just drop off dp and go home from London? I know it will raise eyebrows to everyone in our friendship group and even dp but I just don't know what the alternative is other than gritting my teeth and bearing it

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 09:11

To the poster saying he is an ex of course he isn't going to talk to me, sometimes we have intimate meet ups and we are bound to bump into each other. Given we share so many friends in common I thought it was the most mature approach to try and at the very least be civil. Its not like I go up to him for a chat but an example would be

I'm talking to two of my close friends. Ex comes over and starts talking to them and phases me out by acting like i don't exist. So I then feel like I can't sit with my good friends or talk to them when he is there. Him doing it me and dp was literally the straw that broke the camels back for me. Its the fact that he wronged me so badly and yet I can try and rise above it and he still can't. If anyone should be acting the way he is it should be me.

I was really annoyed the night dp didn't stand up for me and it spoiled the whole outing. As I said me and dp hardly ever get out, we are lucky if we do something once every 2-5 months. So when we do to have some twat that I would very much prefer gone from my life ruin it is more frustrating.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 10/02/2023 09:12

Caramia23 · 10/02/2023 08:21

@Whatsthestitch I'm a great believer in plain speaking & honestly if I were in your shoes I would long ago have said to dp "I'm not going to dictate who you socialise with, but for me it's very important I have a boundary in place with ex & therefore I am not going to socialise with him".
While I personally feel your dp should have your back with regards to your ex I also appreciate that large friend groups are complex - if your dp still chooses to socialise with this guy that's his business but it doesn't mean you have to! In this instance I would go to the meal, let dp off to do what he wants but come home myself. In this way you haven't curtailed dp's birthday celebrations but you've respected yourself & your boundaries in the process.

Exactly this.

ShimmeringShirts · 10/02/2023 09:13

“He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.”

If your ex did something terrible to you there is no way your DP should be happy or even ok with being around him himself, let alone you being around him. YANBU - and I think you should talk to your DP. If he’s worth his salt he’ll not want to go, if he’s not then he’s not a keeper and you deserve better than a man that thinks it’s ok to be around someone that’s hurt you.

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 09:15

@ShimmeringShirts should and can I really expect that of dp? To just avoid turning up when this person is there and make a point of it even if it means he misses out on friend outings.

Matter of the fact is it doesn't bother dp, so if I say anything it will only be me indirectly forcing him to not go to these things he clearly doesn't have a problem with

OP posts:
Wnikat · 10/02/2023 09:15

I think what you’re proposing is fine so long as you clearly communicate to your DP what the plan is. Bollocks to the surprise. Talk to the guy.

JennyDarlingRIP · 10/02/2023 09:18

Thing is OP stuff like this happens if you date people connected to each other. I see it with old school friends who I now see rarely but they all still live/work/socialist in the same area we grew up in .
He can't make you feel excluded if you don't allow it, you're talking to two friends he comes over talks to them and you feel excluded and like you can't talk to them, just carry on talking as you were, if he physically blocks you out, you say excuse me , you're standing right in front of me, I've not moved. Your husband would also have said something when he did it to you and him, or reached out moved next to you etc. Both of you need to stand up for yourselves. Don't ruin what was going to be a good night by worrying about an ex and someone you used to fancy with his new GF.

ShimmeringShirts · 10/02/2023 09:18

@Whatsthestitch you absolutely should expect that of your DP. Someone hurt you, whether that was mentally or physically they have done you harm and your DP should want to protect you from that. They shouldn’t be being all pally and happy with someone that’s done something terrible to you. It would be a massive deal breaker for me if (assuming I had one!) my DP went and acted friendly to the ex that abused me.

2023usernameNew · 10/02/2023 09:23

Personally I would go to the party, after the surprise, Surprise element, I would take my husband aside and tell him that you’re doing this for him but that if your ex is a dick to you like last time, you’re walking out the door, but make it clear (if that’s how you feel) that you’d be more than happy for him to stay a bit longer on his own.

peachgreen · 10/02/2023 09:28

I think you need to go, but I think you also need to have a serious conversation with your DP about the fact that he's tolerating his friend's behaviour towards you. At the very least I would expect him to make it clear to his friend that it's unacceptable, and depending on what this horrible thing was that your ex did, I would be questioning why he still feels it's appropriate to be his friend.

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2023 09:29

This why men get away with awful behaviour, other men let them get away it and don’t change their behaviour towards them and women have to suck it up.

Thoughtful2355 · 10/02/2023 09:42

Sorry but I do think your making a mountain over a mole hill. I have to grin a bear working with people I dislike, yes it's annoying but I live, I'm ok .... Just go, have a few drinks and don't talk to those that annoy you, focus on the ones u do like .. do it for your partners sake and don't complain.

It's really not a big deal

TomatoSandwiches · 10/02/2023 09:44

YANBU life is too short to spend time with people that you don't like or ones that have been abusive.

I really don't know why you are with your DP, he sounds pathetic and his actions tell me you are way way down on his priority list.

I would leave him for his Birthday tbh.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2023 09:46

You're right, it's not about you. But you are making it about you.

You say you rarely get to go out so I'm sure your DP is looking forward to a night out. I know you 'don't want to' but I really think you need to suck it up, be the bigger person and put a smile on for the evening. It's only for a few hours.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2023 09:48

Ex comes over and starts talking to them and phases me out by acting like i don't exist. So I then feel like I can't sit with my good friends or talk to them when he is there.

Sorry to ask the obvious, but why don't YOU call him out on it?

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 09:50

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 09:11

To the poster saying he is an ex of course he isn't going to talk to me, sometimes we have intimate meet ups and we are bound to bump into each other. Given we share so many friends in common I thought it was the most mature approach to try and at the very least be civil. Its not like I go up to him for a chat but an example would be

I'm talking to two of my close friends. Ex comes over and starts talking to them and phases me out by acting like i don't exist. So I then feel like I can't sit with my good friends or talk to them when he is there. Him doing it me and dp was literally the straw that broke the camels back for me. Its the fact that he wronged me so badly and yet I can try and rise above it and he still can't. If anyone should be acting the way he is it should be me.

I was really annoyed the night dp didn't stand up for me and it spoiled the whole outing. As I said me and dp hardly ever get out, we are lucky if we do something once every 2-5 months. So when we do to have some twat that I would very much prefer gone from my life ruin it is more frustrating.

OP if I saw an Ex who had been bad to me striding over to me and my partner to have a chat with him I’d look him dead in the eye, look disdainfully up and down and purposefully stroll away to talk to one of the many other people you clearly know there. Why are you sitting or standing with this guy to let him try and intimidate you like that in the first place? I guarantee you that if you do that once or twice he won’t come near you again at any other events. You are describing yourself quite passive aggressively in all of this. I also can’t understand why if your partner was disgusted with your ex’s behaviour he still stands and has a chat to him? Surely if he has to he should have a two minute conversation and then say I’m going to the bar, I’ll speak to you later and then join you.
Its awkward and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt to say that you don’t mean it to, but your description DOES sound like you are making his birthday all about you. It’s his day.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 09:53

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 09:15

@ShimmeringShirts should and can I really expect that of dp? To just avoid turning up when this person is there and make a point of it even if it means he misses out on friend outings.

Matter of the fact is it doesn't bother dp, so if I say anything it will only be me indirectly forcing him to not go to these things he clearly doesn't have a problem with

Are you not concerned that your partner doesn’t think that what happened to you was a big deal? I cannot imagine any man I’ve ever been with chatting away with someone who had done something terrible to me. That’s not normal

Clara202 · 10/02/2023 09:56

I’d unfortunately suck it up for the sake of your partner. If I was you I’d book hair and makeup, treat yourself to a new outfit so that you’re feeling your absolute best, confident. But, I would also call out the ex on it the second it happens. I’d make a joke of it but also get the point across. For example if he turned his back to me in a conversation, I’d literally shove my way back in and joke ‘oh sorry I assume you didn’t see me there’ and give him a big smile, or ‘wow the back of your head is absolutely gorgeous’ and laugh in his face. And if I had to do that 5 or 6 times a night, I’d carry on doing it! You’re being polite but you’re also saying ‘as if you’re going to ruin my partner’s birthday for me’. I have an acquaintance who kept doing similar to all our partners (I can only assume it’s jealousy as she’s the only single one), it was downright rude so I called her out on it in a polite/jokey way but also got the point across. She refused to speak to any of them, didn’t want them there at all. So I said something like ‘oh you do know x speaks too, right?’, not aggressive but the point was made.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2023 09:57

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 09:15

@ShimmeringShirts should and can I really expect that of dp? To just avoid turning up when this person is there and make a point of it even if it means he misses out on friend outings.

Matter of the fact is it doesn't bother dp, so if I say anything it will only be me indirectly forcing him to not go to these things he clearly doesn't have a problem with

I would have a problem maintaining respect for my DP if he acted like yours. And without respect, I cannot love.

Crazycrazylady · 10/02/2023 09:59

Honestly I'd go and just ignore the ex. Literally pretend he's not there..
I think if you think you're dp would enjoy it and would like you there. I'd suck it up

Hadalifeonce · 10/02/2023 10:00

How long can you make the dinner last? I think I would be hanging around elsewhere for as long as possible before 'showing our faces' at the drinks.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/02/2023 10:05

Two scenarios.

  1. The thing he did was genuinely terrible and anyone, including your partner, who knows about it should have nothing more to do with the man. Stealing money. Domestic violence etc
  1. The thing he didn't wasn't that bad and you therefore have to tolerate him a group situation. If you cant tolerate him then you need to absolutely say no to any group events
Swiftswatch · 10/02/2023 10:07

It’s his birthday, just go.

What is it about people on MN who won’t ever put themselves out the tiniest bit for anyone in their life??

Tlolljs · 10/02/2023 10:20

I think it depends on the terrible thing.
Go out to dinner as planned go to the drinks thing, but tell dp if ex is a twat you’ll pull him up on it and leave. Birthday or not.

GelPens1 · 10/02/2023 10:24

Just be open with your DP and tell them you were looking forward to treating him to a birthday meal in London as a couple. This new plan of a big party doesn’t work for you. Give him the option because it’s his birthday: birthday meal with you or party with friends. You’re happy to drop him off, but parties make you uncomfortable.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 10/02/2023 10:25

Why don’t you stand up for yourself? “I was speaking, you are being very rude.”

It’s not hard.

Go along, support your partner on his birthday celebration, and don’t take any shit.

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