To not want to go to dps birthday

[Whatsthestitch]

Dps birthday is today. Originally I planned for us to go up to London for dinner and then reached out to two our mutual friends (his best friend's) to surprise him after for some drinks. That was fine. All was set. Until another guy in our friendship group who's birthday it is on Saturday got involved and turned the whole thing into a massive joint birthday. The whole thing now includes 15 people and we are meant to be meeting in a bar after our dinner (dp doesn't know this obviously).

Here's the thing, although I know its not about me one of the people included is my ex, the other bday guys close friend, and I don't like him. I have tried to play it civil with this ex as I realise we have mutual friends but he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp. It's annoying and disrespectful. He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

Another guy that is also coming is someone I used to like. He is bringing his new gf and although I don't like him I'm just really not looking forward to being around all these people. The problem is now that it is a joint birthday thing I don't feel like I can drop out otherwise it would mean dp missing out.

I'm just really not feeling my best at the moment, feeling down due to various things happening in my life. With so much in my life out of control I begrudge the fact that I can't just say no to something that makes me so uncomfortable. I sacrifice so much and it seems like I'm constantly asked of things me that I don't want to do. Me and dp hardly ever get to go out (childcare) so its a shame that when we finaly do, it will not be an enjoyable time for me at all. If it was up to me I'd never see this ex again.

Aibu to just drop off dp and go home from London? I know it will raise eyebrows to everyone in our friendship group and even dp but I just don't know what the alternative is other than gritting my teeth and bearing it

Very well put. Either it’s no. 1 and OP’s partner is a cretin or it’s no.2 and OP needs to put her partner first on his birthday

You're going to have to grin and bear it. I like
pps advice; either go to the bar for a drink as soon as ex comes over or make a joke out of it when he turns his back 'I know I'm short, but not that short'/ 'the back of you is more attractive than the front anyway' / 'front row seat for the shit that comes out of you' . Stop being a martyr.

I agree with this.

There is no way my dh would pretend as if nothing happened if he knew his friend had previously abused me.

But it’s hard to answer when you don’t tell us exactly what he did op.

I wouldn’t go either if I were you. Your gut is screaming at you not to go. Because you know you will feel bad afterwards, probably for a long time. It doesn’t matter if others think it’s ridiculous or not. You really don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It’s ok.

It's drinks in a bar not an organised event

So, not only does your partner know that your ex did something terrible to you, he's also quite happy for the ex to treat you like shit in front of him? He sounds like a real catch 🙄 As for 'not spoiling the surprise' - he's not 12. Tell him what's gone on, how it's making you feel and let him decide what he wants to do. That'll tell you who's more important to him and you can decide if he becomes the next ex or not. You've got enough on, a partner should support you, not be another source of aggravation.

Change the plan & confide in DP that you have felt v uncomfortable round ex in the past and clearly state you do not want to be in that situation again.

Don't people please at the expense of your own happiness or wellbeing. Offer to do something fun but different, just the 2 of you, telling him it's really important for you to help him enjoy the birthday.

You'll be much, much happier when you stop doing things you don't like!!

If he doesn’t know anything about it, just decline, say it’s not what you planned or wanted and stick to plan A. His friend can take him out separately.

Be firm.

Could you take a friend with you for moral support. Just so you don't feel so alone?

This.
PLUS OP I think you should go ahead with your own plans which sounded lovely and not go to the party.

Host another birthday evening of the friends you do like from that group and don't invite the ex. That way you have the best of both worlds and the DP gets two birthday celebrations.

I disagree with the "Oh just suck it up for your partner" posts. If it was the lesser offense then maybe, but she did say that it was terrible and she's already tried to rise about it but the Ex is deliberately rude and excluding her from conversations with her partner and friends. WHY should she put up with that? Why keep socially tolerating it. There are so many threads on here saying that people should drop "friends" who are not friends and behave like CFs. The ex is being a deliberate CF and life is just to short for this.
OP, who doesn't get the opportunity for outings very often, planned a lovely evening out with her DP and two close friends of both.
Some other person decides to "merge" the parties. Why? OP already had plans. Just because someone else decides to host something, WHY do their plans trump OPs? If it was an invite to two parties everyone would be saying its rude to turn down first invite for the second after you'd already accepted.

Saying the OP should squash down her feelings for sake of her DP's birthday celebrations It's asking the OP to psych herself up for unpleasant confrontations ( which the ex has proved he's capable of)
Her DP wants to be a man for all seasons who gets on with everyone and doesn't cause any trouble. Good for him. Except the OP is not inviting trouble but instead has to face it. What kind of an evening is that? And she will have to keep on tolerating this.

Tell your DP exactly why. You don't have to keep tolerating this nasty ex for the sake of appearances or to keep someone else happy.

He doesn't have a problem with someone doing something "terrible" to his partner then being a dick to her in public? He just stands there and chats to this guy who's deliberately excluding you?

I wouldn't be planning anything for his birthday. What a twat.

OP,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low.

I think there are a few things going on.

First off your partner is not a good man.

He's weak and spineless and he certainly doesn't deeply care for you.
If he did he wouldn't want to be near your Ex and he certainly wouldn't stand by and have you treated like that.
Good men don't behave like that.
Weak selfish ones who put themselves first do.

I absolutely do not think you should be going.
I think your partner is protecting himself and you are too.

Who has YOUR back?
He certainly doesn't.

Your ex did something terrible to you and your partner is content to stand around chatting and watch you humiliate by a piece of shit.

That isn't a partner.
He has no loyalty to you.

Don't invest in someone who clearly doesn't make you his priority.

As for those friends🙄 that have complicated things?
Step away.

In your place I would tell your partner the truth about the night and the way things have turned out.

Tell him that you have absolutely no wish to be in your Ex's presence after his treatment of you.

Let HIM make his decision as to where he wants to be.

If he chooses to be with this person who treated you so poorly, I think you have your answer.

I really am sorry life is so hard, but investing in a relationship with a weak spineless man is never satisfying long term.

Loyalty, respect and integrity are the cornerstones of a good relationship.

He doesn't have those qualities.

He may be nice and fun etc., but when it comes to it, he is weak and will suit himself completely, whatever makes HIS life easier.

You deserve better than this in a man and partner.
This issue will not go away.
This is who he is.

You deserve better than him.
Don't put yourself through this for him, he really isn't worth it.

Well said @DuckbilledSplatterPuff

The way I see it, you had planned the evening with a meet up for drinks with 2 of his mates.

Another mate then basically announced he was out for his birthday, invited the 2 you had already arranged to see and so it got turned into something totally different. Essentially it got turned into the birthday meetup for this other guy and the 2 you invited have decided to go to that. And of course invited the 2 of you to that instead.

So this isn't what you had planned and it feels a bit like the 2 mates have blown your plans off to instead go to the birthday of this other guy?

with that in mind, and given the added fact your ex is an arsehole and will make you feel like shit when you are there, I wouldn't go.

I'd stick to your dinner plans, then go for drinks just the 2 of you. If Dp then finds out about this other meetup, you can say what you'd arranged but then the 2 you invited wanted to go to the other party instead. Tell him its unfortunate it clashed with the plans you had already made. Does he know what resaurant you are going to? To make it easier, book a restuarant no where near the new party area. And tell him why you didn't go to it - You;'d booked somewhere too far away and also you didn't want to spend his special night with the awful ex. He should have your back over this horrible ex.

He can meet with all his friends some other time without you. This is the birthday evening YOU had planned for him. Stick to that. Its just unfortunate he will miss this other big party thing as it fell on the same evening you had made plans for his birthday.

If anyone in that circle questions why you were not there, just tell them as it is, your ex did something terrible to you and you refuse to put yourself in the situation to remind you of it. It’s the truth, if he did it he can own up to it, or the very least not keep treating you like dirt.

If your ex did something awful to you, you shouldn't have to bear being in his presence if it makes you feel this bad. I would definitely not go on for the drink afterwards and would explain to your partner why that is the case. Screw the surprise - if this affects your mental health, which is already wobbly, I see no reason to put yourself through that. I'm surprised that your partner hasn't distanced himself from your ex - I would be extremely hurt if my partner still socialised with someone who had hurt me, either physically or mentally. As someone else said, if we let men get away with unacceptable behaviour, they will carry on doing it to others. Other men need to step up in situations like this.

I think you are hyperfocusing on this one event, possibly because you've been blind sided and feel out of control. This is likely to occur again so you need to agree how the whole situation is going to be handled.
It's unclear how long you've been together or how established you are as a couple but if it's years an you live together, ld have expected you to have moved on by now. You also mention another man in this group that you liked too. Is this quite a new relationship?
Your husband and the rest of the group don't seem to have a problem with this man. I've not doubt he did hurt you, but was it so bad in the big scheme of things, after all you let it be known you fancied his mate (who now has a new GF) then you got together with his other friend, your current BF. I think you need to focus on working out why it bothers you so much. Learn to be assertive and don't be a victim to exs rudeness.

Hmmm not sure about that. Of course people can feel that something terrible has happened to them which is quite minor. I’m not saying that is the OP’s situation. It’s reasonable to expect that most adults will have a capacity to get over fairly minor things in time. I wouldn’t say it’s always healthy to encourage someone to dwell on it being terrible for evermore. The fact is we don’t know what happened and the OP doesn’t want to say so there’s a lot of assumption in your comments. Sometimes actually you do have to say you need to leave this behind it’s not the big a deal. It sounds like her partner was sympathetic at first which makes his behaviour all the more bizarre. Also not that it matters but I don’t know if the OP said she had children with her partner, just that needed childcare to allow them to go out.

Out of interest, does everyone know the terrible thing your ex did to you?

Because, In my group of friends, people have dated, people have cheated etc - and people call each other out on this shit. TBF no one has ever been abusive or anything completely awful but I know my friends and if anyone was the rest of them would be soon telling that person their thoughts.

If one of my exes tried to shove me out of a conversation like that he'd get a swift 'oi dickhead I'm talking'

If you've never told your DP the terrible thing, I'll assume that none of the other friends know it either - if it is so terrible why would you not make sure they all knew what a dick he is?