To not want to go to dps birthday

[Whatsthestitch]

Dps birthday is today. Originally I planned for us to go up to London for dinner and then reached out to two our mutual friends (his best friend's) to surprise him after for some drinks. That was fine. All was set. Until another guy in our friendship group who's birthday it is on Saturday got involved and turned the whole thing into a massive joint birthday. The whole thing now includes 15 people and we are meant to be meeting in a bar after our dinner (dp doesn't know this obviously).

Here's the thing, although I know its not about me one of the people included is my ex, the other bday guys close friend, and I don't like him. I have tried to play it civil with this ex as I realise we have mutual friends but he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp. It's annoying and disrespectful. He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

Another guy that is also coming is someone I used to like. He is bringing his new gf and although I don't like him I'm just really not looking forward to being around all these people. The problem is now that it is a joint birthday thing I don't feel like I can drop out otherwise it would mean dp missing out.

I'm just really not feeling my best at the moment, feeling down due to various things happening in my life. With so much in my life out of control I begrudge the fact that I can't just say no to something that makes me so uncomfortable. I sacrifice so much and it seems like I'm constantly asked of things me that I don't want to do. Me and dp hardly ever get to go out (childcare) so its a shame that when we finaly do, it will not be an enjoyable time for me at all. If it was up to me I'd never see this ex again.

Aibu to just drop off dp and go home from London? I know it will raise eyebrows to everyone in our friendship group and even dp but I just don't know what the alternative is other than gritting my teeth and bearing it

Does your dp KNOW why your ex is your ex and his behaviour towards you then?
Does he KNOW what his behaviour towards you is NOW, and how it makes you feel?

If the answer is yes to either of those, then dp is being very unreasonable to expect you to ho and be ok about it!! My DH would never expect me to do that, to be truthful, I think he'd struggle to remain friends with him at all.

Don't go and if anyone asks why tell them because ex acts like an arsehole and you are not willing to accept that behaviour!

I wondered this too. The whole situation seems quite complex and odd.

OP says her DP was shocked by the terrible thing and he doesn't know the full details, so I assume most reasonable people would think it was a bad thing

I think you need to out the surprise drinks to your DP now because you need some support on this and a bit of a battle plan together if you do decide to go. Even if DP does nothing (no calling out ex etc) in person at least you can discuss it in advance. I'd put it to your DP that either you don't go OR you as a couple put something in place so that you can bail eg your DP says you got a call from the babysitter and need to head off.

Also, can you discuss with your closest friends in the group prior to the drinks so that they're aware you need a bit of support? Does anyone else in the group know what ex did? Did your closest friends notice that ex was freezing you out when he came over to chat to them?

I agree with this. If he's genuinely treated you badly and is continuing to do so now, then your DP is being really disrespectful by continuing to be friends with him at all.

This may feel like not the time to confront this as it's his birthday, so it's your choice if you want to go along with it that but longer, but I don't think you should have had to put up with any of this.

I'd be selfish.

Just have dinner then do your own drinks - just make sure you're far enough away by then that when the texts start coming through, you're not close enough to have to go back.

Alternatively, go for dinner, tell partner you've started to feel under the weather and go home. I absolutely wouldn't be hanging around with an ex who you don't want to be around.

And next time, when people intervene, try to be strong and decline. I know it's awkward but you have to protect yourself.

Isn't it an issue though that your ex was bad to you (and still is) and your partner is ok with this? Have you told your partner what ex did?

It is pretty bizarre in my experience for a partner to sympathise with you over something someone has done to you and then not only socialise with this person but stand there and let them push their current partner out of the conversation. That is bizarre behaviour for a partner. I’ve already said that if that is what happened he is a cretin. But as you have pointed out what is regarded as terrible may be subjective. The reality is either the partner didn’t think it was that bad, but it was or he doesn’t think it was that bad and it wasn’t.

He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

It worries me that your DP is fine seeing him if he knows what this man did to you. Does he know?

Also worries me that you say he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp - why is your DP tolerating/enabling this?

It sounds to me like he hasn’t got your back at all. So no wonder you’re dreading the night.

But it’s going to look really weird to him if you just drop him there and go home.

I think you have to abandon the surprise bit and talk to him. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when your ex excludes you and he goes along with it? If not, do you think he would prioritise you if he knew? Or would keeping the friendship on an easy level matter to him more?

If the latter, you’ve got bigger problems than what to do tonight.

You got 3 choices

1. Suck it up and go.
2. Don't tell DP about the suprise and just have an evening together.
3. Tell DP beforehand, explain that it's happening and that you don't want to be there. Give him the choice to go on his own or spend the evening with you.

I'd go with 1 or 3 depending on if I could tolerate being there or not.

How old are you all? Is it a special birthday for either your DP or the other friend? If it's not I'd tell DP and just got for a nice meal and off to do something the two of you. If it's a big birthday I think it's too late to say anything and I'd just go along with the plans and avoid the ex.

Yes you can and should expect that of your DP.

This man did something terrible to you, something shocking, and he just socialises with him like nothing ever happened?

You have children together. I didn’t realise at first you were in such a committed relationship (skim reading 🙈). But for him not to have your back in this way when you share your life on the deepest level - no wonder you feel down.

No, you shouldn’t go to this thing and put yourself through that. It’s horrible.

Two issues here: 1. Your DP allows his friends to disrespect you. 2. His birthday

1. It doesnt matter if he hates confrontation or hasnt got a spine, he should NOT allow his so called friends to treat you so poorly. How the fck is that ok? I also hate confrontation with a passion but if one of my friends treated my husband like that I'd be having angry words. Its not bloody ok. My friends should respect ME enough not to treat someone I love like dirt. This "friend" isnt actually a friend if he's treating you this way. Its ok if he doesnt like you- we dont always get along with everyone, but he at least owes it to you and his friend (your DP) to treat you with civility and not be actively rude. Spending time with people you might not choose to be friends with yourself and not being rude is a basic life skill. There are people at my work who I see every day and dont particularly like them but not once have I ever been rude to them or disrespected them- its called being an adult. This is a separate conversation you need to have with him and if he cant change then I'd seriously be re-considering the relationship.
2. I'd go to the birthday. The main person it will hurt by not going is your DP and this would be a prime opportunity to open the conversation about 1 with him after the event (not on the day but afterwards) if it happens again.

I agree with them people advising you not to just suck it up. I am wondering if you’re like me and a bit of a people pleaser. I would also find this situation really hard but think that you should tell your partner exactly what your ex did.

It sounds as if this is perhaps hard for you to do, especially as you have also chosen not to discuss it on this site. I’m not suggesting you should tell us what happened. However, it is important to acknowledge to yourself just how much you struggle with telling people, as the only person ultimately you are hurting by keeping this man’s secret is yourself.

As for the plans, it would be better for the two of you to talk than for you to continue tying yourself in knots. The response your dp will give you will offer you clarity and help you to decide whether or not this relationship is for you longer term.

This!

Go to the nice dinner, decline the crap drinks.

I wouldn't enjoy a birthday celebration if my partner was dreading it becuase the people attending were rude a**holes.

Op can you tell us a bit more about your relationship and friendship group. If your dp was shocked about something your ex did but doesn’t even know the full details then i an assuming it’s bad. I would expect your dp to either stick up for you or not want to be in that social group. Is everyone aware what happened and just hanging out with the ex? If so thatsounds awful.

I wonder if you shouldn’t dump your dp and the friendship group.

This is clearly really bothering you and you need to have a serious conversation with DP before tomorrow night so that you can make a plan that you are both happy with. It's OK to spoil the surprise. He is a grown-up and can set his face when he sees everyone.

If you do decide to go, you need a game plan for what you will do if your ex attempts his usual move. Either DP moves next to you and puts an arm around you so you can't be physically excluded, or he makes an excuse and you both walk away from the conversation on any pretext you like.

Go along to the group drinks but only stay an hour, book something for the two of you for after, just say it was arranged before the joint party and you'd only ever intended to stay for a short time 🤷

Honestly, fob off meeting up with all his friends. He can see them any other time. Make the night about you two. Go somewhere fancy just the two of you for intimate drinks seeing as you hardly get you time. The alternative is standing around in a packed bar/pub making small talk with a big crowd. If it was my birthday and my husband had done similar I would have just preferred it to be us two.

This is also a good idea!

To everyone asking, yes I've explained to dp what ex did. I left out some details but he got the general story and it still had the same impact. I guess maybe dp thinks because it was X amount of years ago that it takes the edge off it and don't get me wrong I'm not still hurting over it but when I see him that is a different matter.

Maybe if ex was mutual towards me I wouldn't feel so strongly about the night. But I agreed to the other guys joint birthday idea not knowing my ex was invited. It may sound a little naive on my end since they are all mutual friends but I knew this guy who's birthday it is hadn't seen my ex in a while and my ex mostly declines these events, he actively avoids me (dp invited him when we hosted a bbq and he ignored our invite).

I wasn't okay with inviting him but my close friend who is a mutual friend with ex was having ago at me saying it was unfair to exclude him and keep him from his friends.

To the person saying just do something for someone else, that's ALL I DO! Hence why in my op I put I'm fed up of it and for once would like to think of myself. I've planned out a very thoughtful and considerate bday night for my dp but this is where I'd like to set the line. I could think of nothing worse than being there, although obviously I could. I would much rather go home and spend time with dc!

I wasn't okay with inviting him but my close friend who is a mutual friend with ex was having ago at me saying it was unfair to exclude him and keep him from his friends.

It's hard to say without knowing what he did to you, but assuming it was objectively terrible, you have terrible friends and a terrible partner who do not respect you or seem to care about you.

In fact in this case, even if it had a perfectly nice relationship, they should have respected your decision not to invite your ex.

I wasn't okay with inviting him but my close friend who is a mutual friend with ex was having ago at me saying it was unfair to exclude him and keep him from his friends.

This is not a close friend. They may be a close acquaintance, but they are not your friend.

Spend the evening as you had planned with just the 2 of you. In your shoes I would simply just not turn up the other persons birthday party. And your reason is that you had planned a lovely evening for you both, and its unfortunate this other persons party falls on the same night.

if your DP does not understand that. Or does not start putting your feelings ahead of the arsehole exes (any everyone elses it seems) I'd just leave him to his clearly horrible friends.

Stick to your original plan OP. Don't change it just because these 'friends' tell you you should.