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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to dps birthday

147 replies

Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:04

Dps birthday is today. Originally I planned for us to go up to London for dinner and then reached out to two our mutual friends (his best friend's) to surprise him after for some drinks. That was fine. All was set. Until another guy in our friendship group who's birthday it is on Saturday got involved and turned the whole thing into a massive joint birthday. The whole thing now includes 15 people and we are meant to be meeting in a bar after our dinner (dp doesn't know this obviously).

Here's the thing, although I know its not about me one of the people included is my ex, the other bday guys close friend, and I don't like him. I have tried to play it civil with this ex as I realise we have mutual friends but he constantly excludes me at these events and even isolates me when talking to me and dp. It's annoying and disrespectful. He done something terrible to me, so seeing him isn't exactly my cup of tea as it is.

Another guy that is also coming is someone I used to like. He is bringing his new gf and although I don't like him I'm just really not looking forward to being around all these people. The problem is now that it is a joint birthday thing I don't feel like I can drop out otherwise it would mean dp missing out.

I'm just really not feeling my best at the moment, feeling down due to various things happening in my life. With so much in my life out of control I begrudge the fact that I can't just say no to something that makes me so uncomfortable. I sacrifice so much and it seems like I'm constantly asked of things me that I don't want to do. Me and dp hardly ever get to go out (childcare) so its a shame that when we finaly do, it will not be an enjoyable time for me at all. If it was up to me I'd never see this ex again.

Aibu to just drop off dp and go home from London? I know it will raise eyebrows to everyone in our friendship group and even dp but I just don't know what the alternative is other than gritting my teeth and bearing it

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:48

@LostAtTheCrossRoad tbh I do feel like that. Although they weren't directly saying they would go off with the other guy they were going on about how its his birthday too, they don't want him to not be fussed over ect. So it made me feel like I was keeping them from him and being unfair. Honestly next year I will not bother with any of them

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:49

@Hydie I wish I could. I'm just feeling so low at the moment with everything else being a struggle when I go out I want it to be a relief from that and not a power play.

OP posts:
hidingbehindascreen · 10/02/2023 07:52

I think you are massively overthinking this
Go out and enjoy the time with DP. Ignore the ex.
Simple

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2023 07:54

Does your DP know that your ex did a terrible thing to you?

Lengokengo · 10/02/2023 07:55

I would go, but explain to your DP that the second you feel uncomfortable, you will quietly leave without a fuss. Do you still need there from the beginning, dat hi to all, busy yourself speaking too the nice ones, but be ready to leave at a moments notice.

This way you are being sociable, but you are empowered to take no shit from your ex AND your DP isn’t put in a difficult position.

I had to employ a similar tactic in a particular circumstance and this made me feel better about going there in the first place, and made me feel great when I then (inevitably) left due to predicted attempted bad behaviour by an individual.

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:55

@toomuchlaundry yes I told dp. He was shocked. Didn't tell him the full details.... but it was really bad

OP posts:
bumbledeedum · 10/02/2023 07:56

@Whatsthestitch but why do you need DP to stick up for you? You call him spineless but why not say something yourself?

Original poster
Whatsthestitch · 10/02/2023 07:57

@bumbledeedum he was purposefully ignoring me and walking away from me. I don't know how I'd manage to confront someone who choses not to listen

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/02/2023 08:01

I think it'll be ok when you are there. I'd just go if I thought my husband would enjoy it.

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2023 08:01

Maybe it is time to tell him the full details @Whatsthestitch. Men need to start calling out their mates for their behaviour.

If it was really bad I wouldn’t expect my partner to expect me to put up with being in the same room as the ex

Allschoolsareartschools · 10/02/2023 08:06

I think you're a bit stuck with it this year. YANBU to not want to go but I'd just go this year & never bother doing this again.
Oh & your dp needs to be on your side, not an ex who treated you badly but that's another issue to deal with later.
I'd be really mad with the other couple & I'd honestly be reassessing a few friendships after this. Good luck.

LadyHarmby · 10/02/2023 08:06

Agree that the group is large enough that you can avoid this guy. Don’t sit near him, don’t go near him, talk to the people you do like.

Don’t give him the control, or the headspace. Do your own thing and don’t give a shit what he thinks or gets up to.

KeepingKeepingOn · 10/02/2023 08:08

I see two options:

  1. tell your DP about it, say now that it’s a bigger do with his mates, wouldn’t it be fun to have a ‘lads’ night out’ and you can extend his birthday by having a separate dinner just the two of you on a different day - keep it light and happy, so he doesn’t suspect anything, and try to pitch it as two birthday celebrations

  2. don’t say anything and go with a steely resolve to take no shit from the ex - if he does the turning back thing to you, tap him on the shoulder and say ‘oi, I’m still here you know!’ You don’t have to be aggressive, you just have to be firm - stop letting him get away with his shit behaviour. You might still not feel great, but at least you’ve stood up for yourself.

i don’t think this is the time to talk about it with your DP - it’s his birthday and he deserves to have a day about him - but you are probably going have to address this all with him at a later date.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 10/02/2023 08:10

Tbh I'd just grin and bear it, you know what the ex is like, so each time he walks up to talk, make your excuses and walk off. You need the loo or getting more drinks, don't let your ex spoil your evening. Or at least don't be in the same air space.

Caramia23 · 10/02/2023 08:21

@Whatsthestitch I'm a great believer in plain speaking & honestly if I were in your shoes I would long ago have said to dp "I'm not going to dictate who you socialise with, but for me it's very important I have a boundary in place with ex & therefore I am not going to socialise with him".
While I personally feel your dp should have your back with regards to your ex I also appreciate that large friend groups are complex - if your dp still chooses to socialise with this guy that's his business but it doesn't mean you have to! In this instance I would go to the meal, let dp off to do what he wants but come home myself. In this way you haven't curtailed dp's birthday celebrations but you've respected yourself & your boundaries in the process.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 10/02/2023 08:22

I think I'd just wear it tbh, unless it's going to be incredibly traumatic as opposed to a bit awkward? If there are 15 of you there you don't have to to speak to you mr ex much outside of a quick hello. You can shut anything else down fairly quickly as needed.

Howyiz · 10/02/2023 08:26

Why are you pulling yourself apart for a person who knows that your ex treated you badly and still stands there and let him treat you in that way.
Honestly, you deserve better. Not liking confrontation is not an excuse, the vast majority of people don't like confrontation but people choose to stand up for themselves or others regardless of how uncomfortable it makes them feel.

FlowerFlour · 10/02/2023 08:30

It's a bit late for this year, so maybe have the meal with DP then drop him off with his friends while you go home. Fake a headache if necessary.

For the future though, think about why you're socialising with your ex and trying to keep the peace while ex disrespects you and your DP allows it like a meek rabbit. Your DP allowing ex to blatantly ignore you is shitty behaviour on his part.

You don't need to associate with any of them. Socialising with them is just making you feel unsupported and uncomfortable; opting out entirely is a valid choice. Your DP isn't going to look out for you, so you need to look out for you.

Good luck Flowers

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2023 08:33

I’m with you @Howyiz This sounds way more than feeling awkward being around an ex and who behaves rudely in front of OP. If your DP was shocked and doesn’t know the full details of the terrible treatment, I’m surprised so many posters are telling the OP to put up with it for her partner’s sake.

I would have the meal with DP then I would go home and he can make the choice of whether going on for drinks or going home with you.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/02/2023 08:45

Or op just say to the two guys you did invite that the dinner lasted a lot longer than expected and then go for a drink with your dp somewhere else then go home or whatever your plans were.

Sugargliderwombat · 10/02/2023 08:47

I think you have to suck this one up I'm afraid. I don't think it's weird for an ex to avoid talking to you by the way, why would you want your ex to talk to you? To me that would be way more uncomfortable and maybe your ex sees it that way, too

EyesOnThePies · 10/02/2023 08:53

Have a lovely dinner, then explain about the whole drinks situation and say you are not feeling up to a night if it with them all and tell him to enjoy it. Without a hint of guilt tripping or resentment that would cause him to feel conflicted.

But personally I would just get on with it. On a group of 15 there must be others you feel happy to chat to? Glide away from ex. Deploy the woman from the couple you were originally planning to meet as your wing woman.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 10/02/2023 08:53

I think it depends on the terrible thing the ex did.

If it was an assault or suchlike, your DP should 100% be supporting you on this. Anything else, then you may need to just rise above it.

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2023 08:57

If someone had been sexually assaulted by an ex (not saying this is what happened to OP) would everyone be saying to them suck it up and socialise with them for DP’s sake. We don’t know what happened to OP and her ex, but it’s obviously more than him just ignoring her when in the same room, so should everyone be blithely saying suck it up.

Newyearnewmeow · 10/02/2023 09:06

Tell your partner the situation and how being around the horrible ex makes you feel. Give him the choice of either going out for drinks with just you after the meal or going to the gathering alone and you will go home.
I would be very disappointed in his behaviour towards your ex. Letting the ex push you out of the conversation was a very pathetic thing to do. He obviously doesn’t have a backbone. That doesn’t make him a bad man, just a soft one but he needs to have your back from now on and support you.

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