My Unpopular Child

[LunchBoxTeeth]

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

Maybe see if there is a Pokemon club anywhere near you. My DS's favourite activity is Pokemon. It's in our local Games Workshop type shop. (It used to be a GW but is independent now.) He loves it because he says it's where he gets to meet other kids who are like him. Because while most kids like Roblox/Minecraft/etc. They aren't as into it as he is, whereas the Pokemon kids are proper nerds like he is.

The kids there usually move on to being into D&D, Warhammer/etc when they get a bit older. It's good for him to have that kind of connection with people with similar interests. I am pretty strict about him keeping up some physical activities too. I was a nerdy kid/teen myself and the young men I hung out with tender to be more awkward if the games where their only outlet. And more confident (and attractive) when they also had a sport/gym habit.

This may not be much comfort if your son is struggling but I actually think being popular is overrated.

A lot of “popularity” is pretty ephemeral and based on status markers and things which reflect on others. It rarely leads to durable friendships.

And also usually among the popular children there are one or two “ringleaders”: charismatic and extrovert types who boss the others around. Many of the other kids in these big groups are hangers on who have aligned themselves with the group for status or protection.

This can be painful if you are outside the group but often the children who are not in the cool set end up making deeper and more lasting friendships.

Is he happy though? I mean, if he's fairly oblivious, then I would be careful not to project your anxiety onto him.
It's so hard though, I know

I was going to suggest these things too.

No buddy system except for reception aged children. The school offered him Lego therapy, but either they have forgotten or there's a long waiting list. I'll bring it up again at the next parents evening.

Thank you

First of all massive hugs to you, this must be a painful experience.

From a developmental psychology perspective, involving yourself in your child's life and all the little ecosystems that go with that is important. Play dates are, in my humble opinion, absolutely vital for children, particularly children in this age cohort who missed out on a lot of play time with their peers during Covid lock-downs etc. Keep these up! And have a few kids over at a time (perhaps 3) so that they can have a proper play together. I also would, within reason, leave them to their own devices and you'll be able to observe from afar what the dynamics are etc. I wouldn't mind so much about reciprocation - it's all about immersion! Expose him to the children he likes as much as possible.

I'd limit time on the Switch or Games Console during these visits as he is actually missing out on honing his communication skills. Have it as a treat for half an hour after you feed them but I wouldn't let it be the sole activity. Have you a garden? If so, hats and gloves on and let them run around and make their own fun. Boys love games with 'rules' while girls tend to forge friendships based on sharing confidences and lots of conversation. So don't worry if you see that they're not having deep and meaningful conversations - they will bond through play and role play. Nerf Guns and Goggles for the garden are always a good option.

I also think that ball sports for little boys is a gift for life really. He doesn't have to be really good either but being able to kick a ball around and having confidence to do so is like a universal language of friendship and means he will always have peers who are interested in a kick-around.

I also wouldn't underestimate how irritating bossiness is for children. I have little sons and if I ask why they don't want to play with a particular child (although I host whole class parties) the retort is invariably that the child is bossy. A couple of sessions with a play therapist may be very useful in modelling how to make requests or suggestions nicely. I think it may also boost his confidence in making friends.

You sound like you are doing a great job and I really sympathise with your concerns but he will find his own little crew. He is still young. Keep up those playdates, get to know some of the other Mums and introduce him to team sports which will be of huge benefit to him xx

Parents used to worry a lot about me being friendless as a child; I also did but only because I knew it meant something was wrong with me. I actually liked being alone and was never lonely by myself.

As a teenager I used to try and fit it; because I started to care about it.

As an adult I am liked as far as I know at work and have 2 close friends.

I am as far as I know neurotypical; but suspect NVLD as i fit the criteria for it- but obviously am not a Doctor of any sort so cannot say for certain.

I hate to say it, but are you friendly with any of the mums? In my experience, the kids of the mums that hang out together build really close friendships. Hope it all works out!

I was similar and ended up in senior school being very much on the outside.

I could never understand why.

Dd and Ds were similar.
It did as an adult lead to Dd googling to find out what exactly was wrong with her and us all being diagnosed as ADHD

DD has lots of people she knows and has a huge network of people she knows through being in the same business. She has only one very close friend who is now also pursuing an adhd assessment.

I think what helped was finding an ECA that sparked an interest when Dd was about 5 years old. Something that it didn’t matter about who was there, it was the lessons that took priority, even over birthday parties and from there, as they became older it left the ones who also loved the lessons and they became the people they hung out with.
One group both dc did for years was a very diverse group with children from 5 to 15years old. As parents we stayed to chat whilst we waited for dc to come out of lessons. Birthdays, Christmas, end of term time we would celebrate together.
Mums on one table and children on another.

Sometimes you have to give these things time. If the interest in the lesson is there then the friendships will come. But it could be years of going each week till the ice is broken.
I also wouldn’t put pressure or expectation that they will make friends. Talk about school stuff or ECA stuff.
If they like someone then they will tell you eventually

Oh you are so right. My eldest DD is 9 and struggling a lot with changes in friendships and growing maturity with some. My 6 yr old DS still seems very oblivious to popularity but then he’s in the middle of everything so by default is part of the popular crowd, but my goodness the other children’s behaviour to mine is so painful to hear about. It’s the worst feeling I’ve experienced (apart from grief) I wasn’t prepared for this feeling 😪x

That was as a reply to Mischance early in the post but it didn’t link for some reason

I think these things worry us more than they do our children. Unless he is really worried about it and causing himself to become distressed I say just leave it. I certainly don’t remember how many parties I was invited to in Primary School but I do remember when my DS or DD missed out on an invite. We worry about them from our own frame of reference and not their own.
I’m sure you’re doing a great job as a parent, that’s what matters.

Bless you, I know exactly how you feel. My son is now 22, when he was at school he had exactly the same issues. I lost count of the times I asked the teachers why they thought it was, and also of the times I cried in front of them! It turns out my son likes his own company, sometimes more than he likes other people’s, he’s grown into a well adjusted young man, he has a few good friends, as much of a social life as he wants and he’s quite a happy soul, but still quite solitary. Those bloody parties were the bane of my life, my heart hurt every time he was left out or the other kids left him out, probably without even realising it. Your son is lucky, he has a mum who loves him and cares about him enough to come on here and look for a bit of support. Not all children are the ‘popular’ ones, some pootle along and end up with a couple of good friends. It’ll happen for him, just carry on doing what you’re doing, supporting him and reminding him what a fab person he is. He’s lucky to have you x

It's odd because I was just going to ask if she thought he was Autistic as these struggles are more common for those on the spectrum.

I think everyone finds their people at different times and places in life. Obviously, primary school doesn’t tend to be the place where most people find their lifelong friends - but I can totally see how as a parent you want to see your child fully happy at every stage. Some people find “their people” at high school, some at uni, some at work, some through a hobby.

i have a sibling who is quite introverted who didn’t find their people until one of the jobs they did a few years after Uni. And they have become her lifelong friends (and she doesn’t needs lots of friendships). All the friends she made before that didn’t stand the test of time.

there’s nothing in your post to suggest your son won’t find his people in the end. Support him in all the sensible ways that have been suggested, but know that being popular in primary school doesn’t mean much in the long term.

Just a thought can you teach your DS Chess? Some primary schools have clubs. I have one ND DC and one not. It seems to suit both of them.
It can teach patience and is inclusive.

What lovely advice Vintage 2403

I didn't have many (any at one point!) friends growing up but from about 16 onwards I've found great friends, many I've kept since then. I take ages to make good friends, it doesn't happen easily, but once made, I'm pretty good at keeping them. Don't worry, surround him with positive family and friends, don't correct him unless he's rude or bullying, school friendships are very odd and based on popularity in a very superficial way. Let him be if he's not that bothered, he only needs one or two people to be friends with, not whole loads of them. Invite one child at a time, and invite them to something cool. He may just take time to find friends and that's ok.

I’m another one that this was me when I was a kid, I’m reassured there were quite a few of us!

what I wish my parents had done for me was doing fun stuff with me e.g. at the weekend (which you may already do - you sound like a lovely mum!) instead of focussing on arranging situations to make friends, he may feel the pressure of this and result in his ‘trying too hard’ behaviour.
It would have taken less pressure off needing friends (already having someone to do fun things with), would have given me subconscious assurance that I’m a good person to be around, and given me things to talk about at school (but not in a braggy way, just in conversation).

Something the school could do, I always dreaded being alone in the playground, could they give him a pass to the library or somewhere so he has a place to go and read etc if he’s getting upset by being lonely? After a couple of years I was made a computer monitor so I could go in at lunchtime, officially to check all the printers for paper etc but possibly a kind teacher spotted I was lonely and came up with something (was a bit older but something similar could work).

"watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards"
You are criticising him then. You are making him aware that his behaviour needs correction. That he can't be trusted to just be himself.

"He's not any better at it than his friends but still feels the need to educate them on it* *when they are playing"
I wonder do you feel the need to educate your son on things?
Could he be parroting the 'voice of authority' that he hears at home?
Is he being the 'parent' with his friends?
Or does his Dad do that? 'not like this, like that'.

I'm speculating of course but some parents have to make everything a lesson.
'you need to do it this way, I'll show you'

Maybe you could back off about the friends thing. Just don't mention it for a few weeks and don't ask him about it, don't do any checking on who's birthday is where with whom. Just ignore it completely.
Some of this is your own insecurity about the importance of friends and trying to shape your son to be 'likeable' and 'popular'. Let him find his own groove.

In the meantime, perhaps he would like another less competitive sport like a martial art or the scouts or something.

Some people just are solitary! My lovely uncle is. Nicest most interesting man you will meet lives alone in a cottage by the sea. Perfectly happy. His idea of a crazy social month is us and an old work colleague visiting. It’s just how he is.

My lovely 7yr old is quite similar. He sometimes tells me he’s played on his own. If yours wants a pen pal (would be fairly basic letters 😂) let me know!

I had a similar scenario. My dd14 really found it difficult to make friends and was always a bit socially awkward. She’s a teen now and still wishes that she could have a best friend. I’ve had to take her out of school and home educate as she was just struggling so much. She’s having an ASD assessment next week to check for ND. Some people just don’t function well in groups. It’s our job to let them know that’s perfectly normal!

That is such a sweet idea! I can just imagine the delight on his face as a letter came through the door addressed to him.