My Unpopular Child

[LunchBoxTeeth]

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

The only friends my eldest son had we my friends kids or a couple of girls. Once he went to college he made lots of friends but didn’t really bother to much about them. He is now 33 owns his owns business and has a few friends but they are good friends. He prefers older peoples company. Recently him and his partner have made four great friends and are holidaying together etc I know I’m rambling but what I’m trying to say is it took him a while but now his social life is great. It never bothered him though, is it bothering your son ? Have you asked his teacher if she can see why this is happening. Don’t worry to much he might end up being the centre of attention.

Ask him who the shy ones are in his class. Suggest he befriends them because they might be feeling lonely.

We had a ‘mare with our 7 year old son. Very clever but liked to rub it in. Wanted to be striker in football but didn’t understand he wasnt able to as wasnt fit or good enough. Always shouted out the answers in lessons much to everyone’s dismay. Was left out of a school trip as his behaviour wasnt good enough. My son is now 28 years old and had finally been diagnosed with severe ADD which caused all of his issues.

That made me incredibly sad ☹️
I wish I had the answer, however, sending {{{hugs}}} your way and I hope you find a solution. There will be other mums here who have ideas if they've had the same experience. 💐

Without going into long diatribes, it sounds as though he is bright, very bright. Not sure where these abbreviated disorders came in.

Get him involved in physics clubs, lego and chess challenges.

My daughter interviewing for Imperial now, something to be proud of xx

Join a football team- it will help his friendships at school & make potential new friends in the team. At his age, it doesn't matter if he's any good or not.

What does he like doing? Start with that and find him opportunitys to do that with others. Don't worry too much about their age having something in common is the important bit.

I often think it's weird that kids are expected to make friends based on the months they were born and where they live within a small radius.

I think I would try and address the bossiness. My dd has a boy in her class who is similar and he does get party invites etc but it may be because his parents are super reliable and at primary school when you pay £20 plus a head for a party parent reliability is factored in. I do think in the next couple of years if his bossiness continues he may struggle with friends. Dd complains a fair bit about him trying to take over playground imaginative games. Its usually his way or no way.

Being smarter academically than the other kids is a similar issue, emotional intelligence is just as important (if not more so at this age). I’m not sure how you change/influence both of these characteristics but I think it will make a difference. As others have suggested put him in a club where he will struggle, tbh maybe get him back to ballet - so what if the girls said ‘it’s not for boys’. It is for boys - resilience is an important trait too and pushing through the pain of being the only boy and the teasing may help.

@LunchBoxTeeth have him tested for aspergers I had no idea until my son was 12 and he had these issues.. it helps to know if they do have it the early you know the better you can support them

My elder son is now 19 and is very content with a large social network and some really good friends who he has been close to since he was around 9 years old… But when he was the age of your child, I was so worried about how he didn’t get invited to the homes of the other boys in his class. I arranged play dates and basically tried grooming and befriending other mothers just to find him friends. He was happy at home and eventually made best friends with a similarly quiet girl in his class. They are good friends to this day, and bolstering each other they slowly met others through their own interests and connections, rather than mine. My son and his friends tend to be what many might consider ‘alternative’ very arty and creative, mostly now studying fine art and music degrees….but living their best lives together, clubbing and partying like all students. I mention his interests only because as I tried to force friendships, I had him join junior rugby and football which was never going to be him and left him feeling ‘different’. I now have a second son, 16 years younger, and a completely different personality, who makes friends easily with his peers, all very stereotypical rough and tumble, very different to my elder son, which came as a bit of a shock to me tbh. My advice would be to stand back, let him be happy in his home environment and take his time to develop the relationships he’ll choose as he grows. It’s so hard for us as parents, but he will find ‘his’ people in time.

I found my Grandson went through a similar time and I agree it’s heartbreaking to watch. I do agree with others who have recommended joining a group such as Beavers or Cubs. The leaders are so understanding and enthusiastic in dealing with a variety of children and knowing when and where to encourage the less outgoing to lead activities. A great leveller in my experience.

I was this child; when young I didn't care about it- but when I got to the teenage years I felt I should be popular and tried and failed.

But as an adult I accept myself and realise being popular is not everything 😎

Yes, he loves Minecraft. He's not amazing at it but good enough to engage in conversation about it with friends. When friends visit, they spend time on the Switch, it usually goes well until he starts getting a bit bossy about what the other child is 'allowed' to do. He's not any better at it than his friends but still feels the need to educate them on it when they are playing. It's a difficult balance between pointing out the things he does that are annoying the other kids and not doing it so much that I'm destroying his confidence.

My daughter was in the same boat all through primary. It continued for the first couple of years of secondary too. It was heartbreaking. By her 13th birthday she literally had no friends. Not even one. I have a photo of her on her own next to her cake and balloons - she didn’t have anyone to invite.

By her 14th she had a party with a dozen people and now she has lots of friends, to the point I’m now complaining about how much her socialising costs me!

It is so hard to watch, but I honestly don’t think there’s anything you can do to encourage friendships. They will happen in their own time.

It could be this.

my DS is a bit nerdy, likes space and Lego and is rubbish at sport. He is really attracted to the cool footballing skateboarding kids and although they weren’t horrible to him, he was always on the outside of the group. Sort of there, but pretty much ignored. He sort of by accident got thrown together with one of the quiet nerdy boys in the holidays, got to know his friends and ‘found his people’.
At 7 you are still the centre of his world and it’s early days so try to play it down and keep doing what you’re doing, three is always a crowd, try to keep it one friend over at a time. Good luck.

Do you think he could be autistic? Autism is different for everyone and his main symptom could be a lack of social skills? Autism can come with above average intelligence. My eldest son is autistic but is kind and extremely bright for our family. He doesn't get his maths skills from me or DH who are both average intelligence. It's as if a gene has be altered in him that makes his brain far more mathematical than normal but at a cost of h having very bad social skills.

Swimming is quite an individual sport. Could you try something like football or rugby, even tennis can be more of a "team" thing....

Sorry you're going through this - my son was the same. He is on the spectrum but high functioning. He is an only child and to be honest I was always there for him and I was his play mate!!! He would always gravitate to adults at that age - he would even spend breaks with the teachers at school rather than other children. He was never invited to any parties and never wanted a "birthday party" of his own. In Year 6 he had a couple of close friends that he would go to play dates with but at secondary school they drifted away and he has got his own tribe now, of which I am very thankful. But during school holidays, he doesn't hang out with them even if I suggest that maybe he contacts them and arranges something. We live in a rural area so it is hard. I'm still worried about what will happen next year when he goes to college!
I was sad to read your comment "Maybe it’s me they don’t like and that’s why he doesn’t get the invites" because that's what I thought as well! Hang in there - things will get better.

Being popular isn’t really that important - I stressed being kind to people … which helped . My boy was very bright , old for his year and doesn’t suffer fools gladly . He also wasn’t a classic lunchtime football player and was in a small school so not too many potential friends to chose from .

I would recommend a bigger primary ( if your son is in a small school) - more chance for him to find his people , and maybe a selective environment for secondary if that’s an option .

Out of school try some different clubs - near us are coding clubs , Lego holiday clubs and science clubs . The scouting network is also something to stick with .

My son has thrived at Secondary , he still doesn’t have really close friends but he manages to get on with everyone which is a skill in itself .

Yes, we have TV subscriptions that he can watch and a switch with all the big popular games (that I know it), he gets pretty much whatever he asks for for Christmas/birthdays. Also he can join any clubs he wants to, although he only really wants to do Beavers and play on the switch.

OP I've read all of your posts and I really think you need to look into autism.

Kids with autism like things of their terms and to control the play. My son is the same.

Autism is so varied, he is probably high functioning being bright and wanting to take the lead. Coming across as loud. If you want you can PM me I have 3 neurodiverse children and I'm ND myself.

The social problems are a huge red flag IMO

Does he seem to be aware and or upset about the situation? We put our own social anxieties on to our kids and actually they are sometimes perfectly happy with everything. I know from personal experience having kids with asd - they don’t actually notice or care x

It was like this for my youngest DS at same age. Not disliked but not popular enough to be picked over others and no best friend or special friends. Teacher said it's partly to do with being youngest in the year and he was a bit bossy. He is not sporty. He is 10 now and although he doesn't have many friends they are good solid friends and he has a best friend.
Hopefully in time your DS will gain a few great friends. Keep up with the playdates, clubs and praise.

I think he shows off because he wants to demonstrate how great he is and how worthy of their friendship, as in if they are impressed by him they'll want to be his friend. Ironically, he hates other children bragging and knows it's a bad trait, but doesn't seem to make the link that that's what he's doing.

It doesn't help that he's quite academic and sometimes the teachers ask him to help the kids who are struggling (he's not the only one who does this), so sometimes it's 'good' to demonstrate his knowledge and other times it's 'bad' and boasting. I don't want to ask the teachers to stop this because it's a big confidence boost for him and he'd be really sad if he couldn't do it any more, especially as the other kids would continue.

Thank you, I'll look into that book.