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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Unpopular Child

283 replies

LunchBoxTeeth · 09/02/2023 16:33

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

OP posts:
workiskillingme · 09/02/2023 16:34

In a similar situation here . I've no advice though sadly it does upset me to see though

Ticktocktimebomb · 09/02/2023 16:42

I’ve had some heartbreaking conversations with my DC of a similar age. They do get invited to parties etc but they are desperate for a best friend and in their words ‘always seem to be second choice’. I’m increasing the play dates and just make sure they know that I think they are wonderful so there’s always a safe and friendly place when they come home.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 16:44

That's tough. What are some of things you think he does 'wrong', for lack of a better word?

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2023 16:44

What clubs does he do? Some activities aren’t really set up for chatting. Maybe try something like scouting then he’s got another pool to be friends with.

HeyBwoss · 09/02/2023 16:50

My DS was similar at 7, (although we have never really done play dates) he was always always desperate for a best friend but was the child who was invited to few smaller parties and flitted between groups, he always said he had no one to play with. Anyway, he is now in year 6 and is able to "hang around" with anyone in his class but he has found his 2 best friends finally, even after being in their class since the beginning of school and not being that close. This was definitely helped by there being 3 of each class per year group and school occasionally mixing things up.

Hopefully your DS will be similar and things will change as they get older, but I completely understand how hard it is right now Flowers

ChickenDhansak82 · 09/02/2023 16:54

Something like Beavers might help, so 7 is a good age to take up playing a brass instrument - lots of local towns run complete beginner band sessions. My 7 year old twins are about to start doing this.

I have similar with one outgoing twin who gets invited to parties, and then her brother who gets invited out of sympathy because he is the twin and people seem to feel like they have to invite both. He does at least have one girl he plays with at school so I try to encourage play dates.

BoozeHound · 09/02/2023 16:55

Woodcraft folk is brilliant for making friends. Friendship is one of their core values

ExistenceOptional · 09/02/2023 16:55

Is he trying to be best friends with the popular kids and ignoring the less popular kids?

CopperMaran · 09/02/2023 17:00

one of our children had the same. Never a single party invite once whole class parties stopped. He had speech delay which didn’t help although his speech is fine now.

He has always been relatively happy with the situation - I was more upset by it than him. He’s the same still now he’s at secondary school although he has a great relationship with his siblings. He seems to get along better with adults that other children his own age. Adults at both his schools are always very fond of him. As he isn’t distressed by it, I leave him to it and one day he’ll be an adult too and it won’t be strange that he’s friendlier with people who are older than him.

SlashBeef · 09/02/2023 17:03

It's not always a bad thing OP, although I know it's hard. My eldest is quite similar. He has lots of mates but nobody really invites him to parties now and he doesn't have a solid "friendship group" really. However he's pretty happy. He'll chat to anyone and we don't have any friend drama. Just keep doing what you're doing and supporting any friendships he does make.

Mischance · 09/02/2023 17:05

It is so hard to watch our lovely children seemingly getting left out. I had 3 (now grown-up) DDs and this problem loomed its head regularly. I found that this seems just to be the way of things - in some situations they just did not seem to be top of anyone's list (top of mine though of course!). Other than focussing on providing opportunities for socialising, there is not a lot you can do, apart from build up their self-confidence and security in the love of the family.

But I know how hurt you can feel on behalf of your children.

It is all part of their growing up and developing the resilience to deal with these situations. And understanding how they come across to others is a massive learning task that all children face.

Personally I would be a bit careful about pointing out when he is getting it wrong and discussing it with him; maybe come at it from another direction: "Sam made everyone laugh when he said x,y,z."; "It was very kind of Ted to help Eva with her shoes."; "Did you enjoy it when Fred did x,y,z?"; "It wasn't very kind of Henry to snatch that biscuit." etc.

Weallgottachangesometime · 09/02/2023 17:10

Has your son mentioned this as an issue for him? I mean is he aware that he isn’t having relationships like some of his peers?

I’m not sure if there is much you can do other than try to boost his self-esteem, provide opportunities for him to meet others and pick up on any social issues that might impact on him.

Iyjd · 09/02/2023 17:16

Poor thing, this was me as a child! Do you have any family he can spend more time with, maybe emphasise how lucky he is to be such good friends with his cousin or anything?

Iyjd · 09/02/2023 17:18

Iyjd · 09/02/2023 17:16

Poor thing, this was me as a child! Do you have any family he can spend more time with, maybe emphasise how lucky he is to be such good friends with his cousin or anything?

As an adult I have decided I think I am autistic, I have researched heavily and I think this was linked to some of my struggles. I am a teacher and when I think back to my time at school I think the behaviour and struggles of some of the autistic girls we have is very similar to me as a child. I know that being aware of this as a child wouldn’t have made me have different relationships with peers but it would have helped me understand why I struggled in situations and therefore people wouldn’t have picked me first.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/02/2023 17:21

Maybe step back a bit, because trying to force friendships may be counter-productive? I agree with PPs suggesting an activity like Beavers. He may find it easier to make friends through shared activities.

What is his birth month, btw? If he is one of the youngest in the school year, this may be part of the issue - there is a big developmental difference between a child who just turned 7 and one who is nearly 8. Maybe other kids just read him as young?

Runaway1 · 09/02/2023 17:22

I posted about this for my 7yo earlier in the week! For her, friendship groups have shifted as they all mature have and this has left her a bit out of things.

I spoke to her teacher and she has mixed up the seating and will shuffle it again in a few weeks. I think I’m just going to reassure dd that it will change again and keep doing play dates where we can.

1AngelicFruitCake · 09/02/2023 17:23

If I were you I’d make an appointment to speak with the teacher again. After all, they are with your child a lot and see how they interact with others. I’d ask for their honesty, could they say what they notice that means your child is left out.

chopc · 09/02/2023 17:24

He may not have found his tribe. My DD was like this and finally a year into secondary school, she has some close friends

fastandthecurious1 · 09/02/2023 17:27

Ohh just didn't want to read and run and I have a 5 year old son and this is my worse nightmare I dread if he struggles to make friendships:(

You sounds like you're doing everything you can too! Maybe new clubs and do you have any neighbours or family he could mix with more if there's similar children.

MangshorJhol · 09/02/2023 17:30

Can I offer a different perspective? This was my DH. Never had friends. Didn’t really get invited to parties (he grew up in the Midwest in the US but he’s Asian). Was never part of a group. He was also shy and geeky. Even as an adult he has a small select group of friends. We met at Uni and we have been together since day dot. He is quite socially awkward. Quite a bit in fact. But that’s who he is. He’s kind, genuinely an equal parent and the loveliest person I know. We have been together for 20 + years. He’s also ridiculously smart (as in he’s won presidential awards for his work as a scientist/physician). He’s very popular with his patients and colleagues because he’s humble and kind. He’s never going to be the heart and soul of a party. MIL talks about how she spent years worrying about him endlessly and trying to find friends for him. She was almost in tears one day telling me about it. She had a chronic disease and was in hospital and she said her worry about him consumed her. He’s still a loner but he’s happy in himself, we have a good life with our kids and so as long as your son is good and kind, I hope life will be kind to him too.

Cassie4 · 09/02/2023 17:34

What's he like personality wise? Is he loud, quiet, imaginative, contemplative, inclined or not inclined to take the lead on a game etc?

Try and fit the activity to the personality trait because he's more likely to meet some like minded kids. If you have a child who is bright, studious and not interested in sports - no point in signing him up for a football team to make friends, because the kids there won't be his people - if you see what I mean?

Although you do hear of kids who signed their very quiet and shy child up for drama classes and they thrived - so it's not an exact science by any stretch!

stackofchairs · 09/02/2023 17:35

I was like your DS and I'm autistic. I'm not saying yours could be but I just didn't know how to make friendship work. I had people I really liked but didn't know how to approach them, the way others do it.

Has the teacher mentioned any sen? When did the problem start? 7 is roughly the age when kids start to find their own tribe but for some it can take a little longer.

Don't invite more than one child per playdate to minimise issues you mentioned. Is he happy at school?

GloomyDarkness · 09/02/2023 17:35

Beaver/cubs/scouts - might help - or might not.

Also it may change with age or change of schools and social groups - it has with with my children less DD2 who seems to make close friends and get included but DD1 and DS.

It got better for DS with move to new area in primary - he was very happy then many of his friends went to different secondaries and few friends he had left were in different classes - it's improved a bit this year.

In first place they went to school I was glad we'd had them close together as socializing outside school got harder for same reasons you say as we weren't "locals".

I think you need to make sure they have opportunities in build their social skills so if things do shift they have skills to make most of opportunities.

SamPoodle123 · 09/02/2023 17:36

Does he do sport or other activities? That helps build confidence. How is he when he plays with other kids? Is he nice? Does he annoy them? Sometimes certain behaviours means others will not want to play. If you observe him playing, you might be able to tell. Or perhaps he is shy. Sometimes dc will try and be friends with dc who are not interested, but there are others that are interested to be friends and encourage those friendships.

FancyFanny · 09/02/2023 17:36

Is your DS bothered by this? If not, I wouldn't worry. He's probably not found his crowd yet. Primary school classes of 30 offer a very small selection of kids to pick from. Once he goes to secondary school where there are a lot more children he'll no doubt slot in somewhere better.