My Unpopular Child

[LunchBoxTeeth]

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

We have the same problem with our son (8), not sure what to do. Our daughter (11) doesn't have a problem making friends, everyone wants to be with her.

I have the same with his sisters. They have no problems getting friends. Maybe the issue is that girls like to collect friends whereas boys are less sociable, so I'm putting unreasonable expectations on him based on his sisters. I'm just guessing here.

NB, I read a really interesting book a few years back about why childhood popularity is not the most important thing, nor a guarantee of future success or popularity. www.amazon.co.uk/Popularity-Illusion-status-toxic-likeability/dp/1785040553/ref=sr_1_1?crid=V7JQONSDSB20&keywords=the+popularity+illusion&qid=1676064136&sprefix=popularity%2Caps%2C137&sr=8-1

My dc is now 23. Never fitted in. It breaks my heart

We're now in secondary and out the other side a bit. The bigger pool of kids has helped our daughter find a small friendship group, plus she's developed her social skills a bit more too.

I really wish schools/parents banned young children from having ‘best’ friends! The amount of kids who are left upset by not having a ‘best’ friend is horrible. If I’m ever blessed with children, they’ll invite every child to their parties, I don’t care how expensive it is. I’d take a loan sooner than I’d leave a child at home! Have you tried calling one of the other mothers and explaining to them just how grateful you’d be for a play date? Mine did this years ago when my brother was about 9, and my brother was best man at this boy’s wedding two years ago!

That's such a sweet story. I have invited every child in the class at one time or another to come over to play. It just gets embarrassing to keep asking when there's so little interest from the other parents/children. But like I said before, I don't know how many people are having play dates with other children and how many just don't socialise with classmates.

I really wish schools/parents banned young children from having ‘best’ friends! The amount of kids who are left upset by not having a ‘best’ friend is horrible. If I’m ever blessed with children, they’ll invite every child to their parties

@Clara202 as you say you don’t have children. Perhaps you should understand that children are people and you cannot ‘ban’ them from having a best friend. Nor can you make them want every child in their class to come to their party. Mine actively doesn’t like some of the rough and tumble kids so are you saying they should have a shit party just in case someone is left out?

stop being so naive

This is heartbreaking…

Schools where I am have a Buddy Bench in the playground. You sit on the bench if you are without a friend for some reason and you want to play, and the other kids are supposed to notice and invite you to join in. It works a lot of the time. If you just want to be alone with your thoughts you can mooch off on your own and steer clear of the bench.

I think that schools and teachers have no business interfering in friendships unless they are bullying or toxic. My DD and her first ‘best friend’ in reception were abruptly split up at the start of year 1 because ’they spent too much time together’. Who knows if it would have lasted at that age, but DD took a while to adjust and has never forgiven the interference to this day. She is now 21 and has a lovely group of different friends from both school and uni.

I think you need to ask the teacher to stop having your DS help other children. He is losing more by doing this than he is gaining.

Why do you think he needs a confidence booster?

Why do you think not doing this would affect the him negatively?

Does he compare his academic ability to that of the other children?

If yes, how did that situation come about?

My eldest DS is now 24. His school years were really hard, he struggled to make friends and mix with other children. He never got invited to parties and only had one friend. I worried myself sick for years and tried very hard to help him. I organised big birthday parties, inviting the whole class but he rarely got invited back. He played in a local football team from 6-16 years old but still didn’t feel included. The positive outcome is that once he started university at 18, he made a good friend when he lived in halls. The following year they both moved into a house with 3 other boys. He played in the uni football and rugby teams and became very popular, making lots of friends. Since leaving uni he moved back home but regularly sees his uni friends, lots of holidays and festivals, etc. He has a girlfriend who he’s been with for 3 years and an excellent job where he’s made lots of friends. Although the childhood years were hard and difficult for him (and heartbreaking for me) he’s ended up very happy. Although this doesn’t solve your sons current situation, I hope it offers you some hope for his future.

This happened to me. We remained best friends and I did not make friends in the class I was put into.

I've always wondered what makes a child very popular and another unpopular. I feel for your son it must be hard for him. I also agree that he must feel you are being very critical about him and that will knock his confidence even more.
I don't think you can make him popular but it does sound like you are doing your best to get him to socialise with kids his age.

Kids often go through these periods in their lives. Both of my two did. Have you noticed anything wanting in his social skills? Focus on him being a positive person, being kind, and having lots of outside interests. But also don't make him feel bad about not having so many friends. At some point he will "find his tribe" - for me it was at university.

Can I also say all children are different. I was a loner in school it never bothered me always happy in my own company.Got good grades then uni and a good job.Got married tho how I dont know as dont talk much haha 4 kids now 35 still only couple of friends. Recently got diagnosed with autism still not bothered im more than happy around my kids,hubby and family. Now here's the thing from age 8-11 I was pushed into clubs,parties to supposedly help me mix which parents and family obviously thought I needed. By age 13 I started to hate everybody in my family, I started to kick off in school out of frustration at being pushed into something not comfy for me. I basically went from being a good girl to real bad in a mix of anger,frustration,upset as it built up over time. I then started mixing with wrong crowds drugs,drinking etc to try prove I was normal and try to fit in what I thought was wanted. At 15 I got a new teacher who spotted everything and helped me break away and concentrate on grades and not making bad friends.She basically put me straight again. She told my parents she thought I had autism or something similar. At the time the Dr's wouldn't listen and only in the last 5 years as an adult I was diagnosed. So please if your son is happy dont force him it could also go wrong.

I don't have children, but I can empathise with this child. At the same age I had no friends either, and never knew why. I was shy and well-behaved, but didn't seem to make an impression on others, except as a joke. It's hard being a child, much easier being an adult, or maybe it's that I grew into my skin, and don't care what people think. My only advice is to stand up to bullies, which I never did. Bullies are cowards. Even better, learn how to defend yourself against those who might be inclined to get physical. It's the only way to get respect from these people.

It doesn't sound like he's disliked as such, just not popular. Maybe it's similar to him not being good at maths or sports. Maybe he's not a good looking kid. It's OK to be average at most things.
How does he differ from his siblings? Dont try and change his personality but might it help if you eg encouraged bravery, assertiveness, confidence? Is he clingy, timid, aggressive, or a 'whiner' etc?
My first question though would be does he mind? If not just let him be him

This was the same with my ds. He had speech delay. Once the kids stopped having all class parties that was it. One year when he was about 10 or 11 he decided he wanted a party somewhere but we couldn't find the minimum of I think it was 8 to invite. No one dislikes him but he is ND and he does fixate on things sometimes. He is 19 now and at university. I still wish he had a friend but his dd1 (age 31) and her dh live near and have him over every week to ten day. Dd3 who is 15 overheard some air cadets talking about him ( he left 18 months ago and was head of corps and a Lord Lieutenant's Cadet) and they called him the perfect cadet. I just wish he wasn't so 'perfect' and had even one friend!

My son is not invited to school parties but he does from football club kids outside of school where's he's a lot happier. Don't limit social to school only.

This is going to sound really harsh and I apologies in advance.
Parents of children can equally be unkind, could it the the parents of these children? Do you get on with the parents?

Oh, OP, so much of this is so similar to my daughter!
A bit bossy, needs to be in control, needs to show what she knows. She is autistic and probably ADHD (mid assessment). School did say friendship difficulties and social skill difficulties and she may have found her tribe... but she hit burnout and developed (more) school trauma in Y6 and now can't attend and hasn't for nearly a year.

But I do think self esteem is so important. She always wanted a best friend. Ironically she does have one friend now, despite really never leaving the house, who is also autistic and it works SO much better.

I'd keep supporting him and watching how he develops. I wasn't sure when my DD was referred for autism assessment at 7 but it is SO clear now she's 12.

I have two DS who are now teens. Having watched them on holidays in hotels over the years (as at school you don't really know what goes on but in hotels I can spy and stalk) I see how they very quickly make friends with all the boys staying there. It seems instant and it's all because of playing football. If a boy plays football/rugby then they're automatically in the gang, they don't seem to need to chat much first and the more players in the team the better so no on is turned away. Team sports might also be an outlet for your DS wanting to be dominate things as he will find his level on the pitch. What about local kids teams that do training at weekends where all standards are welcome? Football and rugby are "cool" at any age. (Im so pleased I wasn't a boy!!!!!). I really feel for you, OP. Your boy sounds a dear little thing and you will just want everything to be lovely for him. You sound very insightful about his personality which is a great advantage for him. Hope he finds his people soon!

Ds has always been a bit like this. He's never ever had a fall out with anyone and he did have a best friend thru primary, along with a wide group of friends, but not through any effort on his part.

The parents of his friends became our friends. We've spent years doing stuff together, but ds will not really involve himself with the other kids. He's never been into football, but he's done the usual martial arts and scouts.

I thought he'd find his people in high school, but he hasn't. He doesn't have a single phone number in his phone, not even his old friends who he went to high school with. The number of people he games with has dwindled to one. He still doesn't know the names of anyone he goes to scouts with.

I think he struggles in groups and, whilst he tells me he hangs round with group, he's never invited anywhere. My spies tell me he was doing some stupid stuff to make them laugh last year. I suspect he's inoffensive enough to not actively chase away, but won't put the effort in to actually make and cultivate friendships. It kills me that he can't find anyone with the same interests as him. I work in a high school and pretty much all the kids manage to find friends. He's in a massive school, so there must be someone into the same stuff, but he's also incredibly awkward round other kids. He prefers a single adult, who he can talk about horror or politics or ancient history with. Having encountered many, many students over the years, I suspect he's add with a side order of asd.

His sister appears to instinctively know how to 'do' friendships, in a way that took me years to work out. It's a mystery.