My Unpopular Child

[LunchBoxTeeth]

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

This is my daughter and I worry about her but she seems to be happy .I spoke to the teacher too and she has done a few movements around .
Play dates are so hard for us as she has a severely autistic brother and I worry about inviting people to our house as it's very small and her brother is quite full on .
But she's a very kind and lovely child .brilliant and very high achieving.she kinds of want to play with children like her brother and I wonder if it's a lack of confidence as I have observed her at some outings with her classmates and she's quite solitary and kind of avoids most of the girls but will speak and play with the boys .
She loves going to school though so I guess she's happy in herself .She's just 6 and I hope she finds her tribe too .

Is your DS upset by it? If not I would try not to worry. It may just be that he is naturally just a quieter person or just a different personality type and less in to the more boisterous noisy play.
As a secondary school teacher I'm sure he will find "his people" and when he does they will be real solid friendships.

I wanted to ask if he sees this as an issue. Has he brought this up at all. If not my advice is to step back. As parents we want the best but if his natural personality is introverted and he doesn't easily make friends then forcing it wont work. If he is upset by it then of course you need to act bit most of your post suggests it's you that's finding this hard.

No advice as we are in a very similar situation with our 6 year old. She wants to invite her whole class to a party but I'm not sure many will turn up.

The key issue is is it upsetting him or you?

This was my son. What we did was get him to be really good at something ‘cool’. For example if your son likes football this will set him up for life in the secondary school playground, particularly if he is good. Mine is non sporty so we got him guitar lessons at about the age your son is and now he is a teenager he is very good and able to join bands. What I’m saying is build his confidence so even if he’s not got loads of friends he feels successful and good at something. In actual fact, for my ds the primary school was just too small a pond for him to find his people and he is way happier at secondary.

He's only 7, give him a chance to 'come into his own'.

He doesn't seem to be doing too badly from what you've said, it's just that he doesn't have a close friend or friendship group yet.

That may (and probably will) come as he gets older, so hang in there

I agree with this. What you don’t want to do is thinking him as “my unpopular child” or behave any differently as a result.

Keep things completely normal and do fun thing outside school. Don’t let him think it upsets you.

@MangshorJhol What a lovely post.

I worried a bit about DS when he was primary age but he found a good group of friends at secondary. I agree help he find something that he loves and support him to become good at it for the self esteem boost.

This was my thought too. Perhaps he needs to widen his net beyond the kids who can have their pick of friends and try to get to know the less popular ones.
Also, not doing something 'wrong' in children's friendships is often a world away from what adults think. Children can do something 'wrong' by not wearing the right clothes, having the wrong hair cut, being bad at football, being well behaved, being quiet or cautious.
Being popular is often nothing to do with being kind, sharing etc and a lot is down to luck and the peer group in question.

Same boat here, all through primary, and I am trying to change my mindset. I never want my dd to feel she is letting me down by not being popular. Friendships were hugely important to me at school but they don't have to be the main event for dd. She has loads of other stuff going for her. I'm a real people pleaser and constantly worrying what people think. She says she's used to being unpopular so doesn't worry at all about what people think of her. I'm half heart broken by that but half think it could be a superpower for her!

I’ve done the same.

My non sporty son took to swimming and it now aiming for squad plus he’s super academic. My sporty son plays for the local village football team and is now in with the cool kids at school. Youve got to find something your child can excel in and feel good about themselves.

I'm so so sorry. It is heartbreaking. This happened to DS2 and I can't pretend - it was really tough going for a very long time.

But - he has two large, strong friendship groups now - one from 6th form and one from uni and a lovely girlfriend who he met online, so he also knows her mates too, and seems quite pally with some work colleagues. He's become Mr Popular after years of never quite fitting in at school.

Keep doing what you are doing. Invite people for 1-2-1 playdates so they can;t gang up and make sure they are good sessions - make food they love, put a good new game on the playstation or get hold of a fun thing to do like a table football games table. Never comment on whether the play date is reciprocated. Same with parties. If he mentions it, just say, people don't always make an effort to take turns. Doesn't really matter, as long as you're having a good time. That's a bit of a lie, as DS used to be desperate just to see inside another person's house - just be invited over for a change of scene but I played it down because it would only be hurtful to get hung up on it. Same with parties. I put a lot of effort into what he did so people always agreed to turn up. Almost no reciprocals, even if they were just eating pizza and watching a film.

There's no logic to it.I don;t think there's much point analysing it. My two are both quite quirky. Also quite bright. I think it amde them bothinteract in a way that wasn't quite 'normal' - not weird, just fractionally different, and young boys are very very conformist.

Make sure he feels loved and fully accepted at home. Don't try to change him (unless a genuine issue comes to light, like him behaving badly to others). Reassure him he's fine as he is and will make friends in time.

He will be fine .My younger son was a bit like that in primary school but came into his own later and was very popular and still is .I found it was easier for my kids to make friends when mothers are not so involved ie when kids are older and have more independence and do their own thing.

I was like this as a child but as an adult I have lots of friends and found my tribe so to speak.

I was quite mature and bright for my age so preferred older children, is your DS out of sync maturity wise?

like a PP, we’ve encouraged DS with football so he knows the basics and can join in. He’s going to start beavers once a spot opens up to give him another social opportunity.

sending a hug, we all want our children to be happy.

My DS is like this. He is currently being diagnosed as autistic. It will be "mild" as in he is in main stream school, and doesn't impact his life that much but he doesn't click with many people his age. He is a lovely but a bit odd. He is navigating teenage years ok with some friends he made at scouts.

I really wouldn't worry - once he is in secondary he will find his own crowd, and friendships and parties will be formed by the kids, not peddled by cliquey mothers.
I do agree with him widening his social circle with out of school activities.

My dd is similar, she has had friendship problems but the majority of the time she does get along with the girls at school but she's not clicked with anyone. We have done all the usual stuff, playdates etc. In my experience the children come, eat our food, play with dd and then the situation continues as before when dd is still not in the group and not invited for playdates.

I think schools can be difficult environments for friendships, what if you just don't click with someone? I think this is probably the case for many children.

To all posters with this problem bless your dc it’s so hard being a parent at times. Sending hugs to you all as I don’t have the answer I’m afraid 😧 😢

Can the teacher offer the names of some children who might be a good fit personality wise so you can focus on these? Ex teacher speaking

Oh you have my sympathy💐. One of my 3 kids is terminally unpopular. They are not an angel but no more tricksy than their peers and it’s incredibly hard for them to watch their siblings who have friends. Beavers etc is a good idea. A team sport could also help? My unpopular one does have a couple of friends outside of school now which is a relief. Teachers have said they don’t understand it - their form teacher last year tried really hard to help the situation but it hasn’t made much difference. They get on much better with adults and I spend lots of time telling them that it won’t always be like this. Sorry, not much help - but knowing you’re not alone hopefully is something.

In the same situation, however my son has some special needs so he comes across as much less mature than his peers and I worry about him constantly. He's happy enough for now, he's turning 8 next month and I'm not sure what to do about his birthday this year due to that...

He seems oblivious to it so far so I'm not sure if it bothers him but we worry about him growing up and being isolated. He does have a little brother and they adore each other so he doesn't feel the lack of play dates.

One of my kids was very similar at that age. My oldest child was very good looking with unusual coloring and people would ignore my second child and give all the attention to my oldest. Adults and children. So my oldest always had tons of friends and my second child was never the first pick of other children in his social circle, would get left out of parties, and so on. It was interesting (and saddening) to observe how the subtle rejection made him socially anxious and even more quiet. (It's a bit of a vicious cycle but the first event was the way people ignored him, that wasn't his fault).

And then something happened around age 15. Somehow he found a group of like-minded kids and now has a big friend group and they all get along really well.

I have no idea what changed. We didn't do anything special as the parents. We tried to make him available for different playdates, got him into different activities (he's not athletic, so none of those ever worked out, he hated them), and nothing really worked. And then one day he came home from school with 6 kids we'd never met before, and that group has been thick as thieves ever since. He did express frustration before that happened, that somehow other kids just didn't seem to bother with him, and we couldn't see anything he was doing "wrong" (i.e. social skills). He's a nice, decent kid. I would say the only thing we did that maybe was helpful was just reassure him that he was a nice, likeable kid. We couldn't make people make friends with him, but it didn't seem fair to make him feel like there was something he was doing wrong (especially when we ourselves couldn't find anything he was doing anything wrong), so we just supported his self-confidence and said, "Who knows, people are busy, just keep meeting new people and doing things you enjoy and maybe one day there'll be people where it works out."

I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards

What kind of things do you notice he does that you think might not be helpful to him in fostering friendships? At 7 he is still very young. Are you friends with other parents in his class. My DS just turned 6 so a little bit younger, but we do tend to spend time with families at the weekend or in the school holidays where the parents get on really well too. I'm sure that will change as the kids get older though!

Does he do any team sports like rugby? My DS has made friends from his class at rugby who he might not have naturally hung around with at school, and this has really widened his friendship circle

I agree with previous posters though, if your son doesn't seem to mind too much then don't make it in to a big thing - although I get why this is bothering you, we just want our kids to have the happiest life possible!

@KeepLosingThings - ours sound similar💐. I love your idea of them
learning not to mind being unpopular being a superpower. Hope they both eventually find their tribe🤞🤞.