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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Unpopular Child

283 replies

LunchBoxTeeth · 09/02/2023 16:33

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 10/02/2023 12:33

This is so sad to read.
There was a boy at our school who clearly came from a neglectful family, he smelt of urine, and never had a coat in winter.
No one played with him, and my heart hurt to see him cry, head down on the desk.
I used to talk to him, but for a boy, a girl at that age wasn't what was wanted.

Kids can be incredibly cruel.

GloomyDarkness · 10/02/2023 12:33

Konfetka · 10/02/2023 12:14

Is he an only child, OP?

I can always identify adults who were onlies, the only exceptions being the ones who went to boarding school. Boarding may take some adjustment for an only child but ultimately they gain social skills that prepare them for life.

My Dh is an only child - never went to boarding school but rather rough comprehensive - he has exceptionally good social skill better than mine - middle of 3 - he doesn't fit with this stereotype of lonely only outcast.

Do you let him experience popular culture type stuff that allows him to join in with peers.

This is a good point.

We let them do Minecraft when it was popular and that seemed to help DS in primary- also football practise at school wasn't really competitive but did mean he could and did join in more football games at break/lunch.

Currently both DD 2 and DS are following in DH footsteps of card games at lunch - a club started up it fairly quiet and suits them and several of their group and seems to have cemented a few tentative friendships.

I didn't see ET till an adult and still haven't seen jaws - so probably have made sure they see popular cultural things or do them and MIL and I both had wrong clothes - due to money and disinterest from parents - so while they don't have designer clothes they do have confidence of right things when it was important to them.

Just keep giving opportunities to build social skills - try not to come across as critical of him because from experience however well meaning it knock you back further and make you feel you are somehow wrong which makes reaching out even harder - and give it time.

oakleaffy · 10/02/2023 12:34

Edit..Not saying that anyone here is remotely neglectful, but kids are massively 'Conventional' for the most part, and anyone outside the 'norm' tends to be shunned.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2023 12:37

Do school do anything eg dd’s school used to have a scheme where older played with younger - they had equipment like bean bags or a buddy bench where you can sit and someone will come over knowing you want to play.

blobby10 · 10/02/2023 12:57

My kids were the same - they are all in their 20s now and none have a massive circle of friends. What they do have is a small circle of really good friends who will be there for them through good times and bad. And they are all self reliant and will happily go on holidays or out for days on their own if no one else is available rather than miss out on experiences. Not having loads of friends isn't always a bad thing.

JustDanceAddict · 10/02/2023 13:08

It’s really hard on us parents to see our kids struggling with friendships like this. I can only give my experience as a mum to now adult DCs.
My eldest - DD - wasn’t great at making friends, often got left out, so-called friends excluded her, this carried on til about 16 when she found some more likeminded people - in and out of school. Dd was/is a bit socially awkward, was always a shy child but ok with those she knew well if she was comfortable with them but she didn’t fit the norm. She now thinks she’s at least adhd, if not autistic, but hasn’t bothered to get a diagnosis yet. The social exclusion by friends was the worst part of it all and has really led to low self-esteem even though she’s a social butterfly in her own ‘realm’ at uni.

As for DS, he’d hate me saying it but apart from a blip around 13/14 where his mates were all mastering differently he’s always been popular and liked generally - he’s more personable and fitted the norm more than DD I suppose!
if I had hindsight I’d tell myself not to sweat it in the younger years & they find their own path in the end. I also wasn’t popular as a child but around 15 I also met my ‘people’ outside of school and they are still my best friends now after 35 years. Definitely keep plugging the out of school activities/groups.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 10/02/2023 13:09

I don't know if this is everyone's experience but by the time they got to year 10 all of the boys in my son's year were playing football together, my son didn't like it and ended up friends with the two other boys and all the girls that did not.
Football peaked then and at Secondary only a few carried on.

TimandGinger · 10/02/2023 13:09

Luana1 · 10/02/2023 12:18

Sorry this is ridiculous and plays into the 'lonely only' stereotype. I have a couple of good friends who are only children and they are no different from anyone else I know. My eldest was an only until he was 6 and never had any problems with friendships. I cant believe you are suggesting all only children should be shipped off to boarding school. Hands down one of the most bonkers things I've ever read on mumsnet!

Show quote history

Yeah what a load of rubbish. One of my best friends (sadly died two years ago; way too young) was an only child. She had had a great childhood - ponies, loads of friends etc. Very successful career when older and lots of friends; very caring, happy marriage. Better social skills than me and I've got a sister 😂

JustDanceAddict · 10/02/2023 13:10

oakleaffy · 10/02/2023 12:34

Edit..Not saying that anyone here is remotely neglectful, but kids are massively 'Conventional' for the most part, and anyone outside the 'norm' tends to be shunned.

That’s how I felt about myself as a child. I was outside the norm for many reasons - I bought my DCs up in a v conventional way but my eldest chose an unconventional path.

Wonderpoo · 10/02/2023 13:21

@Konfetka i know you’re trying to be aloof and clever by saying ‘the ladies doth protest’ but it doesn’t work. Someone disagreeing with a statement you’ve made in a succinct rational way and providing evidence, doesn’t indicate someone protesting too much.

Also the grammar makes no sense. Thanks

Iceysuperslide · 10/02/2023 13:23

Many parents can’t see the wood for the trees at least you have insight in to the personality trait that’s causing the issue. Plus some children do not grow out of being bossy so do not assume anything. My friends DS was like yours a know it all and bossy. She always excused it said he was lovely and never pulled him up on his ways, ever. My DS really started to complain about spending time with him, he was a year younger so I let the friendship slide.

You do need to find an appropriate way to address his behaviour.
Sometimes parents have no clue or do not want to see, love really is blind. I think you are emotionally astute to recognise and acknowledge the issue.

cynthiasrevels · 10/02/2023 13:26

My son is bright, wants to control games, can't compromise, and misses social cues. He's autistic. He's nearly 11 and has a small group of friends now, but at 7-8, when friendship groups were forming amongst the more mature children, it was hard.

NotableSilences · 10/02/2023 13:35

Konfetka · 10/02/2023 12:30

the ladies doth protest

This poster doth lack any evidence to back up his/her dimwit generalisations.

unsureatthispoint · 10/02/2023 13:56

I was that child and I've survived.

It's not always possible to be likeable (by the majority). Or, in order to be, you have to make so many changes that you would become a shadow of yourself or be a totally different person. That's not desirable and may have MH consequences

Just let him be himeself and he'll be fine

IamnotSethRogan · 10/02/2023 14:02

I did go through similar with my DS and it is pretty heart breaking.

I don't have any help for the immediate situation, but all i can say is primary school is such a small pool of children and he maybe just hasn't found his fit yet. My DS has not long started secondary school and he's really come into his own and has a lovely group of friends now. He was able to find people he gelled with better.

Ira13012004 · 10/02/2023 14:03

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

MugsAllOverTheLibrary · 10/02/2023 14:08

My DC (aged 8 Year 4) is like this a bit.

The teacher thinks covids partially to blame, because there was no social groups like scouts/ggs etc. in lockdown children who weren't in during the school closures got "left behind" socially and are playing catch up. Part of the problem in DCs class as well is there's a big group of the parents who live really close and have done for years so are all friends and encourage their DC to only play with their friends DCs so then those of us who live further out and aren't part of that group get left behind.

MyopicBunny · 10/02/2023 14:20

Konfetka · 10/02/2023 12:14

Is he an only child, OP?

I can always identify adults who were onlies, the only exceptions being the ones who went to boarding school. Boarding may take some adjustment for an only child but ultimately they gain social skills that prepare them for life.

What a helpful suggestion. If you're in the top 1% who could afford such a thing and if you are ok with shipping your child off for months at a time 🤔

CrimsonPostBox · 10/02/2023 14:24

What about a church kids/youth club? I've volunteered in some, and the "popular" kids always tried really hard to include everyone, and their parents would often really go out of their way to organise social things with the less popular children involved too.

marykay1 · 10/02/2023 14:26

Had some issues with DS too! He is now really into boxing and music! It really helps ! He has got friends from church too!

SVRT19674 · 10/02/2023 15:02

IWonderWhyIBother · 09/02/2023 21:38

Just did some Facebook hunting and she’s got what looks like a lovely group of friends. She found her tribe.

Show quote history

You made me wonder too with your first post, so glad you posted the second!

mathanxiety · 10/02/2023 15:23

He's loud, bossy, and lets the other children know he feels he's brighter than them.

They naturally choose to play with others who don't have these traits. I don't think you're right to dismiss the problems the other children see.

How does your child know he's bright?
How did he come to the conclusion that being bright is a desirable personal characteristic?

I'd put your DS into a team sport or activity. Swimming is nice but it's an individual sport and it's basically swimmer vs clock. He needs something to challenge him and that requires appreciating the strengths of others amd working with them.

Cuppasoupmonster · 10/02/2023 15:42

If he’s a bit of a know it all and bossy then that will be putting other kids off. He sounds a bit too confident if anything. There are some ‘confident’ traits which are desirable (jokey, easy to talk to, energetic/up for anything) and some which aren’t (arrogance, knowing everything, bossiness).

I agree with other posters about putting him a club in something he isn’t very good at, so he will have to listen and learn from the other kids and not assert himself as ‘top’ immediately. Sport maybe?

I find modern parenting can encourage some kids to be a bit ‘intense’ or precocious because their parents never tease them, challenge them about anything or just flat out tell them when they’re being annoying for example.

CantFindMyMarbles · 10/02/2023 17:40

this is heartbreaking and I’m not sure what is wrong with the 11% who think you are being unreasonable.
I would try having some more ‘fun’ play dates like a pizza party evening, soft play + dinner play dates etc. I’d also stick with having the same 2-3 children over in the hope of developing friendships that way.
Definitely continue with the groups and consider inviting some of those children over too

EMUKE · 10/02/2023 17:44

Oh my heart…. YUP we have this with my 7 year old daughter. She has always been an introvert. She has 1 best friend and gets upset when she’s off sick or holiday. We try and make such an effort with others but it’s hard. I blamed myself. Nanny does drop off and pick up, my husband and I work full time so hard doing play dates or after school activity’s putting extra on Nanny. Iv realised that actually DD is happy, she’s independent, strong willed and knows what she likes and doesn’t. It’s hard as at this age the teachers have said they realise who they “actually” like and gravitate towards rather than just playing with everyone. At this age children cant communicate that they don’t like certain children for what ever reason so they just stay with who they do, unfortunately leaving others out. When they grow it may change? For my daughter I just think she will be an alpha female. As long as she’s happy I am. I do make sure I make a real effort on half terms with days out and fun. I dread when the kids go back talking about their time off and days meeting up with each other when mine doesn’t have that or get the invite.