My Unpopular Child

[LunchBoxTeeth]

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

Oh this made me feel really sad. But I can't manage my emotions for toffee.

I don't think I have anything useful to add. Nursery have told me before that some children are always very popular and often they can never figure out why but some just make a beeline for the same one.

Hopefully he will find his little group soon. When I got to secondary there were lots more smaller friendship groups than at primary and I found it easier to move between them.

Try beavers and cubs

I blame some parents - there are and always will be some who are in cliques/claques who want to perpetuate and promulgate that status quo - by acts and omissions- to the detriment of other childrens’ socialisation/well-being - happened to our lovely granddaughter in CTK school Liverpool - she’s now moved to Bellerive and is thriving socially and academically thank God - I’ll never forgive those parents ( most of them altar chewers) who caused her so much distress 👍🏿☘️

I was an unpopular child - I just didn't have the skills to make friends, keep them, or engage with people on a deeper sharing-secrets-level.

I just went along with the crowd, and true bonds never really developed.

Looking back, I had a very frail sense of identity. I didn't have any passions, opinions or interests. I didn't have that innate sense of self-esteem.

It was worsened because I felt very different to other kids, my family set-up was different, I was praised as being 'gifted' so my only real mark of identity was being smart.

One thing I try to work with DD (6.5) on, is having her own identity, being confident in who she is, being open and honest about how she feels etc.

If it makes you feel any better - though I was a lonely kid, I made friends at college and am a relatively popular adult (I'm now 44) - I make and keep friends easily, maybe because I empathise with how it feels to be on the outside.

Our eldest was like this, at the end of year one he told his teacher 'it's OK I can be my own best friend', we moved him schools and he's now at the heart of a wonderful group of five inseparable, lovely boys.

Being popular can have its downsides. The most popular girl in my DC's class is now grown up and on Probation.

This is so bloody true 👏

This was me between the ages of 5-9.
My mom tells very sad stories about buying me skipping ropes so people would ask to play with me, the teachers trying to get people to include me..tragic!
Then at 9 I moved school cos we moved house and something just clicked. I think maybe being a novelty, people were curious and came up to me which broke down my natural as l shyness? But I don't exactly know.
As an adult, I became a journalist and without sounding like a knob I'm highly sociable and popular...I have friends from all periods of my life and struggle to fit everyone in around with/husband/kids!
So I suppose my point is, don't worry unduly. We all develop different skills at different ages and how your child is now is no reflection of who they might be in ten years...or even next year. Just accept and love them as they are and don't ever suggest to them you're worried...it'll just knock their confidence and create a bigger issue.
We all find our tribe eventually!

When you observe him playing does he try to actually engage with the other kids as I read a tweet similar to this and her daughter wasn't actually trying to speak to any of the children but said the children didn't have any to play with her. Just a thought!

One of my children was the same. I used to worry and it made me sad, but…

I have found, as he gets older, that he just isn’t bothered. So I don’t worry so much.

Turns out he is very bright and very good at sport. He is always welcomed by other kids at play time because of the sporting ability - everyone wants him on their team! But at first school, he was just alone.

So, I make sure he participates in lots of sporting groups so he is not alone.

I would recommend finding what your child is good at and builds their confidence to just be themselves. Encourage these activities and let them be. Whether it’s drama, swimming, scouts - anything that makes him feel good.

my son looked like a kid that was being rejected when he was young but now he looks like a kid who just gets on with life and is confident in himself and who he is. I would like him to have more friends but he seems ok :)

My dd has recently started a new school and made a friend (age 12) who has never had a birthday party as she never made close school friends in her primary school and preferred the company of her older sister. She is the most lovely girl but very unassuming and unlikely to take a lead role in a game or activity. She and my dd share some interests and it has just been lovely seeing them become friends.

I do think your dc will find his people. It might take time. Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

I'd be careful of making it too much of an issue for him. DH was not a very 'popular' child, and I wasn't at the beginning of secondary at DH has been, overly IME, stressed about the kids' popularity at school and I always told him I didn't want it to rub off on them. He had an anxious mum who overcompensated and probably made a big deal in front of him of him not being sufficiently popular which in turn gave him anxiety. Oldest, as it happened always had sufficient friends to my mind and now at secondary, despite being very unconventional, has lots of lovely friends.

DS, who perhaps had more issues, has started secondary, and seems to be finding a small coterie of other non-neurotypical friends (he has ADHD) - also worth saying one of his best friends is from neither school he's attended, but he met at a summer camp. It can difficult for DS as he's August born and with the ADHD not the most mature, he almost has more in common with 7-8 year olds than his 11-12 year old peers. It must be said, having a Nintendo Switch has been an enabler socially as it gives him something to do and discuss age-appropriately when he's not a 'football' boy.

My eldest is like this, never unpopular or disliked, but not a best friend.

He left school after GCSEs, went to college and found his tribe. I love it now that he goes out with friends, he never had them . We also think he might be autistic, we had to get an updated dyslexia assessment for university and the consultant recommended getting him assessed.

If your child is amenable, I’d really recommend taking up an instrument, one which can be played in an orchestra/band. Brass would be my first choice, as there are brass bands and also brass sections in an orchestra, rather than (say) piano. Or singing, though I recognise that this takes more confidence.

Being part of an orchestra or band will give him a social circle all through life.

Love your post @MangshorJhol - if this was my child I would find that very comforting. I love meeting those ‘socially awkward’ diamonds that other people overlook. They are usually such wonderful people with integrity, depth and quiet wisdom.

My DS was similar in primary school - just wasn't cool, did not like football, so did not really have any friends. We developed friends outside school, through music and children of family friends. It resolved at secondary school, when he "found his tribe", but the music stuff was brilliant for him. He is 18 now and absolutely fine.

I had a funny time at school but had lots of friends outside of school (parents friends kids) who I got on brilliantly with. Any friends who have kids the same age? You can encourage these friendships as well.

The one thing I would say is friendships change. I think sometimes younger children’s friendships are encouraged by parents, and who they are friendly with. It took my child a while to find his people. But now coming to the end of primary school his friendships seem to have changed again. One of his good friends is someone he clashed with as a five year old. I would ease off the play dates a bit. It probably doesn’t need to be every week. Maybe concentrate on clubs. Let him find his thing. If he is unhappy you could look at different primary school options.

Same here OP...No advice but I'll be watching with interest, its sad xx

Sometimes in primary there just isn't a group they gel with, keep going and try your best not to put your worries on him, you haven't said that he minds ? Is he fussed?

What does he do at lunchtime ?

I always post about DD on threads like this.

She's 11 now and had never been to a 'small' birthday before 10. Never invited, struggled with friends. Grade 6 she found her nerd herd. Lovely group of girls and a couple of boys. Nerdy, lots of neurodiverse kids and just the square pegs.

Give it time, don't force it!

My oldest child (8) is like this. It’s hard and I worry about it a lot. He is a lovely, happy boy and until recently hasn't been too bothered by it all. He is staring to notice though and it hurts my heart.

@MangshorJhol what an uplifting post. Your husband sounds lovely, as do you.