Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Unpopular Child

283 replies

LunchBoxTeeth · 09/02/2023 16:33

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 09/02/2023 18:09

MangshorJhol · 09/02/2023 17:30

Can I offer a different perspective? This was my DH. Never had friends. Didn’t really get invited to parties (he grew up in the Midwest in the US but he’s Asian). Was never part of a group. He was also shy and geeky. Even as an adult he has a small select group of friends. We met at Uni and we have been together since day dot. He is quite socially awkward. Quite a bit in fact. But that’s who he is. He’s kind, genuinely an equal parent and the loveliest person I know. We have been together for 20 + years. He’s also ridiculously smart (as in he’s won presidential awards for his work as a scientist/physician). He’s very popular with his patients and colleagues because he’s humble and kind. He’s never going to be the heart and soul of a party. MIL talks about how she spent years worrying about him endlessly and trying to find friends for him. She was almost in tears one day telling me about it. She had a chronic disease and was in hospital and she said her worry about him consumed her. He’s still a loner but he’s happy in himself, we have a good life with our kids and so as long as your son is good and kind, I hope life will be kind to him too.

@MangshorJhol that's a lovely story. Always good to play the long game

Scotty12 · 09/02/2023 18:10

This sounds heartbreaking for you. Do you have any ideas as to the possible reasons for other children not liking him so much?

OhmygodDont · 09/02/2023 18:15

My ds was like this in primary he didn’t have a group or tribe. He wasn’t the sport kid the football kid or the rich kid to be popular. Not nerdy enough for this kids either. Just a floater who could chat to everyone yet also nobody. Then he hit the age of gaming and suddenly he got a best friend. Then he went to secondary school and it’s him, his best friend and an ever expanding gaggle of girls who are constantly on the phone to him on loud speaker I may bloody well add. I can get up at 2am for a wee on Saturday and his in a group chat with five girls! My was little loner unpopular kid.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2023 18:17

If he's doesn't have any obvious socially disastrous behaviours, and the other kids like him (if not as their first preference) then I wouldn't worry too much. You've had some good advice about keeping playdates one-to-one and trying outside activities like Beavers to see if he may hit it off with someone there. If he likes football that is another option.

Someone suggested that he may be trying to befriend children who are in high social demand, and overlooking quieter children who would be happy to play with him - could there be some truth in this?

50change · 09/02/2023 18:20

Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it your child will find his friendship group in his own way in his own time.

anomaly23 · 09/02/2023 18:21

Who is saying no? The kids or the parents?

pinkleopards249 · 09/02/2023 18:21

Just from another parent's perspective:

I have 3 kids, youngest is 6 and I work 9-3 on weekdays. I need to take the kids to clubs and lessons after school and basically busy everyday. I do a couple of play dates in a year for the 6 year old if that. I organise birthday parties for say 6-8 kids and can't afford to invite every child. So if I know you I'm really sorry but please don't take it personally.

I'd speak to the teacher for more support at school so he finds a good group of friends he can play with.

Also worth noting that not all kids have weekly playdates with their friends as there's so much going on at home and clubs.

x2boys · 09/02/2023 18:28

My son was like this e throughout primary school being shy didn't help.,he found his people at secondary school though and has a solid group.of friends they are in year 11 now so.leave in a few months but are planning in keeping in touch in college.

MrsMikeHeck · 09/02/2023 18:30

I struggled socially as a child. Ten years ago, I started working in a primary school and it was interesting to see how friendship and popularity played out in a school.

My big take away was that socialising is a skill, like riding a bike or column addition. Some kids just take longer to develop that skill. Being popular in a setting like school isn’t a value judgement, it doesn’t make someone good, or better, or nice.

Keep opening doors to other social environments, clubs like others have suggested here. And if he likes those clubs, don’t panic if he doesn’t then develop close friendships from them. He can just acquire the skills of making positive connections with other people in his own time.

Maddison12 · 09/02/2023 18:32

No advice OP but I'm so sorry 💐
It sounds awful for him and for you. I'm sure it'll be better when he gets a little older, he just hasn't found 'his people' yet.

Mesoavocado · 09/02/2023 18:34

Yes been there with DS
A lovely boy but no firm friends until recently aged 10.
It has turned around and he is arranging his own play dates etc

CocoC · 09/02/2023 18:37

Don't make a big deal of it. It may be it bothers you more than him, and you are making him notice it more...Don't put any pressure on it.
My son was like this, but was actually not that fussed.
Also helps if you develop friendships with some of the mums, he will get more included that way, as you will do things as a group (ie the mum friends and their kids) at weekends etc.

RockStarship · 09/02/2023 18:45

It's actually still pretty common for 7 year olds not to have a firm set of friends at this age and flit between groups. My dd did this until Year 4 when she finally got a firm friendship group (although still flitted between groups as well).

3LittleFishes · 09/02/2023 18:46

I would definitely recommend getting him into scouts if possible, they are like a ready made tribe and there is a lot of emphasis on working together etc. They also have social/community based events to go to so you get to know some of the parents which makes organising play dates much easier. Some of the kids that go to scouts will probably go to your sons school which will hopefully oil the wheels a bit there too.

CopperMaran · 09/02/2023 18:47

Sceptre86 · 09/02/2023 17:41

No advice as we are in a very similar situation with our 6 year old. She wants to invite her whole class to a party but I'm not sure many will turn up.

When it became clear only 1 in my son’s class would turn up, I called round all my friends with kids of any age m, explained only one person was coming (only 3 replies in total ☹️) and asked them if they’d come with their kids. It was a pool party so it worked well and it has a table full of kids to sing happy birthday when it was time to blow out the candles. I never did school invites for him again. We went and visited family the next year and had a party with them and then I suggested to both the older two kids that we had family fun days instead of parties. Our eldest was at secondary by then so I also gave him money to go out with his friends to cinema and McDonald’s but his official celebration was a family day out.

sianiboo · 09/02/2023 18:48

You son is very lucky that you care about this.

I had much the same problem during both primary and secondary school - but that was because as a family we moved around the world so often (due to my father's job, not military) , there were so many changes of school. This was long before the internet, so staying in touch with our young friends was impossible. It was a facet of the constant moving that I don't think (even to this day) that my parents ever considered...we were actually encouraged NOT to have outside hobbies, interests, etc and my parents made it very clear they didn't like it if friends came around to our house to play. Neither myself or my two brothers ever had a sleepover, and only 'family' birthday parties ... and they ended when I was 9.

My parents were always of the belief that other kids would find our 'foreign' background, travels etc interesting, but the exact opposite was true...we were seen as being 'weird' and sounded 'strange'...any mention of our travels was seen as 'bragging'. I was quite badly bullied between the ages of 13 - 16...it only ended when the worst offenders left school and I stayed on in the 6th form. I never told my parents about it because I knew that they wouldn't really care. I started socializing with people outside of school and made friends that way.

I'd say the most important thing is to not making him feel like he's doing anything 'wrong'. I'd keep up with the outside clubs, and when it comes to his birthday, I'd ask him what he would like to do to celebrate it. It may not involve a party.

Favouritefruits · 09/02/2023 18:49

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but my son does ballet, it’s a class full of girls and he seems so such more himself with the girls, he gets invited to their parties and is always chatting away to them and talking about them, they have a very tight knit group. Would something like ballet appeal to your son?

EmmaDilemma5 · 09/02/2023 18:51

I would start targeting playdates towards other children who may be quieter or struggle socially. There are plenty of children who struggle to fit in the popular crowds.

It's heartbreaking as a parent though 🙁

MyopicBunny · 09/02/2023 18:52

Are there really 'popular crowds' at 7??

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/02/2023 18:52

chopc · 09/02/2023 17:24

He may not have found his tribe. My DD was like this and finally a year into secondary school, she has some close friends

My DC had the same experience. The primary class was horrid - as were their parents, who I did not gel well with either.

CocoC · 09/02/2023 18:54

Also - what really helped my son was that he did a lot of sport, and as a result he was quite good at it.
For boys, it really helps the social standing if he is good at football, or basketball, or whatever the 'big' sport around where you are is.
My son was quite good at football (as a result of doing a lot of it more than natural talent :), and that meant in the playground he would get included in the games, he wasn't the last one picked for teams etc. And he got respect, and included in conversations, which made him feel valued, which was an acceptable substitute for affection.

ExistenceOptional · 09/02/2023 18:54

MyopicBunny · 09/02/2023 18:52

Are there really 'popular crowds' at 7??

Yes there are

CocoC · 09/02/2023 18:55

For his birthday - let him invite the other kids. It doesn't matter that he wasn't invited to their party, he may not even know. And he will just be happy if they come... so make it a good enough party that they all want to attend it!

Northernsoullover · 09/02/2023 18:58

My son was like this. He didn't have a close friend at primary. At secondary school he found his very small tribe and never looked back. He's in upper sixth now and he only has a few friends but they are good friends and he is happy.

boredwithfoodprob · 09/02/2023 18:59

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that all three of my kids have made great friends through Beavers/Cubs/Scouts. My eldest who is quite shy has made one of his best friends through Cubs - they are almost 15 now and have been friends since the age of 7. They attend different schools but get on so well. Sometimes it's just to do with finding a kindred spirit who understands you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread