My Unpopular Child

[LunchBoxTeeth]

My 7 year old DS isn't exactly disliked by his peers, but he isn't particularly liked either. If ever the kids are asked to choose someone to be with, he is one of the last to be chosen. Even when we have friends round our house, when there is more than one child, the other children are constantly calling "hey x, look at this" or whatever, but they never call out to my DS to look at things or join in. It's not that they purposefully leave him out, they just always choose a different child as a first choice, when one is available.

He gets invited to whole class parties, but very rarely gets invited to other parties. Now that whole class parties are becoming less common because the kids are older, he simply doesn't get invited at all. I asked him who he wanted to invite to his party this year, and it was heartbreaking to hear him talk about the people he really liked, because I know that they have already had a party and DS wasn't invited.

I spoke to the class teacher about it and she said that I could try having more play dates, or doing more clubs. But we already do that. Every week he invites someone over, but increasingly they turn down the invitation. He does some clubs, but hasn't made any friendships through them. I watch him play and if I see him doing something that I think might not be helpful, I talk about it to him afterwards, but nothing that he does seems such a big deal that people don't really want to be around him.

Bossy/know it all is a hard one to navigate and children will recoil from it. My nephew is also super comparative but also very immature so everything is a competition and he has to win, will cry/strop if he doesn’t. Horrid

My godson is like this and really struggles with friendships. The saving grace has been Pokémon cards. He is Mensa level Pokémon knowledge about them and he loves to chat and swap with a couple of other kids who like them too.

Does he have an interest like that?

He needs to find something that will attract the attention of the other kids. A party trick. When I was at school one of the boys learnt guitar. He became popular, did a music degree, and actually made a career out of music. He still plays, in his sixties.

Some years ago my eldest child was this child, looking back a lot of it was his ‘ways’ and the fact that his middle brother was the complete opposite made his ‘ways’ stand out more.
I tried lots of things, I think it upset me more than him to be honest especially as I was friends with the parents of the children that ‘shunned’ him.

After one particular sad week I decided to take matters into my own hands and so much so the head teacher actually asked me what I’d done - now obviously this won’t work for everyone but, you could try and adapt it to suit yourself.
Id noticed that a lot of the popular boys were wearing the ‘astroturf’ football boots instead of school shoes and that ‘match’ game cards were the thing.
So on the Saturday I took him and his brother into town and bought them both the astroturf shoes and a healthy supply of match cards and a branded football and that seemed to spark off some friendships.

At 7 I think it's harder to "force" friendships via playdates as the kids are forming friendships themselves. It's not like when they were 3 or whatever and proximity was key. they've got their own minds and their own likes/dislikes. My child is same age and there's a girl in class who is in the same position. I think for her the problem is she's trying to be part of a solid group of 3 girls who are incredibly tight and have been since reception. She involves herself in little spats between the close group as (I think) a means to try to be part of the group. Her problem is the girls are so close she'll always be last choice. Agree with PPs re trying to identify kids who are similarly struggling finding a place. Trying to break into a tight circle will always lead to heartbreak.

I would also be wondering about neurodiversity. However, I have a child who I thought would thrive in a tiny one form entry school and in fact needed to be a in a much bigger school to find his rather 'niche' tribe.

I was rather similar but actually it never bothered me (as I didn't want to be friends with people I didn't really like that much!) and when I went to university actually made loads of friends who I still have now. I know and accept there are a smaller pool of people that I actually like and perhaps more importantly like me... so it is just a matter of finding them.

However, one thing that I think was very important is that my parents absolutely celebrated me for who I was. They weren't terribly impressed by who was popular etc. and certainly weren't worried about me. I think that helped give me the confidence to tread my own path.

My DS at 7, was, for different reasons, not invited to parties, no firm friends etc.

He is 10 now, and it feels that 'he has found his tribe', sometimes it takes time.

Supporting him with his hobby, which definitely, wouldn't have been mine or my DHs choice, has helped improved his happiness.

You could also speak to the school about your concerns, they might be able to give him some lego therapy or other emotional/social support.

I would also practice acceptance. He is your very much loved son and he will have these challenges.

I read a great book when my socially awkward kid started school: The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. It considers how kids may need different kinds of support socialising depending on their personalities, strengths and interpersonal styles. It's a bit cheesy/American in the way it labels behaviours eg "the mini adult", "the different drummer", "the shy child", but once you get past there are lots of helpful suggestions.

I would also add that her starting secondary school was brilliant. She attends a very average comp with a broad and diverse intake. But in a year group of 240 you have a far greater chance of finding your people than in a single form entry school with 30 in a class. She has her gang of lovely, quirky kids who are frequently found in my house when not hanging out at Games Workshop.

I am sorry, it's heartbreaking. We moved from London to the NE and my son had to leave his very good friends. He is now 29 and still talks about his loneliness here as a child. I used to have lots of his friends round for tea and had parties, but none of them were really his friends. I have a photo of them all huddled together on our garden swing, my son is standing alone :(

I hope your son finds a hobby that he is passionate about, and finds friends through that. My daughter found drama group, and her confidence and friendship group really expanded.

Well said.

With time, he will find his tribe.

I

Do you let him experience popular culture type stuff that allows him to join in with peers. The kids I see left out are the ones who’ve never seen Harry Potter or watched Enola Holmes or aren’t into what everyone else is in to, be that Pokémon or whatever. I think kids need social currency like adults otherwise others find them a bit meh…..

It’s so hard. Do you know why he does the showing off stuff? Is it linked to insecurity or just his personality? I guess I’m asking if you think his behaviour can be modified as I think it’ll be a big part of his problem.
My DD is the opposite- quite self deprecating and happy for others to take the lead but if I’ve had a child over to play who’s constantly showing off and taking over I do make a mental note to discourage the friendship and support friendships where it feels more balanced and fun for my DD.

My DD is very popular and I do think easy going kids have an easier time of it with friendships. Maybe talk to him about what he values in a friend, how he feels when others show off and take over to help him understand that these behaviours aren’t very conducive to friendships/inclusivity as they’re all about just one person. It’s a fine balance though as you don’t want to totally trash his personality and always make a point of highlighting his lovely attributes (of which I’m sure there are loads).

As others have said, having cool/sought after gear is helpful too. 7 year olds can be very shallow 🤣

Can you get him involved in a team sport. I have four children, teenagers now and found that these were the friendships that became most meaningful and stuck. Eldest DC had lots of friends at both dance and school. My youngest DC and DS now 16 and 17 have been with their local football teams since age 7. Neither have any close school friends that they see out of school and choose to spend all their free time and weekends with teammates - who attend different schools. Both have very tight friendship groups and are very happy with this. I think the trick was finding common interest and sense of belonging. My other DC has sadly struggled with friendships all through childhood and teen years. It is very hard as a mum to see them struggling with this. While she had other interests she wasn’t interested in team sports and so didn’t benefit in the same way as others. In hindsight, it’s something I would’ve tried to push harder for her seeing the benefits with my other children.

Re the football suggestion OP, it isn't necessarily that lots of kids are playing football (or whatever sport) at lunchtime, but that if your child is involved in playing footy he will gain confidence, social skills and a popular topic/skill to talk about with the other kids. Maybe there are footy games at school that he can then join in on too, but it's not as literal as there being football at school he can do; more about what being involved in a team sport, in and/or out of school, will give him.

Is he an only child, OP?

I can always identify adults who were onlies, the only exceptions being the ones who went to boarding school. Boarding may take some adjustment for an only child but ultimately they gain social skills that prepare them for life.

you can't fix this, but you can work on home being a safe place where the people are always there for him and he comes first.
Somewhere where people think he is really really cool.

There is a great book about the unwritten rules of friendship let me know if you can't find it. it's for adolescents but read it now. he sounds like a "neglected" peer (rather than one who actively antagonises).

My son is coming out the other side at 17. We had some years with great friends but not many. He's unscathed (largely)

Holiday clubs can be good for making friends and confidence eg if he likes football a weeks training could bring him on and make him in demand when he’s back at school as they want good players on their team.

Bright bossy and struggling socially ...to me that really suggests possible autism

My 8 year old is autistic and i mnow she just doesn't quite get the social cues others get

Can you? How?

@Konfetka shut up with your incorrect stereotyping. Study after study has shown that onlies are not any more likely to be less social or lonely than those with siblings. And you can’t ‘tell adults that are onlies.’

and your solution is…boarding school. Perfect

I am an only and great socially, always found it easy to make friends, always have. My ‘only’ son is the same. He makes a friend going to the bloody supermarket.

Look up "boarding school syndrome". I totally believe that some people will have had positive experiences of boarding, but it's not a straightforward thing psychologically and I can always tell who has been to boarding school. A lot of deeply yet not very well hidden insecurity and a constant need to brush over problems and insist everything's fine. It's weird.

Sorry this is ridiculous and plays into the 'lonely only' stereotype. I have a couple of good friends who are only children and they are no different from anyone else I know. My eldest was an only until he was 6 and never had any problems with friendships. I cant believe you are suggesting all only children should be shipped off to boarding school. Hands down one of the most bonkers things I've ever read on mumsnet!

Me too, and I'm autistic myself. It's not always the stereotypical presentation, even with boys.

Can you volunteer at beavers or on a trip and see how he is with peers.
My only is great socially fwiw!

I wonder what you'd make of my DD. She's an only AND she's autistic. Has never ever had any problems making or keeping friends.

the ladies doth protest