To feel this isn't DD's fault

[bluefrontdoorr]

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

But you are also saying that everyone else is wrong because that's not what your children wanted.

it's not about your children.

I've just read your post and have a horrible sinking feeling that my ex has done the same thing and booked a holiday for over GCSE results day...
He has definitely booked a holiday, and booked it without checking dates with me first, but it didn't even occur to me when he told me that it might be over results day. Could be having an awkward conversation with both the teen and the ex later.

No, it's not. But it seems to have caused an interesting conversation at least!

It's not "The private school approach" !

It’s gotta hurt when you shell out thousands and your child would have actually been happier at the local comp! A friend of mine is the same her kids are private she can’t deal with hearing about positive state school stuff steam comes out of her ears!

It doesn't!

Young people are more than capable of meeting up on Results Day, even if they don't go to school to collect their results. One of my DC was staying with several friends on Results Day (during lockdown) and I am glad I was not there to witness whatever it was they got up to, though they enjoyed it.

I have never understood the going into school to collect your results set up. It wasn’t the done thing in any school near us, you got them posted (now I think they text or email). I was nervous enough opening that envelope, never mind doing it in front of everyone - the thought of that makes me shudder. And then those that do it on TV, absolutely no chance lol!

I was even on a family holiday when my final university degree results came in - I just got them when I was home

So I don’t really think it’s a big deal to not be there in person but if that’s the norm or you have to be there to sign up for A levels then fair enough and her dad should have known this if he is a decent parent so for that the OP is not being unreasonable

@BoardingSchoolMater for @Tirednest's children it has concluded horribly though. Private education is supposed to enhance your children's lives, which it appears it has done with yours

Not really. It's basically just you trying to insist you're right and the OP's DD and others are wrong.

Some colleges around here start enrollment the day of/day after GCSE results.
OP's DD may also want to speak to her own teachers/school about her results, especially if they affect their post-16 choices/subjects.

Definitely not the DD's fault - her dad should have checked.

It really isn't, but I accept that this is mumsnet and people love to have a pop.

For those talking about schools, I actually went to private school myself (my DD doesn't) and I can still remember meeting up with my friends on results day and going in to collect them. That's nearly 25 years ago and it's still as clear as day! I don't want DD to miss that experience if she wants it.

Is he incapable of having a simple discussion with your DD before booking a holiday? What a knob.

Or is he just looking for a fight?

Same here, we all went in to collect and open. It meant a lot as after GCSEs many would go off elsewhere, so it was a rare chance to say goodbyes as well.

The child has worked for the exam so it’s up to them to decide what works.

My daughter was happy to be on holiday and have her GCSE results emailed to her. It worked well. She was clear that for A Levels she wanted to be back in the country so we worked the dates round her.

The child who has studied hard needs to be part of the planning and heard. He is an idiot for not doing this. It is disrespectful to her.

I don't think either approach (going to collect them vs having them e-mailed) is miserable or over the top - it's just the social culture of that particular school.

If all of her friends are going to collect results together, of course she wants to join them. If it was a school where students didn't do this, then she'd be happy to be e-mailed.

OP's DD is autistic. She will have planned this out in her head and it will be particularly important to her not to have that scenario turned upside-down without any consultation. Depending on how much her plans and routines mean to her it could actually panic her.

Her dad is a selfish idiot at best - a controlling and bullying one at worst.

Let him be the one to negotiate with her. OP should not be coerced into pressurising her DD to go away if she doesn't want to. If necessary let him change both their flights and go out a day later.

Well, it's a shame for any child to end a particular stage of their education on a damp note. Lockdown was a very crap way for two of mine to end Y11 and Y13. But, yes, overall my DC's education has enhanced their lives massively, and I'd hate for people to think that independent school necessarily = sad and lonely young people sitting at their computers and communicating only via social media (because that's exactly what some people will pounce on if they read this thread!)

All schools and all children are different, and the main thing that we all really want is for them to feel happy and settled and have some nice friends. But this is now very off topic - and the main thing is that the OP knows her daughter, has asked her what she wants, and is supporting her to ensure that she's not forced into doing something she doesn't want to do.

Why don't they communicate directly @bluefrontdoorr ?

Good old social media. Even ‘how you get your GCSE results’ becomes a competition!

@BloggersBlog They do. With DD being autistic sometimes she finds it hard to talk about some things or process certain feelings. Her Dad has been texting her about the holiday and she has now stopped replying which is why he's text me.

Can't you understand ( to use your own words) that things might be different for other people?

The OP's daughter has worked hard for her results, depending on the set up, this might be the last time she sees her school/teachers/some classmates and she wants to be there. This is the most important point. He daughter wants to be with her friends and she is old enough to decide.

There is continuous discussion on ensuring girls don't get pushed into decisions that go against their choices, but being pushed by a father (who didn't bother to check) is ok? No, not in my book.

concluded horribly 😅😅😅

Classic mumsnet.

Did he not consult her before booking the holiday? You’d have thought he’d at least talk about destinations, hotels vs self catering, and the DATES. Not involving your 16 year old in holiday planning seems weird to me.
And he shouldn’t guilt trip her into going. If Europe maybe she can get a separate flight the following day?

He’s going to try and bully her into doing what he wants the git, he should change the dates and suck up any cost incurred due to him not checking the dates.

If you think your children chatting with their friends on social media rather than actually spending time together to celebrate the end of their journey together isn't a horrible conclusion, that's pretty sad.