To feel this isn't DD's fault

[bluefrontdoorr]

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

For those who have suggested she fly out a day later, that wouldn't be an option. DD16 is autistic and there is absolutely no way she'd be able to cope with an airport or a flight by herself unfortunately.

Support your DD, show her it's ok to say what you want and that you'll support her in that. Trying to convince her to go let alone make her go (not suggesting you're going to do these) sends exactly the wrong message to her. It's not her mistake, it's not her fault and neither she or you need to fix this. If she wants she could suggest flying out the day after to meet him, but as the one that messed up her father should be the one putting in the leg work to fix this. I would be making it clear to her it wasn't ok for him to book without even asking. At 16 she needs to know it's not ok so she doesn't let her boundaries get trampled over in future or current relationship.

Well, this is how they do it at every private school I know at least - noone goes in. I know if you are on holiday the state school will email your results as well. It may not be the majority, but its pretty normal.

I cant believe that he went ahead and booked without even talking to your DD, regardless of her exam results she could have had plans for any number of things. Bloody fool. Obviously this is all on his stupidity.

Switch her flight to 25th. She's 16, she can handle an airport and they could even book help so she gets on the right flight etc.
Your DD is within her rights to do what she wants. I would want to do what she says too. It's a right of passing, lol!
Your ex needs to check first and talk to her himself. You're not a go-between.

YANBU, very much so and if he’s showing temper and hitting the roof and trying to “make” DD go with him, then I would not let him talk to her as he will most likely emotionally blackmail and verbally abuse her until she agrees to go.

It’s her decision and you need to act as a buffer between her and her Dad especially as you’ve said he only sees her 4 days a year! He doesn’t get to have it always be on his terms.

Besides, your DD will have to confirm her sixth form place and do course finalisation on results day as well as get her results. She really can’t have them posted to her holiday resort…that’s a batshit stupid idea. If she does spectacular, she may even be able to get into a more selective sixth form as they have their own clearing process after results day.

This isn’t just her friends vs her dad, this is an important day for her to sort her academic future. He’s a complete idiot, he knew she was taking her GCSEs, the results day is the SAME DAY for all schools, he could have fucking looked it up. It’s not your fault for not telling him nor are you the only source of when is results day.

Well, that's not how they do it at the private schools my DC attend/ed

All three went in, even those for whom a level results were emailed as well.

but if every private school you know has no one go in I must be mistaken 😂

Private schools with international students (going by your spread all over the world comment) is hardly comparable to the vast majority of teens going to local schools, who generally go in to collect results.

Your kids are definitely in the minority of teens.

It’s his problem to sort not you or your DD. She has something important to her that she doesn’t want to miss so he needs to find a solution. Either he accepts she’s not going, changes the date of his holiday or books an extra flight for him and her for the 25th.

I'm sure they are all different, as I keep saying!

Is it somewhere she could get a cheap one way flight the next day? She could have her results day with her friends and most of the holiday with dad. Obviously would help if its somewhere she could get a cheap (not really cheap in August but cheaper) flight with Ryanair or another cheap carrier.

Yes - let him talk to her - why should you be the one to "make" her go when she doesn't want to?

As you say - he should have checked dates with you both before booking anything.

No private school I know does it like that, so your experience isn't definitive.
All schools offer the option of emailed results instead. The vast majority of kids opt to go in in person (even private school kids, don't know why you're hung up on these kids being special and different).

Yes, as I said.

I have an ex that books things without checking dates too, despite asking him too many times. The last time the DC refused to go as they already had plans, as they are entitled to do if someone can't be arsed to check with them first.

Don't let him guilt trip her either, my ex tried and it's not fair. It's his mistake / lack of knowledge as to what else might be going on in her life and it's on him completely.

Given your update I'd be handling it a bit differently to what I said. Still making it clear to DD this isn't her fault and she doesn't have to go when she wasn't consulted, but I'd be telling her Dad directly he either moves the dates or she's not going and that I wouldn't be pushing her to go.

Don't be silly.

Why should she fly out alone the next day?

FFS!

All he had to do was check dates with her!

OP's DD is autistic and wouldn't manage the flight on her own.
And anyway, Ryanair would probably change her flight to October and double the price at the last minute!

Explain, please?

TBF, since covid, the results are usually emailed and posted online on that sixth form Choices/UCASesque website they use for sixth form applications and then you can go in and collect the paper certificates or have them posted to you.

At least that’s how it’s been for my 2 DC that went through GCSEs during/since Covid and they went to local village State school. But that day you need to be ready to call round to sixth forms if you do significantly better or worse than predicted as you could lose your place or gain a place in a different sixth form.

Can't she fly out a day or 2 later ? She's old enough to go on her own isn't she ?

Wow. What a dick. Was he somehow unaware that she has GCSEs this year? Was he physically incapable of googling results day?

If course she needs to get the results with her friends, that’s end of an era stuff and non-negotiable.

He’s trying to make this your problem, it’s not. Say that DD isn’t available then, as he would have known if he’d either checked dates with Dd or googled GCSE results day. Say it isn’t your fault he’s so disorganised and disrespectful and that DD won’t be there.

Booking a holiday for someone without first checking dates is insane and incredibly controlling and rude.

If he’s this much of an asshole doesn’t sound like she’s missing much.

If he comes back and says “I’ve changed the holiday date so she’s back on 23rd” make sure you see a copy of the booking, he sounds controlling and asshole enough to lie about it and just tell her when she’s on holiday that she’s missing results day. Watch out for him trying to do that.

Sorry missed the post about why she couldn't.

Read OP's posts. DD is autistic and can't fly alone.