To feel this isn't DD's fault

[bluefrontdoorr]

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

Do you think the same about any teen who gets their results while on holiday?

He needs to start respecting her as a young woman. She isn't going to be as available and both of you will no longer be her first choice of company. That will get less. My youngest (25) is autistic and it was great that she had friends to drop me for. His relationship is changing with her and he's got to accept that.

I would judge any parent who would book a holiday over results day without thinking about their teens wants.

Mine were at private school. They got their results at 8am & then went in later to collect in person & celebrate or commiserate with their friends. That was important to them.

Btw that was at 3 different schools & all the same way.

Not if they've been involved in making that choice themselves @Tirednest - but if they're on holiday and still on social media that'd be sad too.

she has now stopped replying which is why he's text me

Ah that puts a slightly different spin on it.

She is 16 and is going to need to be able to communicate with adults. If she can't communicate with her own father and say, 'Thanks Dad but I want to pick up my results' then I think she might need quite a lot of help in the future.

Answering for her all the time a) Puts you in the firing line and b) May be stilting her communication skills and independence.

Has she had professional counselling about her autism and how to communicate with people? She can't rely on you to sort things out forever. If she has just stopped communicating full stop without explaining, then I can sort of understand his frustration.

And perhaps you can imagine a world where teens meet up for a party or other celebration, just not on results day. One of my dds was actually in hospital on results day a few years ago. She had a party with her mates when she finally got out. Going in is not the be all and end all.

My original post was to say that if mine had the choice between going on holiday and going into school to get results, they'd take the holiday. And I also said that all are different.

He should have checked but he obviously didn't see it would be a big deal. however now that it is she and he have a few choices.

1. She misses the holiday completely and goes and picks her results up with her friends and celebrates that afternoon (hopefully)
2. She goes on the holiday and sees her results by email and arranges a celebration with her friends when she gets back.
3. He changes the flights to the next day and they go then.
4. If she really won't fly on her own and he won't change his flights, he pays for you and her to fly out together, you drop her off and fly back. Obviously this depends how far away the holiday is.

For what its worth we had a holiday which overlapped the results day and mine just accepted that was unfortunate, came on the holiday and celebrated with friends on her return. They had all planned a big 'collect' together and as it turned out only 2 of them went to collect on that day anyway by the time it came around, all due to family commitments and such.
So maybe also set her expectations that it may in fact not be all her friends going anyway. Most familys I know wouldn't put the 10 minutes of physically collecting their gcse results above a family holiday if thats the only time they could go on holiday. Especially as all results are emailed now.
She could facetime her mates from the beach once results all in?

Well no teen I know would even agree to go on holiday with mum and miss results day. He needs to get with the program - she’s 16 not 6. How rude and high handed not to have checked the date with her before booking. No sympathy for him whatsoever.

@Ponoka7 I think that's definitely part of it for me. With DD being autistic I'm so proud of her that she is in course for getting 7s in her GCSE's and over the moon she has a lovely group of friends that she wants to celebrate with (I'm not saying that applies to all autistic children by the way, everyone is different!).

As her Dad has only ever seen her 4 days a month he hasn't had to cope with / adapt / support DD the way I have. You wouldn't necessarily know she is autistic unless you spent a great deal of time with her, she masks very well.

Most familys I know wouldn't put the 10 minutes of physically collecting their gcse results above a family holiday if thats the only time they could go on holiday. Especially as all results are emailed now.

Well, quite.

Actually my parents were teachers and we always had to be back from our hols by results day thinking about it so dad could be on hand so not sure it’s a new thing I’m nearly 50!

He has booked the holiday without consulting with anybody. Wally 🙄

My son got his last August and they weren't e mailed at all. He had a really good day meeting his mates, going to school, collecting their results and then spending the day together celebrating. They went for some food and stuff, and the school got in some funny props, a balloon arch, and some big number balloons for over 7 so they could take photos with their results papers and their friends. It was a big deal and he wouldn't have missed it.

Your daughter is 16, she's old enough to decide what she wants to do. Maybe she could join them the next day?

Autism is a social communication disorder.

You can't counsel the autism out of an autistic person, no matter how much society wishes you could.

Irrelevant - it’s important to this particular teen and making her miss out and ruin her own existing plans is very unfair and gives the message her that her own plans don’t matter. Plus it would be a pyrrhic victory he would have a sulky teen on his hands sure to torpedo any holiday !

Surely the collecting results is not the same as the celebrating bit anyway?

Both my DC did go to school to get results, but they did their celebrating later in the day with food and alcohol There is a limit to how much celebrating you want to do in a school hall at 9am.

This.
Who does that?

'I'm booking a holiday flying out 24 August'
'Thats results day'

Conversation ensues, ending in hopefully a compromise, or at worst nobody booking £££ holiday that's going to cause tension.

as a possible option, the your daughter can give permission to the school for her results to be issued to you, and you can then contact her.

She can still be the first person to see them. We arranged this, as we were away. The results were issued to a friend, who opened them, laid them on the table without reading them, snapped them and whatsapped them to my son.

He then spent much of the day online celebrating with friends

It was the best we could do, and I am not going to lie, he missed out on the group opening, but them he did get that at A level later, and now values the travel greatly ov er the receiving results event.

Of course, receiving results is not always great, and you are not always with who you want to be in school when you do it, as it is spread over several hours. There are disappointments, and tears, and the need for guidance. WE had arranged that if my son didn't have what he needed, he would be emailing the school straight away for a discussion

Lets be clear about this - these results happen in person now because it is cheaper to compel staff back onto the school premises for a hand out than it is to post the results, as used to be done

He should have checked the dates!!

The school will email them directly to the dd, so none of this stuff is necessary.
The dd STILL wants to collect in person.

he may just have to book flights the next day and go a day later, his fault for not checking dates were suitable before booking.

He should have checked. We got back a day early so my son could get his results with his friends.

Well, they don't stay in the school hall all day, clearly

Tell him he can change the booking, pay the amendment fee, and consider it a tax on stupidity.