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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this isn't DD's fault

377 replies

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 10/02/2023 17:16

He wouldn't book a holiday for another adult without checking their availability so he should have shown your DD that respect.
I hope she doesn't feel too pressured this weekend.

Sage71 · 10/02/2023 17:47

YANBU aside from the fact that she is 16, this is a big deal for her and he has not consulted anyone what does DD intend to do after GCSE? Many 6th forms require a minimum number of points from the GCSE’s to secure your space in 6th form. If she is looking to move to a different 6th form or college she may have to attend with her results to confirm her place for A-levels, apprenticeship or BTEC depending on what she is planning. Is XH really that far removed from his daughter’s education and next steps?

threatmatrix · 10/02/2023 17:53

I’m all for children having to fit in with adults plans, but in this instance no, it’s very important at her age to get her results with all her friends it could be very upsetting and something she will resent him for if she is made to go. Teenagers are very fragile. I missed out on this and I’m 57 and it still hurts me to think about it.

FictionalCharacter · 10/02/2023 17:56

How can he not know that the results come out late August, when it’s on the news every single year?!
He’s messed up, he knows it, he’s blaming everyone else but himself.

hiyaKen · 10/02/2023 17:57

I wouldn't give it too much headspace: it's not your problem

Can you collect the results and facetime her with results?

It's just one day. But if she's happy to miss a holiday, that's up to her

Let her work it out with her dad

Sage71 · 10/02/2023 18:02

It is usually always Thursday in August and results are always a week apart but last year A levels were 3rd Thursday and GCSE’s following week 2021 was different as no exams were sat and so predictions went in earlier than if they had been sitting papers results came out slightly earlier to allow for appeals but that was very different circumstances

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/02/2023 18:18

YANBU - Results day is great fun and a real end of an era celebration.
mia your DD too scared to tell him herself that she doesn’t want to go? In which case BOTH of those issues need to be addressed. YANBU.

magicthree · 10/02/2023 18:22

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 08:57

Mine would have far rather gone on holiday tbh, but you know your dd best.

I would far rather have gone on holiday when I was 16!

SaponificationQueen · 10/02/2023 19:06

She’s 16 yo. She should be able to choose to go on holiday, or not. She’s already stated she’d rather stay home and pick up her results. It seems that your ex doesn’t pay much attention to what’s going on in her life. Let him hit the roof. It’s his mistake booking a holiday trip without checking with her first.

Original poster
bluefrontdoorr · 10/02/2023 19:08

@Sage71 He's had no involvement in parents evenings, homework, coursework, helping her revise, choosing a levels or applying for sixth form!

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 10/02/2023 19:14

Op can you prep your daughter with some lines on how she can maintain her no under pressure? Eg some sentences she can say if her dad tries to pressure her?

JussathoB · 10/02/2023 19:29

Weallgottachangesometime · 10/02/2023 19:14

Op can you prep your daughter with some lines on how she can maintain her no under pressure? Eg some sentences she can say if her dad tries to pressure her?

This is such a good idea

IAteTheLastOne · 10/02/2023 19:42

SoupDragon · 09/02/2023 08:59

It is very clear in the first post that the OP's DD wants to collect them in person with her friends. What your children wanted is irrelevant.

Show quote history

sniggered too loud at this

SiennaT · 10/02/2023 20:15

Please don’t make her go. This happens once in her life and will be a core memory for her. Your ex is a nob!

Mylittlepea · 10/02/2023 21:05

What a twat! It never ceases to amaze me how men are generally so clueless about important dates & milestones. Why even book a holiday without even checking dates with you & DD first?

I went with my DD last August to collect her results and she saw her friends too. It was pretty memorable and she wouldn’t have missed it for the world (nor me!)

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2023 21:05

I think you should give DD the option of not going to see her dad this weekend or if she does choose to go be sure that she knows it's OK to leave if things get too uncomfortable for her. And be sure she's able to either get home on her own steam or that you can go pick her up.

And if she comes back saying she'll go because he's bullied/guilted her, be sure she understands that she's entitled to change her mind.

ASimpleLampoon · 10/02/2023 21:40

But OP is not his PA. He could have checked with the school.

amispeakingintongues · 10/02/2023 21:43

He’s stupid for not checking with her she’s 16 and doing her gcse’s. You shouldn’t get involved, its his mess.

Highover · 10/02/2023 21:44

since Covid more schools are emailing results . My son’s state school sent them to us last year. The only people allowed in school were those who hadn’t qualified for 6th form and needed support. So the whole results day experience was very different to how people may remember it.

sumayyah · 10/02/2023 21:54

Yanbu
Having the results posted and waiting till after holiday impacts more than he thinks.

If your daughter has a conditional college place then once you get the results there's still a lot to do
With my daughter I had to fill in online acceptance forms, email them copies of her results, set the date to enrol in college in person all before the beginning of September
I also had to inform child benefit and tax credits that she would be continuing in education and send them copies of her enrollment, I had until beginning of September to get that done too, it was a stressful time without dealing with my daughter's celebrations and managing expectations too

bonjovifan35 · 10/02/2023 21:59

Your DD will need to enroll in her sixth form choice in results day. That is procedure and had been for many years. If she is not available to pick up her results in person and then go to her sixth form provider of choice (even if saying in same school) she may miss out on her sixth form place. For that reason she needs to be in uk

Toddlingturtle · 10/02/2023 22:10

bonjovifan35 · 10/02/2023 21:59

Your DD will need to enroll in her sixth form choice in results day. That is procedure and had been for many years. If she is not available to pick up her results in person and then go to her sixth form provider of choice (even if saying in same school) she may miss out on her sixth form place. For that reason she needs to be in uk

Well you can’t state that as a fact for all schools. If they meet the grades they just turn up for school on the first day of term for 6th form. Even my child who moved to another school for 6th form didn’t have to do anything. I had done the forms before the summer and just had to email them the confirmation she was coming, I could have done it from anywhere in the world

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2023 22:40

bonjovifan35 · 10/02/2023 21:59

Your DD will need to enroll in her sixth form choice in results day. That is procedure and had been for many years. If she is not available to pick up her results in person and then go to her sixth form provider of choice (even if saying in same school) she may miss out on her sixth form place. For that reason she needs to be in uk

Not case everywhere. DDs school sixth form enrolment was all online last August. The building wasn’t even open, no in person option. It was fill in application online in advance. Then just confirm online you still wanted place on results day. Same school so already had the gcse results. She did it from abroad.
The local college was in person enrolment not sure if they had an online option too.

pointythings · 10/02/2023 22:41

@bonjovifan35 our local 6th form enrollment day for students moving up from the secondary was 2 days before the start of term so theoretically a holiday would have been possible. That isn't the point though - the issue is that a decent, considerate father would have checked for the date of GCSE results day loooooong before booking anything. I checked with my DC for a level results day to ensure they were OK with being away.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/02/2023 01:23

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 10:07

@Ponoka7 I think that's definitely part of it for me. With DD being autistic I'm so proud of her that she is in course for getting 7s in her GCSE's and over the moon she has a lovely group of friends that she wants to celebrate with (I'm not saying that applies to all autistic children by the way, everyone is different!).

As her Dad has only ever seen her 4 days a month he hasn't had to cope with / adapt / support DD the way I have. You wouldn't necessarily know she is autistic unless you spent a great deal of time with her, she masks very well.

Stbxh lives under the same roof and still has no idea how much scaffolding it takes to get DD through the day, he has however had them on his own for a few days, though MIL does a lot of the grunt work. They always come back exhausted and unregulated, stbxh thinks they're coping fine if they 'behaved', he has no idea about masking and how they're really doing inside and how much support it takes to keep it all going. Would she be ok with him for that long in a strange place?

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