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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this isn't DD's fault

377 replies

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

OP posts:
Eeveesfriend · 10/02/2023 08:13

Hi, personal experience here, I was forced to go on a family holiday so missed out on picking up my results. (I probably didn't realise complexity around having time off work for both parents etc) . Even so I was made to phone for my results on speaker in front of the whole family, when I made it very clear I wanted to get them on my own. Missed out on celebrating with my friends. Still actually very annoyed about the whole thing as it's an important milestone. The school never sent me my certificates either, so all I have is a letter of confirmation from the education board. Let her make the decision but don't let her Dad bully her into going. She doesn't get to do this again, but there are other holidays.

TheaBrandt · 10/02/2023 08:15

Holidays are annual if not more frequent for some big results day two maybe three times a lifetime

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 10/02/2023 08:19

Well best of luck to him getting her to go if she doesn't want to. She's 16.
However in this case he's being a idiot. I tenner my gcse results day and 43. It was a big deal then and it still is now, dd1 had hers last year and had a great day with her friends. Of course she shouldn't miss that if it's in any way avoidable.
Can she fly out the day after perhaps?

Debred78 · 10/02/2023 08:19

Absolutely. Someone comes on to ask a question about a third party’s reaction to their child. Someone comes on and passively aggressively belittles the wishes of the child. ‘Oh my child would much rather do…..’ It isn’t necessary and it isn’t helpful and it’s only the narcissist in you that feels you’ve made this thread interesting. Although obviously bitchy remarks about teenage girls were a high point.

cherish123 · 10/02/2023 08:39

He needs to sort it out. Can he not change it to 25th?

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/02/2023 08:43

Can't force her but you'll probably find a lot of the friends da she is making these plans with will be away anyway. Its sods law shw will have these big plans and it won't pan out meaning she will miss out on both the holiday with her dad and the day out with all her friends.

BellePeppa · 10/02/2023 08:45

Her GCSE day with her friends will be one she’ll remember and probably treasure. I wouldn’t want to deprive her of that.

Johnnysgirl · 10/02/2023 08:46

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/02/2023 08:43

Can't force her but you'll probably find a lot of the friends da she is making these plans with will be away anyway. Its sods law shw will have these big plans and it won't pan out meaning she will miss out on both the holiday with her dad and the day out with all her friends.

Possible, but unlikely.

TheaBrandt · 10/02/2023 08:46

Unlikely their parents as dopey as the ex. In my friendship group results were last year everyone booked holidays around them. It’s very late in the summer they break up in July so plenty of time to go away

Lemonyfuckit · 10/02/2023 08:48

Overthebloodymoon · 09/02/2023 08:54

What kind of father doesn’t know something as key as this?! He can change the date if he wants her to go. What an idiot. God, I’d be so disappointed in his lack of awareness and stupidity. Shows how little he knows her and what’s going on in her life.

This. And also, why do YOU need to 'make' her, why can't HE discuss it with her? But agree she shouldn't be 'made' to go, he should have checked the dates, and if he wants her to go he can move it. Results day is important, of course she wants to get her results with her mates, if they were posted she wouldn't get them at the same time so would be itching to know all through the holiday, and at 16 I think she's old enough that she should have been consulted in this. She could always just fly out a day later, again at 16 is old enough.

Lemonyfuckit · 10/02/2023 08:50

Ok read your later posts.
Surely he can just change the dates by one day. And if there's a cost that's his penalty for not checking the dates first, that was stupid and thoughtless of him.

faffadoodledo · 10/02/2023 08:50

It's a lovely thing to do with friends - end of an era in some cases, if the pupils are all going onto different sixth form destinations. He definitely should have checked.
Both my children went in for results. Some parents went too (but hung waaaay back). Then children went off to celebrate in (mostly) age appropriate ways.
He's made a bad call by booking without checking, and adding stress to what should be a lovely event for your DD

Dragonsandcats · 10/02/2023 09:01

SnarkyBag · 09/02/2023 09:01

This is a great opportunity to teach your DD that she doesn’t have to put her wants and needs second to someone who can’t be bothered to communicate with her and check that she’s ok with plans before charging ahead!

tell the ex to knob off!

I agree, it is fair enough for your dd to put herself first.

Choconut · 10/02/2023 09:03

It's normally quite easy to change flight details if he's flying with easyjet for example, could he just change the flights for the next day?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/02/2023 09:21

Choconut · 10/02/2023 09:03

It's normally quite easy to change flight details if he's flying with easyjet for example, could he just change the flights for the next day?

Changing to the next day will not help ops dd if she needs to be applying for 6th form.

rookiemere · 10/02/2023 09:45

Choconut · 10/02/2023 09:03

It's normally quite easy to change flight details if he's flying with easyjet for example, could he just change the flights for the next day?

Easyjet charges £45 admin fee per flight, plus whatever difference there is in cost now. Jet2 charges £60 per person to change dates again plus difference in cost.

It may not be practical or within budget to change holiday dates, so all the more reason to have checked they suited DD before booking.

LightHousePanda · 10/02/2023 09:47

Who books holidays for people without checking the dates first? It doesn't take long to do. So weird. Definitely his fault.

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/02/2023 09:50

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2023 09:05

Which is fine, but I got my results in 1998 and I can still remember results day. Admittedly it Inc a cry in the changing room over my Graphics result but then we all went to Sarah's house for a drink celebration until Kate got too drunk and my Dad had to be called to take her home then we all came back to the party and had a sleepover. That's akin to what the daughter wants, not a quick check online, a quick what did you get from Dad and then great, let's go swimming and it's all over. It's a culmination of two years hard work

Show quote history

Indeed! Got my O level results in 1974 and A levels in 1976 - like the poster I've quoted, I have such vivid memories of both days that I couldn't have done other than go to school and get them for myself.

chocorabbit · 10/02/2023 09:53

I haven't RTHT so apologies if somebody has already mentioned it but will she be going to 6th Form? On results day although DS got his e-mailed by the school, many children were on the phone arranging A-Level subjects. One of DS's A-Levels hadn't been recorded for some reason and I had to "fight" with the school to put him on the waiting list for it. We only found out when I made DS talk to the school to verify his choices had been accepted.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 10/02/2023 10:06

If by his age he doesn't know that before you book a costly trip you check the dates with everyone involved then that really is his problem.

If he's generally a bit of a knobhead and doesn't realise that results day is a big deal I'd also argue he's not the right person for her to be with on results day. If she gets a disappointing result she will need the support of her teachers and her responsible parent.

Weallgottachangesometime · 10/02/2023 10:12

I wouldn’t make this anymore complicated than it needs to be. I’d simply text something along the lines of….

”DD and I have spoken and she has decided she would like to collect her GCSE results on results day with her friends. This means she won’t be able to fly out on holiday on that date with you. I understand you may be upset by this. I would suggest, especially now that DD is getting older, it would be sensible to check dates with DD prior to booking expensive holidays and activities.”

Then I would take the repeat or ignore route-
“I have told you she will be collecting her GCSEs on that date. I won’t be replying to any further texts about this topic, unless you propose an alternative plan than still enables her to collect her GCSE results”.

CelestiaNoctis · 10/02/2023 10:25

Loooooool this is hilarious. She's 16 not a little child, he definitely needs to be asking her and letting her know before booking anything. She has her own life and calendar she needs to check, he can't just presume she's free without asking. If he really wants her to go he'll have to change the dates, what a joker. Obviously it's nice they're going on holiday together but she's her own person now!

CelestiaNoctis · 10/02/2023 10:27

I'm laughing extra hard that he didn't even ask YOU either. The true audacity of a part time father, I swear. Just ask, mate, make sure before shooting yourself in the foot so you have something to complain about 🙄🙄

LlynTegid · 10/02/2023 10:32

Your DDs dad has had 16 years warning of GCSEs, should have checked. If you not with you, asked your DD.

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2023 10:36

He said I need to make DD16

I can understand why he is an ex partner, facing people to force others against their will is unpleasant.