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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this isn't DD's fault

377 replies

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

OP posts:
PollyPut · 09/02/2023 21:20

Surely he can move it if he gets on and does it soon?

Harry12345 · 09/02/2023 23:58

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 10:01

If you think your children chatting with their friends on social media rather than actually spending time together to celebrate the end of their journey together isn't a horrible conclusion, that's pretty sad.

Show quote history

Jesus this is so dramatic, schools in Scotland post then or email them. Most kids are on holiday in august or open them with family and meet friends later. The point is OPs daughter wants to be there but it’s not miserable if you don’t.

SweetSakura · 10/02/2023 06:33

Yanbu and I loved the results day spent with friends, in fact I we spent all that day together and camped over night chatting till the early hours and then hung out all the next day too!

I do think it's worth seeing if she could join on a later flight. I have an autistic teen too so appreciate the challenges (and the joy of them having a group of friends after difficult primary years). But if someone took her to check in and someone met her at the other end it might work? And is a good life skill? A way of building u

SweetSakura · 10/02/2023 06:33

Building up to independent travel

IWonderWhyIBother · 10/02/2023 06:37

Overthebloodymoon · 09/02/2023 08:54

What kind of father doesn’t know something as key as this?! He can change the date if he wants her to go. What an idiot. God, I’d be so disappointed in his lack of awareness and stupidity. Shows how little he knows her and what’s going on in her life.

Quite a few I imagine. If they do know, in a lot of instances it’s because the mother of the child has told them. Have you not seen the numerous posts on here about forgotten birthdays despite being together for years and yet you think they’d remember/know results day.

Zanatdy · 10/02/2023 06:38

He should have checked. I would be with your DD on this one. He either pays for her to fly out later the same day, changes the holiday or accepts she can’t come. Anyone with a child doing exams should be thinking straight away what date are the results. Having kids around GCSE and A level years we have had to have our annual holiday earlier for a good few years now

ProtestantsHateAbba · 10/02/2023 06:45

She's 16, not a little girl, he should have checked the dates with her. This is his problem and he, not you, needs to have a conversation with her about it.

LimeCheesecake · 10/02/2023 06:58

@maddy68 - does your school not have people in to help support the students who don’t get their needed grades?

the year I was working in an admin role on the results day, we had the careers lead in with details of what all the local colleges and schools courses and grade requirements, had the 6th form team in registering kids from other schools, doing tours for those who had planned to stay on at their schools but now couldn’t (the school I was at asked for lower grades than the local grammar and private schools). All the heads of department were in to give advice and help - lots of conversations with students about uni and so what they needed to do for years 12/13 to get there.

yes most kids collected the results then left, but for those who didn’t do well, there was a whole lot of support. I had thought it was the norm.

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 10/02/2023 07:05

Why can't she just fly a day later? She's old enough, so just move the flight, no big deal.

Gh12345 · 10/02/2023 07:13

But she can collect her results after the holiday? Seems a bit dramatic for a piece of paper

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2023 07:13

Agree what pp has said, if there is any chance that she might not get the grades required for her A level choices, it's vital she is around to go in and discuss it.

Sixth forms allow some courses to get oversubscribed (eg Maths and Physics) because they know not everyone will get the grades. If your DD was one of these it would take a LOT of negotiation to get her on to the courses she wants.

I have seen students arrive in September not able to join any of their courses they picked due to missing the grades and the parents saying helplessly "well we were on holiday when the results were issued so we couldn't come in, could we, so what are you going to do about it?" But by that time all their second-choice courses were full as well.

rookiemere · 10/02/2023 07:13

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 10/02/2023 07:05

Why can't she just fly a day later? She's old enough, so just move the flight, no big deal.

Oh do read the OPs updates for goodness sake. She can't fly alone.

SweetSakura · 10/02/2023 07:16

rookiemere · 10/02/2023 07:13

Oh do read the OPs updates for goodness sake. She can't fly alone.

Show quote history

I've read the op's updates and have a daughter with autism who is a similar age. They are going to be hitting adulthood in a few years. Gradually easing them towards independence is important. If an adult gets her checked in and an adult meets her at the airport the other end it would not only solve this issue but also help her gain important life skills

TeenDivided · 10/02/2023 07:17

Gh12345 · 10/02/2023 07:13

But she can collect her results after the holiday? Seems a bit dramatic for a piece of paper

She wants to have the experience of collecting with her friends.

Plus she may need teacher advice if she doesn't get expected grades re applying for remarks.

Plus over the time period of the holiday she may need to go to her next 6thform/college to enroll etc.

All of this is even more important due to her autism.

Of course there are maybe ways around everything, but the bottom line is the 16 yo doesn't want to go, and wasn't consulted.

JJWT · 10/02/2023 07:22

A slightly different issue, but if she is intending to go to a sixth form college, enrolment starts in mine on results day. After two or three days some A level classes are full and by the time she gets back she may be too late to enroll. It may not be like this where you live but where we are, schools tend to be 11 - 16 and you apply to the various colleges for years 12 and 13. They offer places but you don't actually have the place until you have enrolled n a first come, first served basis, with proof of gcse results in your hand, and you give up your other offers at this point. Last year, after a few days we were putting names on a waiting list for some qualifications.

Also, speaking as a sixth form teacher and mum of 3 girls who are already past y11, results day is a big exciting deal, kind of feels like a rite of passage to them, and fomo is high with this, especially among the girls as there's all the emotional drama involved in commiserations/celebrations etc.

My final point is: this is the year where the government will go the rest of the way back to reinforcing the pre pandemic grade boundaries ( they went about half way to this last year) and therefore you may find she's not got what she needs or was expecting and you'll need to support her urgently in pursuing a plan B, eg if she wanted to do A levels and you now need to help her decide about btecs, T levels etc. This could be difficult to deal with if they are away. Last year it was our extended diplomas that filled up first for this reason.

He's understandably annoyed but it's entirely his fault. If it was me I would not make her go and leave him to take responsibility for rebooking.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/02/2023 07:25

I can see why she doesn’t want to go. Results day is a BIG deal. I’m 42 and can remember exactly what I did on results day, what I was wearing, who I was with.

GoodChat · 10/02/2023 07:29

I've read the op's updates and have a daughter with autism who is a similar age. They are going to be hitting adulthood in a few years. Gradually easing them towards independence is important.

You do know autism is a spectrum, right?

GoldilockMom · 10/02/2023 07:32

Seems a bit dramatic for a piece of paper

Two years hard work is a bit of paper?

Those results shape your future options! It’s everything to these teens and wether they go to college or sixth form with their friends - even some apprenticeships need grades.

Just wow!

SweetSakura · 10/02/2023 07:35

GoodChat · 10/02/2023 07:29

I've read the op's updates and have a daughter with autism who is a similar age. They are going to be hitting adulthood in a few years. Gradually easing them towards independence is important.

You do know autism is a spectrum, right?

Yes I am fully aware.

Dguu6u · 10/02/2023 08:06

He just forgot about this, it happens. You should talk to your DD about priorities, he has paid for a holiday for her and it would be ungrateful not to go.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/02/2023 08:07

Gh12345 · 10/02/2023 07:13

But she can collect her results after the holiday? Seems a bit dramatic for a piece of paper

Yeah its just a piece of paper, it nothing at all Hmm

SweetSakura · 10/02/2023 08:08

Dguu6u · 10/02/2023 08:06

He just forgot about this, it happens. You should talk to your DD about priorities, he has paid for a holiday for her and it would be ungrateful not to go.

Err no. What kind of thoughtless person books a holiday for someone without checking their availability? The DD is free to choose without feeling guilty

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/02/2023 08:08

Dguu6u · 10/02/2023 08:06

He just forgot about this, it happens. You should talk to your DD about priorities, he has paid for a holiday for her and it would be ungrateful not to go.

Dd has her priorities and a holiday is not that. Maybe her dad should be revaluating his priorities ie his daughter instead of a beach.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/02/2023 08:10

Dguu6u · 10/02/2023 08:06

He just forgot about this, it happens. You should talk to your DD about priorities, he has paid for a holiday for her and it would be ungrateful not to go.

He didn’t forget. He didn’t care enough to ask. That’s two very different things.

Its absolutely not ungrateful to say “sorry, I can’t make the holiday you booked with no discussion because I have other plans that are important to me”.

Just because he booked it doesn’t mean she’s obliged to jump to his wishes and ignore her own.

1HappyTraveller · 10/02/2023 08:11

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 09:02

I do feel sorry for DD. Her Dad has always only ever had her 4 days a month so she likes to spend more time with him when given the opportunity.

@Testina No he didn't check dates with me or DD before booking (not the first time he's done this either!).

Then he’s just going to have to suck it up!

YANBU

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