To feel this isn't DD's fault

[bluefrontdoorr]

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

Personally, I’d rather have gone on holiday, as would our kids.
If she doesn’t want to go, though, that’s his problem to deal with.

At 16, can’t she fly out and meet him next day?

Yes, mine preferred the holiday too. In fact, enjoyed the celebration, roof top pool, champagne, abroad.

I think at 16 your DD knows her own mind though and needs to talk to her dad.

Would a celebration with him, abroad, suffice, if he talked to her about how they will celebrate, it might outweigh being in school.
She can make her decisions.

Can her dad move his dates? Is there a reason it has to be the dates he has booked-perhaps he can't move them.
If that is the case she has a choice - miss the holiday or be here to pick up her results. With your support, she will make her choice.

Your ex is being an arse.

He didn't check the dates.

He's expecting her to miss out on a key rite of passage that she WANTS to do. Personally, i'd rather have the holiday, and would have chosen it at 16.. but that's not relevant here. Neither is his want.

He should have checked dates before booking.

He's being ridiculous to expect to force through his will onto your DD and pressure you. Almost like he doesn't think she has a world, and commitments, and desires of her own.

If he carries on like this, it's going to damage the relationship he has with her as she develops into an adult... rocky few years ahead.

Op say her DD is autistic and feels a lone flight is too much for her.

Plus it's possible she need to be around for next step admin and things - probably dependent on area and local institutions - but DD1 had things to sort post GCSE with college.

I personally didn't enjoy picking up my results despite doing well and worked that day to avoid doing it at A-level and family went for them-but DH has fond memories of picking his up with his mates. DD1 got her in covid years and e-mail seemed to feel any climactic - as levels college hadn't updated from covid rules so e-mail again and it was hard to get hold of staff when results weren't as hoped - her friends at other sixth form had experience of going in which seemed to be a bonding thing with them.

The important thing is OP DD has been clear with her father - who isn't listening and didn't bother checking before booking with either DD or OP.

Personally I think the Dad here should be one finding solutions with his DD as he has created the completely avoidable problem - not OP suggesting them or pressuring DD to do what is convenient to him.

For goodness sake some people need to read posts.

OP'S DD IS AUTISTIC AND DOESN'T FEEL CAPABLE OF FLYING ALONE
OP'S DD IS AUTISTIC AND DOESN'T FEEL CAPABLE OF FLYING ALONE

Twice. In big. 😂

Also trying to make op be the bad guy and trash her relationship with her daughter because of his cock up is a nice touch.

This
It isn’t just the day collecting results and being with friends, it’s being there to confirm place on next stage eg A level course etc and adapt plans if any grades are missed for example. OP’s ex probably doesn’t realise all that has to be done nowadays. It’s even more important to be around after A level results if DD does them. Check out the school procedures and dates and explain to ex.
it’s a lesson to DD’s father that she is growing up and her needs and preferences have to be taken into account. But he won’t want you pointing that out. Just clarify what she is doing on those dates and hope that he can work something out if he wants her to spend time with him.

Who books a holiday without checking the dates are ok? He’s a idiot

I know BA, for example, run fear of flying courses. They're aimed at nervous flyers rather than neurodiverse people, but I wonder if your local airport has any avenues of support you can access? DD's autism might be too severe for her to ever attempt flying on her own, but I do wonder if there might be some coping strategies that would help.

Probably not an option for this holiday, though, TBH - I would worry the stress/worry of doing something like that might distract her from her exams, and she needs to focus on those.

Could someone fly out with DD, and then fly back? Depending on what part of the world we're talking, there might be super cheap tickets available. (Obviously her dad should pick up the tab for that if you can even find someone willing to make the journey who DD knows and trusts.)

Ultimately, if you can't find a solution, it's OK for her to miss this holiday. I can't believe her dad booked a trip without checking with either you or her. Muppet.

It really does highlight how disconnected he is from her that he has booked for results day. He probably hasn’t been to any college open nights, filled in any applications with her etc.
If she is changing where she goes & has autism then she may need to meet with senco staff when she registers so will need to be there.
We were away but it was DDs preference and she was staying in same school and no worries academically so no plan B needed. Registration was already all done just needed her to confirm yes I’m coming by email. School already had her results. Local college needed them to go in so everywhere is different. If she’d have been at all borderline I’d have not gone away.

Whilst I totally agree that the dates should have been checked before booking the holiday, I don't think it's that odd not to know when results day is, particularly as it's only February.

At least it seemed that half the posts in DD's school FB group in July and August of Year 11, were from parents who didn't know. Despite 2 school emails, and all the other posts on the FB group about it.

If you’ve got a 16 yr old though you’d know results day is summer and check before booking anything.

GCSE results day is always third Thursday in august; A level results the week before. Anyone who had a smidge of interest in their child's education would know this.

That wasn't the case either last year or the year before.

Really? Ok. I stand corrected. It was until pandemic. For decades. Even so it's not far out and if I still had a child in school I'd be across the date

It's not hard to google the results date - just requires adult to realise it's important to the child and do it or at least have curtsey check with the 16 year old on dates and plans.

courtesy - dam autocorrect.

Could you not see if her flight could be changed to a day later, and she could fly out on her own to meet them?

Wow.

Funnily enough I don’t have time to read through 300+ posts - I did realise after, but can’t delete my post.

Didnyou
not have the ten seconds it took to click see all on OPs posts at least?

“See all” under OPs post will help you in future, save you looking a bit of my username 😊

Thank you 😊 - I never usually comment on these, just decided to today. Wish I hadn’t bothered

Sorry for going off the radar slightly - I didn't realise I'd get so many comments!

DD is planning on going to sixth form at the same school but this is obviously dependent on what grades she gets.

We're still at logger heads currently - why is she willing to go on your holiday but not mine, I didn't realise the results came out at the end of August, can't you try and persuade her to come etc.

I have told him that if DD says she isn't going, then she isn't going, I won't be forcing anyone to do anything. I have suggested moving the date of the holiday to an earlier point in the month and was told, that'll cost too much.

She is with him this weekend so I'm worried about what pressure he'll be putting on her but I'll check in with her tomorrow. All this unnecessary stress - all he had to do was Google the date like I did!

The pathetic behaviour of some grown men never ceases to amaze me. Whingeing about the idea that DD might go on ‘your’ holiday but not ‘his’?? When it’s about dates and availability? Very poor