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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable here?

128 replies

espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:39

Hi I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here as my husband thinks I am.
He is heading out with friends on the Saturday before Mother's Day (prearranged from a few months ago)
He offered to do Mother's Day on a different weekend as he'll be too hungover to do anything on the actual day.
I don't have any issue with this.
I work part time shift work and I've now volunteered to work a late shift on Mother's Day (3pm start) so that I can get the weekend after off for my little ones birthday. My husband has gone mad at me for doing this saying I knew he was out on the Saturday and why was I did I volunteer to work on the Sunday when I knew he'd be hungover. I told him it was a 3pm start so he had all morning to himself to be hungover.
Generally we both work around each others work but his work can take him away for a week every few months and then he also has a hobby which takes him away a few times a year too.
I feel I'd be unreasonable if I'd offered to work the Saturday knowing he was out but to be told I'm unreasonable to work the Sunday cos he's hungover I feel is just wrong.

OP posts:
RomansTheyGoTheHouse · 09/02/2023 06:42

Anyone trying to cop out of parenting for a pre planned hangover is always going to be UR to me.

Especially one pre planned to last beyond 3pm. Just how much is he going to drink?!?!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/02/2023 06:42

YANBU

Findyourneutralspace · 09/02/2023 06:43

i don’t think YABU but how hungover is he expecting to be? Surely by 3pm he’ll be able to do basic parenting, even if that’s sticking a film on and ordering a pizza? What’s the event that will total him for a whole weekend?

abcde124 · 09/02/2023 06:43

Yanbu
You are doing this to spend time with your child on their birthday.

Armless32 · 09/02/2023 06:43

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Marmite27 · 09/02/2023 06:45

YANBU. He should have recovered by 3pm surely?

Weatherwax · 09/02/2023 06:47

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He gets his night out! And until 3pm the next day to recover. OP you are definitely NBU. And in fact being very accommodating in moving mothers day for him!

watchfulwishes · 09/02/2023 06:48

He IBU and pretty disrespectful of you.

Is there something you're missing out - like heavy drug use or a drinking problem - because it is not normal to need a full day to recover.

entirelyesspresso · 09/02/2023 06:48

YANBU

He is a parent, Planning in advance to get so drunk that his whole weekend is written off and he is are unable to look after his children or celebrate Mother's Day with his wife is...unhealthy. This is a shocking example to be setting for your children. I just don't understand the drinking culture in this country.

Tbh you would've know this about him when you married him and decided to have children with him.

Original poster
espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:49

If I go out with my friends we usually find midweek works better for all of us. There is no way my husband would take a Thursday off work so I could be just be hungover. He'd do the school run for me in the morning but I'd have to perk myself up for the 12pm collection.

OP posts:
WordtoYoMumma · 09/02/2023 06:49

How often does he get to go out? When I was younger and wanting nights out they'd be few and far between so I'd book in my hangover with DH 😂 it meant I could relax and enjoy myself and not worry. These days I don't really drink so it's not as much of an issue but I can imagine I'd have been gutted if my very rare night out / morning after was jeopardised in some way. That said, 3pm is late enough that he gets a lie in and plenty of recovery time - everyone knows a hangover is always done by 4pm!

How old are the kids?

TolkiensFallow · 09/02/2023 06:51

you aren’t unreasonable. You’ve moved Mother’s Day and swapped shifts so that you can have you child’s birthday off. He needs to grow up.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 06:52

Firstly, you can't "do" mothers day on a different day that's ridiculous.

Secondly - does he have a problem with drink? Why can't he control himself on the Saturday so he doesn't get a hangover.

Original poster
espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:53

Kids are 11, 6 and 5 so not babies. The two younger ones play together so little entertaining there. The last time he was out with friends was January and I told him to book into a hotel as it can be cheaper than taxis home and I don't have to deal with his hangover the next day.

OP posts:
plumduck · 09/02/2023 06:53

espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:49

If I go out with my friends we usually find midweek works better for all of us. There is no way my husband would take a Thursday off work so I could be just be hungover. He'd do the school run for me in the morning but I'd have to perk myself up for the 12pm collection.

Point this out to him.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 06:53

espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:53

Kids are 11, 6 and 5 so not babies. The two younger ones play together so little entertaining there. The last time he was out with friends was January and I told him to book into a hotel as it can be cheaper than taxis home and I don't have to deal with his hangover the next day.

Last month?

Does he do this every month?!

TibetanTerrah · 09/02/2023 06:54

My first thought was maybe he was just looking forward to the whole day off even if he wasn't actually hungover by the afternoon.

Then I realised that would probably mean he intended to slack off parenting all day, hungover or not, lying in bed, and he's pissed off you've taken away his free pass for the whole day.

It's even worse if he knows (and you know?) he will drink so much that he will be hungover still in the afternoon. Is that the case?

ChillysWaterBottle · 09/02/2023 06:55

YANBU

Armless32 · 09/02/2023 06:56

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DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/02/2023 06:56

Yanbu, you don’t get the day off AND the whole next day to recover, as a parent.

He sounds selfish.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 06:56

TibetanTerrah · 09/02/2023 06:54

My first thought was maybe he was just looking forward to the whole day off even if he wasn't actually hungover by the afternoon.

Then I realised that would probably mean he intended to slack off parenting all day, hungover or not, lying in bed, and he's pissed off you've taken away his free pass for the whole day.

It's even worse if he knows (and you know?) he will drink so much that he will be hungover still in the afternoon. Is that the case?

Yes so he's basically deciding on Mother's day to increase your parental load. other mothers get a lie in and a cup of tea, yours gives you more to do!

Sistanotcista · 09/02/2023 06:57

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He’s getting his night out with friends - OP has facilitated that. What she hasn’t facilitated is a whole weekend off - quite rightly so. No-one needs to drink so much that they’re incapable of parenting for a full day afterwards.

OP - you are definitely not the unreasonable one here.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/02/2023 06:59

Work comes before hangovers. 3pm is plenty of recovery time, and and they easily have a film afternoon.

And if course you can move Mothers Day. Its about showing appreciation not a date on a calendar.

Original poster
espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:59

@Armless32 I'm not getting into conflict with you here but the fact you called it babysitting when really it's parenting makes me wonder

OP posts:
NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 09/02/2023 07:02

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Who is he babysitting? Do you “babysit” when you look after your own DC?

OP, you are NBU apart from agreeing for Mother’s Day to be moved (which it can’t be). DH has responsibilities so can go out and have a few drinks without becoming paralytic and then you can all go for a nice pub lunch or similar on the Sunday before your shift starts.