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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable here?

128 replies

espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 06:39

Hi I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here as my husband thinks I am.
He is heading out with friends on the Saturday before Mother's Day (prearranged from a few months ago)
He offered to do Mother's Day on a different weekend as he'll be too hungover to do anything on the actual day.
I don't have any issue with this.
I work part time shift work and I've now volunteered to work a late shift on Mother's Day (3pm start) so that I can get the weekend after off for my little ones birthday. My husband has gone mad at me for doing this saying I knew he was out on the Saturday and why was I did I volunteer to work on the Sunday when I knew he'd be hungover. I told him it was a 3pm start so he had all morning to himself to be hungover.
Generally we both work around each others work but his work can take him away for a week every few months and then he also has a hobby which takes him away a few times a year too.
I feel I'd be unreasonable if I'd offered to work the Saturday knowing he was out but to be told I'm unreasonable to work the Sunday cos he's hungover I feel is just wrong.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 09/02/2023 07:39

What happens if 2 parents are hungover at the same time? This does happen, parents do go out together!
What happens is you still manage to look after your own children . Ops children are school age so dont actually need much input, lying on the sofa watching movies would work perfectly well!
All this makes me think that OPs partner either has a serious drink problem, or he is a selfish git.
HTH.

Skyeheather · 09/02/2023 07:40

Your DH is being unreasonable, he needs to cancel his night out because it clashes with Mother's Day, if he can't handle his drink (does he not have a DM he needs to visit too?).

You cannot have Mother's Day on a different weekend, it won't be the same.

Alternatively he needs to arrange childcare for the Sunday and you need to make sure you pay him back by doing nothing for him on Father's Day.

SnowyPetals · 09/02/2023 07:43

What happens if you are ever ill on one of his special hangover days?

redskydelight · 09/02/2023 07:44

PuttingDownRoots · 09/02/2023 06:59

Work comes before hangovers. 3pm is plenty of recovery time, and and they easily have a film afternoon.

And if course you can move Mothers Day. Its about showing appreciation not a date on a calendar.

Though I'm not sure why the need to move Mothers' Day. OP is not her DH's mother.. She is spending the day with her children who are the ones who are meant to be showing appreciation. And none of them are so small that they can't manage to make her a card, and the oldest should be old enough to (e.g.) make OP a morning cup of tea.

BellaJuno · 09/02/2023 07:44

I can see why the OPs DH is annoyed as he initially was given the green light to basically opt out of parenting for the weekend and she has then moved the goalposts. I get that bit and see why it has caused angst. Not saying I agree that it’s a reasonable expectation, it certainly wouldn’t fly in my house, but if that’s how it normally works for the OP and her DH, no judgement here.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/02/2023 07:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Since when do fathers “babysit” while the mothers work?

this shit is one of the reasons men like the OPs DH think it’s acceptable to view parenting as babysitting

Original poster
espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 07:46

@Skyeheather absolutely he will be expected to visit his own mum that day so I really don't know what is was planning on doing there as she lives local.

OP posts:
plumduck · 09/02/2023 07:47

knittingaddict · 09/02/2023 07:18

It's no more ridiculous than Mother's Day itself.

Show quote history

Fine if that's your view but what are the kids going to say at school when their mates ask "we're doing mothers day in two weeks time".

It's like doing pancake day in June or Christmas 4 weeks early

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 07:48

Draconis · 09/02/2023 07:16

So, you're parenting alone most of the weekend and then working, earning money for your family while he goes out partying with friends and has a day in bed but wants the whole afternoon and evening too and he's calling you unreasonable?!

This.

That's some selfish waster you have there OP.

Feel very sorry for you.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 07:48

BellaJuno · 09/02/2023 07:44

I can see why the OPs DH is annoyed as he initially was given the green light to basically opt out of parenting for the weekend and she has then moved the goalposts. I get that bit and see why it has caused angst. Not saying I agree that it’s a reasonable expectation, it certainly wouldn’t fly in my house, but if that’s how it normally works for the OP and her DH, no judgement here.

No he wasn't!

W0tnow · 09/02/2023 07:49

cant do Mother’s Day because he’ll be hungover? That is pathetic.

Christmas Day on another day because you’ll be too hungover. I’m sure no one would take issue with that.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 07:49

espressomartini35 · 09/02/2023 07:46

@Skyeheather absolutely he will be expected to visit his own mum that day so I really don't know what is was planning on doing there as she lives local.

He'll have to tell her he's doing mothers day in 5 weeks time instead or something...

plumduck · 09/02/2023 07:50

W0tnow · 09/02/2023 07:49

cant do Mother’s Day because he’ll be hungover? That is pathetic.

Christmas Day on another day because you’ll be too hungover. I’m sure no one would take issue with that.

Like what is there to do? Wake the kids up so they can make breakfast? Order in a takeaway if he cant be arsed to cook?

GabriellaMontez · 09/02/2023 07:51

EVERYTHING revolves around his 'needs'. Children, you, work have to accommodate his hangover.
Pathetic.

lifeinthehills · 09/02/2023 07:52

Mother's Day comes before hangover. Work definitely comes before hangover. Anyone who needs a day off after an outing due to how affected they are by their choices from the night before is unreasonable to get in that state in the first place

Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2023 07:53

The fact that he can’t do Mother’s Day due to him being hungover is ridiculous!
He is a parent and his children come first. You have chosen a shift that is fairly late on in the day. If it was my dh id be furious that he’s been lazy to stay in bed all day and miss out on time with his children. I’m sure he can have a lazy morning as you’ve already suggested and get up to be a father whilst their mother goes to work. It’s not as if you are going out!
I think you make a good point of if you were going out then you wouldn’t expect him to take 2 days to make sure he was at home with the children.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/02/2023 07:53

My kids have always just said "we are doing X on Y date as daddy is at work on X date" (which is admittedly a better excuse than daddy is hungover but the Mother will be at work). Christmas has moved before, birthdays regularly move. I think we are planning Mothers Day a week late this year.

Surprisingly kids seem quite accepting of this. Its adults that have a problem...

But that's all completely irrelevant to a man's inability to look after his own children just because he went out the night before. I'm sure he would feel up to seeing his favourite team in a sports match or a bbq with his mates..

Hiddenvoice · 09/02/2023 07:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

@Armless32 she is respecting her husbands time. He’s having a night out and a long lie. He is a father,
this is parenting, he is not baby sitting!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2023 07:57

To all those who find it strange that you celebrate days on different days...We're another family who do all the days, be it Christmas, Birthday, whatever day, on the closest day that's convenient for all of us. One year, Santa came on the 27th. It works for us. Means it doesn't matter who 'gets' the relatives for the 25th.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/02/2023 07:58

Babysitting? They’re his kids! And he’s got until 3pm to get himself into a fit state to do what? Cook their tea and get them to bed. Not exactly hard is it? Christ he’s their dad, not another child.

YANBU OP he needs to look sharp and think on

plumduck · 09/02/2023 07:58

PuttingDownRoots · 09/02/2023 07:53

My kids have always just said "we are doing X on Y date as daddy is at work on X date" (which is admittedly a better excuse than daddy is hungover but the Mother will be at work). Christmas has moved before, birthdays regularly move. I think we are planning Mothers Day a week late this year.

Surprisingly kids seem quite accepting of this. Its adults that have a problem...

But that's all completely irrelevant to a man's inability to look after his own children just because he went out the night before. I'm sure he would feel up to seeing his favourite team in a sports match or a bbq with his mates..

Yes that's the difference. If its work or something fine. But "Dad's going out on the piss the day before and can't be arsed the next day" isn't great is it.

custardbear · 09/02/2023 07:59

He's BU - who gets so pissed they're unable to parent at 3pm 🤦🏼‍♀️

Armless32 · 09/02/2023 08:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bananatushy · 09/02/2023 08:03

Nobody likes to look after kids hungover, but 3pm is ridiculous! This guy sounds like a waste of space! How on earth can you still be hungover at 3? Is he an alcoholic? If so, it’s vital you get him into help if you love him. GP might be incredibly useful here.

harriethoyle · 09/02/2023 08:03

Jesus. He sounds like a Prince OP. Make sure you return the favour on Father's Day.

And "babysitting" 🙄. Catch yourself on.