Who is unreasonable here?

[espressomartini35]

Hi I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here as my husband thinks I am.
He is heading out with friends on the Saturday before Mother's Day (prearranged from a few months ago)
He offered to do Mother's Day on a different weekend as he'll be too hungover to do anything on the actual day.
I don't have any issue with this.
I work part time shift work and I've now volunteered to work a late shift on Mother's Day (3pm start) so that I can get the weekend after off for my little ones birthday. My husband has gone mad at me for doing this saying I knew he was out on the Saturday and why was I did I volunteer to work on the Sunday when I knew he'd be hungover. I told him it was a 3pm start so he had all morning to himself to be hungover.
Generally we both work around each others work but his work can take him away for a week every few months and then he also has a hobby which takes him away a few times a year too.
I feel I'd be unreasonable if I'd offered to work the Saturday knowing he was out but to be told I'm unreasonable to work the Sunday cos he's hungover I feel is just wrong.

OP has already stated she has no issues with Mothers Day being on a different day. That's not the core issue.

The real problem here is a man who expects to be so out of it that he is unable to parent by 3pm the following day so his DW can go out and earn money for the family. Someone mentioned cocaine , maybe he is on drugs as I can't imagine anticipating a hangover that bad before you've even had the night out.

You're very, very not being unreasonable OP.

Armless32 is being extremely unreasonable to consider a male parent looking after his own children 'babysitting'. How much do you pay him for his 'babysitting'? Is he allowed to get a few snacks from the fridge? Do you drop him home after, or do his parents come to collect him?

Christ mine are adults now but if either DH or I went out drinking we wouldn’t expect to opt out of parenting completely for the whole of the next day!! What is he drinking! Drugs?

I had some epic throwing up hangovers on rare occasions but still managed to lie on the sofa and interact with the DDs (guiltily).

One of my dcs favourite memories ever is the day I had an epic hangover and lay on the sofa all day ordering dominoes etc. there was no yelling of 'come on, get your bags, it's swimming lesson time' etc etc as was the norm. I couldn't be arsed and they loved it!

Yanbu

By 3pm he should have recovered even if it's a terrible one!

He needs to grow up

Do grown adults with kids really still plan ahead to get so drunk that they will be incapable of doing anything the next day. How unattractive.

What the fuck? I cannot understand any part of your attitude. Unless you're 20, you need to grow up.

No problem. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable, I wouldn’t accept a partner prioritizing a hangover in this way. Was just trying to point out why her DH may feel aggrieved to balance against some of the outrage on this thread.

Definitely not 20 🤣 But old enough to realise that trying to understand the other person’s point of view can be helpful when resolving disputes. I’ve already said I wouldn’t accept this from my partner, I’m not saying the DH is right, just trying to point out his what his thought process might be.

He’s a total joke. He was probably planning to have a nice little cokey comedown, as well as a hangover.

You can easily still be hungover at 3, it depends on how late you stayed up. I went to a New Year's Eve party at a club a few years back. We were there from around 9pm-4.30am, and didn't get home until 5.30am. That would have you feeling it until 3pm!

What exactly does his night out entail? Just going the pub? Going on a pub crawl? Clubbing?

He is of course being unreasonable btw

If he were doing coke, he likely wouldn't even feel hungover. When I was younger, my experience was that if I did partake in coke during a drinks night, I barely had a hangover at all - nor a comedown feeling for that matter. I guess that varies from person to person, but the only bad "comedown" I' ever had was from MDMA, not coke.

If only there was a way that you could moderate your alcohol intake to limit the next day affects...

This is so unreasonable it is crazy. But assuming he refuses to see that what does OP do about it - is that the real question OP? What is he like in other respects? Because this indicates some pretty skewed priorities.

He's most definitely being the unreasonable one here @espressomartini35 .
He's living the life of a single man but he isn't one. He's a father with responsibilities.

Take the work if you still can from 3pm and tell him that if he's going around to wish his mother a happy Mother's day, he can bring the kids as she is their Grandmother too. He doesn't get to shirk his responsibilities for the sake of a few pints of beer the night before!

YANBU at all. Parents have to parent 24/7 whether they like it or not, that’s what you sign up for. He won’t be the first or last to parent with a hangover and he has all morning to sort himself out.

Thank you everyone I'm not really sure what to do but yet but I will be working that day and I will even leave a bit earlier to get a nice coffee/lunch on the way in. All aside though I've been wide awake since 1/2 5 this morning thinking all this over and im glad to know im not being unreasonable. Will update later or tomorrow

Well done op. I think it says something when the only person who thought you were unreasonable has been banned from mn for being a bellend.

Please do update!

Fuck his hangover! I drink rarely because I get horrific hangovers that last for days but I would never ever lose my shit because I had to parent my own children. Jesus, you could be ill the day he's planning on being a useless sack of shit, what then? Sometimes being a parent means not getting so wasted that you're good for nothing on a weekend.

It's not clear what you usually 'do' for mothers day but I'll assume that it's maybe go out for a meal. He's not gonna be up to that so you've said you're fine with low key. He's annoyed because he's anticipating getting so hung over that he'd be incapable (or unwilling) to care for his own kids from midafternoon whilst you (presumably) earn some extra money (at Sunday rate).

I'm guessing it will cause problems now if you cancel your shift but I'd be inclined to cancel then have a 'tit for tat' day back later in lieu. Go out on a Friday or Saturday but take the following day off too.Just opt out of family life. You could stay at home or just go out. If he chooses to get that drunk I guess it's down to him (assuming it's rare) but then surely you too get a similar 'free pass'

@Armless32 Would you say a mother is 'babysitting' her own kids?

If you wouldn't, why would you say it about a father? Do you think a father isn't an actual parent, and only a female is?

Don’t quite agree with this.
not sure a ‘free pass’ is a good solution to this. I may have misunderstood but it didn’t seem like OP’s husband was going to be unfaithful or in ‘the lifestyle’? Just hungover.
After an accident on a big night out, and a long discussion, my partner and I (at the time) trialed a ‘free pass’. It did not go smoothly and after weeks of arguing it ended up ending our relationship. I would be really careful if you choose to go down this path, you might not like what is at the end.

Tbh If my partner agreed that I could have a night out then took a shift at work the next day I'd pretty annoyed too as I get really bad hangovers. However, I would be fuming if he even suggested arranging a night out the day before mother's day and then to spend mother's day hungover. No mother's day is your day, he should rearrange his night out not rearrange mother's day, he sounds unbelievably selfish.

When you say ‘it’s your day’ do you mean she shouldn’t be doing any childcare? Or chores. Cause that is my idea of a day off/appreciation? but surely that could be done on any day, at any time? Does it have to be on that particular Sunday?