Would this be seen as neglect if they weren’t wealthy?

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindwoowoo]

I know a wealthy family, the Dd is 10 and hasn’t been to school since the start of October due to anxiety and feeling unwell (comes from the anxiety I believe)
They have only recently recruited a tutor for homeschooling, she’s missed months of schooling and did nothing at home.
Parents fly to another country each week for business (take it in turns, both go each time for a couple of days)
No real organisation/schedule in the house, no proper food shops, mainly expensive restaurants or takeaways. Dd hasn’t ever baked (sounds silly but surprised me) isn’t allowed to watch tv without parents etc. Dd has many issues around illness and eating and other things, highly sensitive child, she rarely goes out and has one friend she sometimes sees.
I see this as pretty unhealthy and worry about her and the situation, should I or am I just being nosey and out of order?

*Post

I have a highly sensitive child. It’s hard to imagine the things that make them anxious. My DD has been crying every evening for 3 weeks because it will soon be my birthday and it means I’m a little bit older and a little bit closer to dying. That feels her with fear. I doubt you have the full picture and I suspect their home life is a lot more complicated than you realise.

If she suffers from anxiety then all of her behaviour is not surprising

Did you really say she’s never baked?!! Stuff about when and how she’s allowed to watch tv!?!?!
This sort of thing is obv how her family like to live…and not your concern

Tbh think none of this is your business

So you’re the tutor 🙄I hope the family see this and act accordingly.

Not every family bakes- just because it’s your ‘normal’ doesn’t mean it’s everyone else’s.

Watching TV as a family or only under parental supervision is quite likely allowing the child to explore other interests instead of being stuck in front of a screen.

The family have a different very different routine to yours, and it appears you believe it is incorrect.

It’s sounds like there was disruption to her education, but they have now accessed a tutor for her as she can’t attend school. Could be many reasons for this.

Does the child’s mother speak with warmth and concern about her or does she sound indifferent? Is she accessing support for her child’s anxiety?

If something feels off, it would be worth getting advice from from the NSPCC

Look, either she’s being actually neglected/there’s a safeguarding issue, in which case you should report it to the relevant authorities. I’m all in favour of taking an interest in child’s welfare and following safeguarding processes. Phone the LA or NSPCC and talk it through with them.

Or she’s not, in which case you’re being judgemental about what are just very different parenting standards. Whether you personally think x, y or z would be good for her is completely irrelevant because she’s not your child - ultimately it’s up to the parents to bring up their child how they see fit unless actually causing harm or neglect. There’s kids brought up in relative isolation all over the world, for lots of reasons. Wouldn’t be my choice, but they have the right to make that choice for their own child. Just like there’s people who choose never to discipline their child or choose to bring them up off grid in a yurt or who have 20+ kids they can’t possibly pay enough attention to or who schedule their child with three activities a day and “tiger mother” them. There’s many ways to raise children, many reasons for those choices (often related to circumstances or parenting the actual child you have rather than the standard model child you expected) and many costs and benefits to those choices. But they are the parents choices.

Look, either she’s being actually neglected/there’s a safeguarding issue, in which case you should report it to the relevant authorities. I’m all in favour of taking an interest in child’s welfare and following safeguarding processes. Phone the LA or NSPCC and talk it through with them.

Or she’s not, in which case you’re being judgemental about what are just very different parenting standards. Whether you personally think x, y or z would be good for her is completely irrelevant because she’s not your child - ultimately it’s up to the parents to bring up their child how they see fit unless actually causing harm or neglect
This 100%

If OP has genuine concerns then she needs to raise them, and it's a little concerning that a tutor working with vulnerable children doesn't know this.

If the OP doesn't have any safeguarding concerns then it's irrelevant what she thinks about someone else's parenting choices.

Growing up I had a friend who was left almost totally to her own devices from about aged 14. Huge house, parents always entertaining, partying or away at their second home. I envied her freedom and thought her parents were super cool and laid back - but having met her in later life and heard about the difficulties she's had since, it's clear that in reality she suffered terrible emotional neglect. She's giving her children a very different upbringing - structure, order and attention.

No one is talking about leaving the kid to watch Channel 4 at 10pm for hours on end. How big is your house that if you let her put on CBBC while you make dinner you can't nip in the room and turn it off after an hour? It's tv not crack.

@Lozzybear you can't see the difference between having a tv and not being allowed to use it, and just not having on?

Wouldn't worry about the baking thing. I did it when mine were very young but I'm awful and they were inedible so we don't do it.

I don;t think it's wrong of you to be concerned about the DD pretty much staying all the time at home. I am familiar with anxiety in children and there is a difference between forcing them out when they are not ready and actively keeping them in against the their wishes.

Not doing school work isn't great, but the same with adults sometimes the pressure is too much when experiencing mental health issues. I know I didn't force mine over lockdown. it's good there is a tutor in place now.

Biggest worry is definitely the lack of outside contact. Not sure what to suggest really but I agree if it was someone from a 'lower' class then SS would likely already be involved.

Anyone who has nannied for wealthy families has come across wealthy parents who neglect their children.

If you wrote the same post but the parents weren't earning well you'd get a chorus of report to ss. It's like people who have lots of money can't possibly neglect their children. Instead you get a chorus of "you are nosey". It's wrong, it doesn't sound like she's having her needs taken care of, absent or lazy parenting, not good.

I think you don't 100% know the details of the girl's health so you can't judge.

The break from schooling before she got a tutor might've been because she wasn't well enough for schoolwork.

If you don't like the parents then don't have anything to do with them, rather than having a go at them on here or elsewhere.

I suspect there is ADHD in this family - ADHD + chaotic often unfortunately. I have ADHD and yes I have more take aways than the norm! Cooking takes a lot of planning and can also be seen as a boring chore and two of our traits are poor exec functions and low dopamine so low motivation.
Inattentive ADHD is often misdiagnosed as anxiety because we have a hyperactive minds rather than hyperactive bodies.

@Lozzybear they are both families who wish to restrict screen time. They implement the restriction in different ways. If you’re assessing it on the severity of the restriction, wouldn’t not having a tv in the first place be the harshest.

If you’re going around making social services reports for these kinds of reasons then please, please stop wasting their time.

I don’t have a TV 😬

I think this is prurience and class envy masquerading as concern tbh.

The thing about baking is absolutely absurd. I have never done crafting really with my kid because I am shit at it and she’s not interested. That does not correlate with, let alone cause neglect.

The child clearly has mental health issues but you are extrapolating wild theories about this being connected to her parents’ work schedules and then basically saying that if they were not wealthy professionals they would be under the eye of a social worker. You have no evidence for this whatsoever and you don’t know the whole story.

The child’s anxiety could have been caused by anything and the parents probably need to travel abroad for their jobs to support her.

This is just nasty and judgmental schadenfreude.

I disagree. Not having any social interactions, high anxiety to the point of being unable to do any school work while parents are often away shows the child needs extra support they aren't getting.

When do you think it's a concern? Genuinely, if these parents were both on benefits would you still say 'stop wasting SS time'? Her emotional needs are clearly not being met.

It is not class envy. The child sounds neglected. But it will not meet the threshold for SS involvement.

I don’t think there would be a chorus of report.

I mean, not watching tv and not having enough ‘approved’ hobbies in itself isn’t a concern. Nor is homeschooling/private tutor. One parent working away from home isn’t be an issue either, so long as there is someone at home.

But if the OP feels something is off, then it’s worth her seeking advice, just not on an Internet forum.

I disagree. Not having any social interactions, high anxiety to the point of being unable to do any school work while parents are often away shows the child needs extra support they aren't getting.
The problem is the OP has said she isn't going to report the situation, which leaves large question marks about the accuracy of her version of events.

If she's a tutor working with children she really ought to have basic knowledge of safeguarding, and would therefore know that safeguarding concerns need reporting.

So either she's got such poor knowledge of safeguarding that she shouldn't be working with children, or she doesn't have any substantial safeguarding concerns.

💛

Yes. Anyone with any common sense would say to stop wasting social services’ time with ridiculous and spurious accusations even if the parents were on benefits. OP has admitted that she doesn’t even have a damn clue what’s going on.

Having high levels of anxiety is not a sign that the parents are doing something wrong. OP has no idea what support the parents are getting for her or have tried desperately to get for her. They’ve bloody hired OP so clearly they’re trying to do something.

The parents going away for work isn’t a sign of neglect either. Do you think children of military families should all be reported to social services? What about single parent families?

Feel free to tell all the parents on here who have said their child has debilitating anxiety that the reason is because they, as parents, have failed to meet their needs though. That doesn’t make you sound ignorant at all.

I always agree with your very sensible posts.

I have never baked with or without my kids because baking is not part of our culture. Doesn't make me lazy.
I fed them lentils and okra from the time they were babies, and still do. This baffled my health visitor, I can tell you!
DH was often away in another country. You know, because his job paid the bills back then.