Would this be seen as neglect if they weren’t wealthy?

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindwoowoo]

I know a wealthy family, the Dd is 10 and hasn’t been to school since the start of October due to anxiety and feeling unwell (comes from the anxiety I believe)
They have only recently recruited a tutor for homeschooling, she’s missed months of schooling and did nothing at home.
Parents fly to another country each week for business (take it in turns, both go each time for a couple of days)
No real organisation/schedule in the house, no proper food shops, mainly expensive restaurants or takeaways. Dd hasn’t ever baked (sounds silly but surprised me) isn’t allowed to watch tv without parents etc. Dd has many issues around illness and eating and other things, highly sensitive child, she rarely goes out and has one friend she sometimes sees.
I see this as pretty unhealthy and worry about her and the situation, should I or am I just being nosey and out of order?

@Thesesoundsfallintomymindwoowoo My DS also rarely socialises and has no hobbies. He wants to, but he finds it impossible. I’m not berating you or saying you’re wrong to be concerned, but there is always more to what we see on the surface.

In fairness, whilst my DD is only 9, she’s not allowed to watch TV alone either. I don’t think it’s appropriate. There’s too much I don’t approve of, plus screen time is not good in excess. Also DD’s behaviour and self-regulation go to pot if she has more than a little screen time, and if I wasn’t watching with her I wouldn’t trust her to be mature enough yet to switch it off after the agreed cut off point.

That doesn’t actually make sense as a response. Are you saying that you asked her what she does and she told you she doesn’t do anything? As opposed to that you’ve actually witnessed her not doing anything all day? Have you considered that she just doesn’t like you or want to talk to you or want to tell you things? Have you considered, for just a second, that she has anxiety?

As a PP said, there is a very high threshold for neglect. This is the case law:

Hedley J in Re L (Care: Threshold Criteria) [2007] 1 FLR 2050, para 50, :

"society must be willing to tolerate very diverse standards of parenting, including the eccentric, the barely adequate and the inconsistent. It follows too that children will inevitably have both very different experiences of parenting and very unequal consequences flowing from it. It means that some children will experience disadvantage and harm, while others flourish in atmospheres of loving security and emotional stability. These are the consequences of our fallible humanity and it is not the provenance of the state to spare children all the consequences of defective parenting. In any event, it simply could not be done."

I'd be concerned too
But like you not sure what to do

This! 👆
You can’t win on here, everyone rants that people should notice when something isn’t right with a child. But when someone does notice they are “nosey and judgmental” 🤷‍♀️

You really can't assume that professional treatment will 'work wonders' when you really have no idea what is going on for this girl. The family may be on a journey with an ASD/PDA diagnosis for instance which they haven't shared with you. If you really believe she is neglected then report it to the SS. That said, I do believe there is a great deal more abuse and neglect in middle class families than ever gets acknowledged.

OP honestly you have a really unhealthy interest in this child!

You really have zero knowledge about what is going on in that house, no idea of any special needs or learning differences she might have, yet you're judging, throwing around the word neglect, speaking as if you have intimate knowledge of the family (which you don't), making statements like 'she doesn't bake' (which is a strange comment in itself), & judging the poor quality of their parenting, judging their travel schedule, judging the poor quality of her home schooling, judging how they eat, and even managing to judge the fact they're wealthy. Stop judging. You have no right to and you're overstepping boundaries all ove the place here. Plus saying that you know their travel schedule and daily eating habits sounds like you are spying on them. You should just leave them alone.

@Thesesoundsfallintomymindwoowoo there's a rule on mumsnet (and in life):

If the kids seem unhappy, the family set up questionable or home life sub par and the family is working class / skint / on benefits it is the first port of call to assume the parents are at fault, in some way ignorant or deficient.

If on the other hand everything else is described as above but the family are loaded, criticise at your peril. You are then judgemental, nosey, jealous, shitstiring, or all of the above.

This is how money buys you safety from scrutiny. I detest it.

You're muddying the waters with silly dogs about the child not having done baking and having the right childhood activities, which makes you seem more invested in looking to have a dig than raise real concerns.

If a child has been missing from school then school will have reported it and will be following the relevant procedures.

If a child is unable to attend school for medical reasons the local authority has a duty of care to provide EOTAS for the child. The wait lists for this are often long so some parents decide that they will arrange their own private tutoring to fill the gaps in EOTAS services.

If you have any safeguarding concerns then you need to report them to social services, who will look at the rest of the jigsaw and decide what needs to happen.

If you're just looking in and deciding that you think the house just be lonely/you're speculating that the child wants to do things and creating your own narrative about the parents preventing them then take a step back and consider that you're only seeing part of a picture and you're filling your own gaps in.

I wouldn’t ever report them for anything but I do feel she should be getting some help of some sort

Don't include me in that conclusion @BeatieBourke I would have posted exactly the same whatever the situation of the family income wise! The OP needs to stop obsessing over a girl she knows nothing about as it's unwise and fan cause a lot of distress.

In terms of child protection, that’s not what ‘neglect’ means.

Except that OP has flat-out admitted that she doesn’t think the child is being neglected or abused at all. She just thinks she’s sad and lonely but she hasn’t actually articulated why beyond ridiculous reasons like “she doesn’t bake” and, it appears from her updates, she doesn’t actually know what’s going on and has just got an impression from talking to a child with anxiety where she seemed, to be honest, just bloody anxious.

Be as nosey and judgemental as you like if a child is actually being abused or neglected but being nosey and judgmental just because the child has anxiety isn’t the same thing. OP’s over-invested and ill-informed criticism is likely to do more harm than good.

@beautifulpaintings I'm not obsessing, I know her well as she’s under my care a lot of the time. I’m at their house almost daily

Why would you even feel that the TV point is an issue. A school friend of mine didn’t have a TV growing up. A conscious choice by her parents. She appears to be a perfectly well adjusted adult.

I don't believe that for a moment, if she was under your care every day then your original post doesn't make any sense.

Would you really judge a working class family for what OP has outlined? I certainly wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t ever report them for anything but I do feel she should be getting some help of some sort
So you're concerned about neglect and think the family are getting away with all sorts because they're rich, but you're not willing to do anything about it?

Either you're not actually concerned about the child's welfare or you don't have meaningful safeguarding concerns.

@Lozzybear I suppose it’s with a lot of things together, as an isolated thing, I wouldn’t think anything of it
There’s barely any contact with the outside world, I personally think it could be good for her

Your concern shows you in a positive light, in spite of what some others have said.

It doesn't sound like a great childhood to me, but on the other hand I wouldn't be considering an SS referral.

The months off from education wouldn't actually worry me (even though I was a teacher). When I had very bad MH I needed a few months off work to recover, and I see this as equivalent.

The parents coming and going wouldn't worry me either - she has two parents who are still together in one home, and who time their business travel so one is always home. No problem.

The lack of other activities and social time isn't good. The former definitely isn't a neglect issue though and wouldn't meet SS thresholds. The latter...not ideal, but maybe it'll change.

@Thesesoundsfallintomymindwoowoo i don’t think you are nosey or overly judgemental. I think you are concerned, and I don’t think that comes from ill-intention. You seem to be accepting that other families do things differently.

Able you able to offer friendship at all particularly play dates for this girl?

If not friendship, then perhaps raise your concern with the safeguarding lead at her old school?

At least that way you have flagged your concern. If it turns to be unfounded, you will have done the right thing. I believe we all have a responsibility to each other. Sometimes that means looking out for others.

I would say it unusual for a child not to attend school even if there are mental and/or physical health issue. Absence from school trigger concerns, however there isn't enough information here to say this a case of neglect.

How long has she been under your care daily?

Like PP said, this doesn’t add up. You’ve previously said you don’t know what she does all day and are relying solely on what she tells you. If you saw her daily then you’d know, surely?

If she’s under your care so much then why aren’t you doing any activities with her?

@Sqqueeeeeeee For goodness sake, it’s not that *Nothing adds up. I don’t want to go into too many details and have contacted mumsnet to remove it as I feel it’s too outing now.
It’s true I haven’t been working with her fir a long period but have been able to get a sense of her life. I work with her only a few hours per day, it isn’t my job to organise activities etc, although I have talked with her and gently tried to encourage getting together with her friends etc, but again, it’s not my place
This host was written from a place of concern, no other reason. I’m trying not to be judgemental, but I admit I don’t understand some of the way she’s raised, sorry, I’m human