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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family photo shoot- sister wants to bring very new man

181 replies

MumToTwo2022 · 08/02/2023 16:08

I have booked a photographer to take family photos for our mum as this is something she has said many times that she would love to have.

Myself, my brother and my sister are paying for this between the three of us as a gift from us all.

The plan is to have photos of the 3 of our families individually, we all have children.
Then have some of us 3 siblings and some of all Mum's grandchildren together as well as some of the lot of us-
My brother, his wife and their 3 children.
Myself, my partner of 11 years and our 2 children.
My sister and her 2 children.

The bit I'm now questioning is that my sister has now told me that she plans to bring a man she's started seeing along and wants him to be in the photos, including the group photos of all 3 families.
This was not the plan when I booked the photographer.

For background-
My sister has been 'seeing' this man for about 6/8 weeks.
They aren't officially in a relationship as yet.
My mum has met this man once.

AIBU to think that he shouldn't be in the family photos that we are having done for my Mum?

OP posts:
ComfortablyDazed · 08/02/2023 20:14

What do you think of all the contributions to your thread, @MumToTwo2022 ?

neverbeenskiing · 08/02/2023 20:22

If she is paying for her photos then you really can't tell her who she can and can't include.

Again, they are not her photos! They are supposed to be a gift for her DM, who has specifically asked for photos of her family.
By your logic, should Dsis be allowed to invite anyone at all then? Her friends? Colleagues? Neighbours? Her DC's friends? She's paying for a third of the photographers fee after all.

OoohISay123 · 08/02/2023 20:29

Desperate

MeridianB · 08/02/2023 20:31

neverbeenskiing · 08/02/2023 16:35

I would tell her something along the lines of "Look Dsis, I'm really happy for you that you've met someone you like so much. But this isn't about us, its a present for DM. She wants family photos, and X isn't family. I understand he's important to you, but DM has only met him once. You can't expect her to have a someone she barely knows in a family photo on her wall, surely? We can ask the photographer to take a couple of pictures of you and X at the end if you like".
If she really doesn't get it once its been spelled out for her I would be a bit worried about her to be honest.

This is good wording if you’re feeling measured about all this.

But if you’re not then please just tell her she has to be joking. And if she pushes it then have a chat about her poor boundaries, because PPs are right about her introducing a random man to her children after a few weeks.

FairFuming · 08/02/2023 20:42

I imagine he's agreed to come because he's worried he will upset her if he doesn't. Would I be right in thinking she's been single for a while and this is her first new relationship? It's easy to get caught up when something is new and exciting but this is an unfair situation to put both her family and somone she's only dating through.

Tandora · 08/02/2023 21:08

neverbeenskiing · 08/02/2023 19:33

Uh ok, if it makes you feel better, it wouldn't be normal for a woman to want to appear in a family photo with a man she'd only been seeing for 6 weeks and his DC either!

You can "really like" someone and still have enough self-awareness and basic social skills to realise that their Mother, who you have met once, probably won't want your face in a frame on her living room wall!!!

Show quote history

She doesn’t have to put his face in a frame in the living room! Why are people being so dramatic about some photos? Presumably they will be taking lots, and presumably only one or two will end up in a frame in mums house.

R0ckets · 08/02/2023 21:14

She doesn’t have to put his face in a frame in the living room! Why are people being so dramatic about some photos? Presumably they will be taking lots, and presumably only one or two will end up in a frame in mums house.

As I said earlier the liklihood is none of them will end up in a frame because they will all be uncomfortable, wooden and to be honest totally shit photos which is to be expected when you're trying to pose naturally in front of a stranger. It will be a complete waste of everyone's time and money if he comes along.

PinkSyCo · 08/02/2023 21:39

This bloke shouldn’t have even been introduced to your sister’s kids yet, let alone want to be integrated into even wider family like this. Weirdo. Tell your sister no. She should be old enough to understand surely.

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2023 21:42

Just tell her no, she has no idea if this is a long term relationship, it”s not appropriate. This is a gift for your mum, why on earth would she want him in her family pics?

Marmalady75 · 08/02/2023 21:47

My ex BIL is in most of my family wedding photos. He left my DSis 2 days later for the woman he had been shagging for months. It gives me the rage looking at the photos. Don’t allow your sister to do this. They could well split up the next day and your photos would be ruined.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/02/2023 23:07

Perhaps new man is controlling and is demanding to be in the photo.
I would tell sister No.

AnneButNotHathaway · 09/02/2023 12:55

YANBU, this is a photo shoot meant for family and this man simply doesnt' fall into that category. If things between your sister and him work out, there will be plenty of opportunities for them to get their photos taken and there could be another family session. However, if their connection is short-lived... this is going to be super awkward, and I also don't think your mum is going to appreciate the stranger in the pictures. I'd tell her no, but just in case she insists he has to be in the pictures and he doesn't decline (would also be very telling of his character, in my opinion!), there is a guide on removing people from photographs just in case things go south 😂

horseyhorsey17 · 09/02/2023 18:00

YANBU. We had this situation at a family wedding and ended up
having to photoshop the twatty short lived boyfriend out of the pics. Of course he was right in the middle for a whole bunch so we couldn’t and now will be reminded of just what a twat he was every time we look at them.

CatAndHisKit · 09/02/2023 18:03

It sounds ike she doesn't want to be seen as 'single' with DC along all of you being with partners. It's silly, but is she really insecure?

JustAnotherManicMomday · 09/02/2023 18:17

I would suggest that maybe he could be in the next ones once it's a serious relationship. Point out if things don't work out she wouldn't want the photos around for years to come. If she insists then say maybe he could be in a couple of her family but not in the big group ones as if the relationship is short lived it would ruin the gift do to speak.

Sennelier1 · 09/02/2023 18:23

I think you should have a serious talk to the photographer. A professional knows how to do this.

saraclara · 09/02/2023 18:30

Why are people suggesting having him in the photo and later being cropped off? There is NO reason whatsoever to have him in the photo. The photo is for the mother and she doesn't know him. It's as simple, and as easy to justify to her, as that.

this isn't about us, its a present for DM. She wants family photos, and X isn't family. I understand he's important to you, but DM has only met him once. You can't expect her to have a someone she barely knows in a family photo on her wall, surely?

So yes, this.

AllyArty · 09/02/2023 18:31

What’s I find strange is why would he want to go? Surely he must realise that he’s intruding.

mairerua · 09/02/2023 18:33

Don't photographers charge a base rate and then take extra shots and you get so many photographs and then buy what extras you want? She can buy the ones with him in them.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/02/2023 18:36

MsMarch · 08/02/2023 16:11

Oh, and girlfriend's daughter. DD asked who she was the other day. I don't even remember her bloody name.

Well my bridesmaid who I had known for 12+yes and was married to my brother six months earlier after dating for 11.5yrs decided to break up with my brother three days after my wedding

So she is in every single fucking wedding photo and knew she was going to be ending it with my brother. We were super close friends and she betrayed me as well as my brother.

So it doesn't always matter how long you knew someone, they can still fuck your wedding photos!

xJoy · 09/02/2023 18:37

yeh, chances are it will end, but will it be that weird, it'll be a photo of a guy she was dating at the time. Does he want to be a part of this? Sounds like one of them is a love bomber.

WoMandalorian · 09/02/2023 18:39

Can the photographer not take one photo without him and one with him? That way everyone gets their way. If they break up she can still have the family photo without him, and if this is the one and they live happily ever after they can keep the photo he was included in. Win win.

pictoosh · 09/02/2023 18:42

Good grief no. It would be SO inappropriate of him to be included in your organised family shoot. I can't believe she has even asked. I suppose you said, "Why on earth do you want him included in the photos?"
If he turns out to be a dud (which is likely by the sounds of it, weirdo) then she'll have to look at him cosying up to her in the photos forever. What a stupid thing to do.

pictoosh · 09/02/2023 18:44

No...no 'can the photographer' anything! Just no - he can't come. Don't be silly.

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/02/2023 18:50

Because the Mum who is receiving this gift, doesn't know him, it's a NO.

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