To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore."

Everything else aside - this is a horrendous way to treat someone.

OP - if this is how they treat you they don't deserve you - you're giving up a lot of time to keep this group alive and trying your best with change.

Do I think the initiations were a bit misguided? Yes, but how youve been treated is appalling.

By people on here too now I mention it, those on this thread whove been unecessarily heavy handed or mocking - shame on you. Mocking something someone is passionate about is the worst,

And unless you are happy to say you withdraw initiation and badge nonsense… I would not bother even trying to return

It’s say to me that this group is truly at the end of their tether

I wouldn't message. Just go, and be chill. Enjoy the meeting and take a break from the admin duties for now.

My book club ended up falling apart because it got too complicated and much too large. We are thinking about reforming, but will do so with care.

they could squirt in the car park

If someone told me this was a requirement to join a group I'd be more than a little taken aback.

Thank you @DappledThings. (See, this is why I couldn't join a RL book club, I'm terrible for reading too quickly and missing stuff. Normal behaviour for the long AIBU threads, I make more effort in things like The Litter Tray )

I put a suggested message to the leader in my earlier post x

No matter how keen i was to join the group, those icebreakers would put me right off. I wouldn’t return, i’m afraid.

I don’t what those have to do with creating writing? A short poem to introduce themselves maybe, but these ideas are not great, i’m afraid.

😂

Go to the meeting, tell the leader you are dropping the initiation idea.
The club has changed, you can either roll with it, dropping the badges etc, or leave.

Agree.

Is this even a thing? It all sounds very odd.

No sane person would join a book club/creative writing club that involved hazing before you could join. What absolute nonsense - what were you thinking?

Get rid of your badge/log book/ photo silliness - completely unnecessary - makes your club sound like the Secret Seven.

If you insist on keeping the badges etc. tell people they have to come for six weeks before they get any membership gubbins.

Water pistols ???? Really ????
I'd be giving badges to those people who were sensible enough to refuse to indulge this ridiculous initiation ritual.

I would message privately and ask.

I think people are being a bit mean. Although, a bit out there, Its not like the lady suggested the David Cameron Pig head thing…

@UnluckyPennsatucky in your shoes I would cut my losses and find another group. Do you really want to be part of a group where another person can be nasty and isolate you like this?

I

If this is real, I would give the group a miss for a couple of weeks. Sounds like tensions are running high and it will give everybody time to cool down and forget about the silly initiation rites etc.

Then when you do go back, I'd be quiet and spend a lot more time listening than speaking for a few weeks. Get a sense of what the group wants to be and roll with it instead of trying to make it what it was in 2006.

Stop it right now!! your tone is horrendous and you're being needlessly heavy handed.

OP - what you're doing is neither absolute nonsense, silly, or insane. What is called for however is a bit of flexibility on your part in that the spirit of the group may have moved away from these aspects.

I am autistic but group leader is already aware of this."

Just reposting OP's post here (hope you don't mind @UnluckyPennsatucky as a lot of people seem to have missed it amongst other posts.

Stop it right now!! followed by your tone is horrendous and you're being needlessly heavy handed.

@UnluckyPennsatucky in your shoes I would cut my losses and find another group. Do you really want to be part of a group where another person can be nasty and isolate you like this?

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OP I feel sad for you. This is something you loved and it has changed and may never be what it used to be. Unfortunately, that's life. It's also really common for members of a book group to not read the book and chat about other things.

I would message the group leader, apologise, say you got a little carried away, agree to removing the initiation (and the admin too? your choice) and say you hope it's ok for you to come along as usual.

Yes I’d message her. And say you enjoy coming to the club and will be there tomorrow but will step back from admin.
I agree they haven’t treated you well. Leader is aware of your diagnosis. Going forwards I’d just be a member and join in and leave rest to leader to sort.

I also think the thing to do is send a message to the leader and apologize for getting carried away and ask if you can continue to go along as a participant only.

I think the group has evolved and you haven’t evolved with it. The initiation ceremony is a truly awful idea and the badges and group photos all sounds a bit over the top as well.

I think maybe you need to take a step back from the management / admin of the group and just be a member for a while whilst you decide if you want to continue. But first I think you do need to contact the group lead to see if you are still welcome if you take a step back.

I think dropping you off the WhatsApp was a cowardly way of going about things, but also I suspect that they are at the end of their tether with your ideas.

I don't think you have cocked it up, just come at it from the wrong angle.

I'm very socially awkward and have difficulty with people too, but as I get older, the more honest about it I get.

I'd approach the leader and say listen sorry, it all got away from me. I don't deal well with change and it was a misguided attempt at trying to recapture the old days of the group. It's my issue to deal with but I love the group and still want to be part of it. I'll step back from admin and attend as a member.

If you did that, what would be the reaction, do you think?