To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

What is a log boom? (I genuinely can't think of a "typo thing" it would be, so I'm not one of those sneery disingenuous what did you mean people)
^
Perhaps it's a b^ook club thing?

Fuck me I can't format today either.

Two nights a week may be too much for some people.
Perhaps people could just have name tags.
People go to these clubs to make friends not just for the activity.

That has to be a windup.

Batshit. Initiations - hazing. What were you thinking.

I would be really put off by anywhere with an initiation ceremony or particular effort required early on from me. And what if they dislike Harry Potter? I like HP but it's not a badge of literary merit if you do!

However, I do understand what you mean about the admin. Why not just let new people attend for the first few meetings without signing them up properly? That way they get to try it out and decide whether they are going to be committed, and you only have to do the admin for people who want to carry on attending.

If you end up with a group where no one knows anyone, then so be it.

I agree with the poster, turn up and just explain the admin is getting too much so you're resigning and will just be a standard member

I really feel for you, change is hard.

It sounds like the group has moved on, but you haven't, and you're trying to pull it back... But you can't if the others in the group don't want to do it "how it used to be" then you need to either accept it or leave the group.

Taking you out of the Whatsapp group is a shitty thing to do though. Especially if no-one's ever clearly said to you, look we don't want to wear badges and we can sort out our own note book, and actually we're more interested in socialising rather than a book club - just hoped you'd get the message... I'd be tempted to turn up and make everyone else feel uncomfortable, but really do you want to be part of the "new group" if it's not like the "old group"?

Oh gosh , water pistols in the dark and secret club badges , it’s very secret seven , and probably something I would have loved as a child , especially with a group photo board .

If someone suggested it at my craft group I’m afraid they would be given a very odd look though . We have no badges , it doesn’t matter who shows each time , everyone is welcome. We talk as much as craft and sometimes do no crafting at all if more talking is required.

Im afraid OP you probably need to apologise to the group leader , drop the unnecessary admin and let the group take its own natural path , and however hard it feels move with the change so you still feel part of it .

Ok OP I know you don’t like change but you have to if you want to go back.

I love books but dislike Harry Potter so that would put me off.

I love books but hate the great outdoors so being in a field squirting water in the cold would be uncomfortable for me.

Water pistols for a book group is just so strange.

I don’t like the idea of initiation ceremonies. Feels way too public school.

I like my freedom and would hate to feel obliged to attend by the ‘community’.

I don’t wear badges because I hate that they ruin my clothes and I don’t like things pinned over my boobs.

I do like Penguins though.

They might be finding you a bit ‘intense’. Try and take a step back, let go of the traditions or start your own group. Water pistols and all.

That woman should not have been rude to you though. Unacceptable.

I hope this is Slimming World. Imagine joining up and being sent to a field with a water pistol 🤣

I hate how some people dont know how to be gentle on here.

OP you're sound lovely and I'm sure lots of people would appreciate the effort you put into the club.

That being said, I think you now realise that things have changed, it's not the club you knew and loved - but that might be ok if you can come to accept it.

I think now you need to hear what peopleare saying (not all very kindly) about coming across as quite rigid and intense, and you need to make clear to the group leader that you understand this and will take a step back.

Good luck

You sound like Gareth from "The Office".

I don't care what kind of group it is or how much I wanted to join, the initiation would put me right off
Creating new Harry Potter characters is for JK Rowling to be doing, I really don't get the point of it or the water pistols
Why not just ask them what they feel they can bring to the group?

Let them go without joining for two meetings/sessions.
They make them do the paperwork. Unless they need insurance by becoming a member, in which case give up the admin for someone else to do it.

Read her posts

No, I don't think it is

Oh OP. I’m sorry about your book club! Sounds like it was really special in its heyday.

It doesn’t sound like the group leader has handled it very well but - not wanting to overstep, but my DH is autistic and he can get very hung up on rules and details (like name badges and log books and charts) and completely lose sight of the wood for the trees (for example, that you’re more likely to get new members invested in the club by being welcoming to them rather than giving them tests to do!) It’s worse when he’s stressed and sad, the more anxious he feels the more he’ll try to control the situation by making other people follow his rules. At the same time his social skills will often start to slip and he’ll become worse at listening, worse at taking on board feedback, he won’t be able to let things go, his affect and tone will start to slip and read as not quite “right”. It becomes very stressful very quickly and causes us tons of conflict when it happens.

It might be worth reviewing your own behaviour. You might find that you’ve slipped over into being more controlling than you realise and that might be underlying the group leader’s blow-up. Again as I said she hasn’t handled it well but she may simply not be very skilled in that area.

I wouldn’t let yourself be pushed away from the club for this. You haven’t done anything you can’t come back from. Your initiation rituals were a bit mad but in an adorable sort of way! If you’re able to laugh at yourself and let it go it can just become a funny story for everyone. You could apologise lightly at the beginning of the next meeting - “I was just trying to design a nice icebreaker but it’s come to my attention that everyone thinks it’s bonkers! Whoops, sorry, live and learn, I won’t give up my day job”, rueful smile, laugh, etc.

Then keep on coming, ditch the admin, and just enjoy what you can get out of it. Don’t be hung up on it being one particular way. It may be great again, or it may be great in a different way you can still enjoy. Just don’t try to dictate to the other people there how they should engage. You might have to watch yourself very closely and sit on your hands when you’re tempted to tell them they shouldn’t talk about television in club time, etc. But hopefully you’ll adjust in time.

How about just not doing the admin until they have been there for a certain length of time? A badge, logbook and org chart doesn't sound overly taxing to be honest, just wait until you know they are serious about being a member before doing it all?!

I’d literally never attend a book club that made me do things like that to join.

This is amazing, I want to join

*"and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore."*

I know a lot of people think OP is BU for her choice of activities etc but I'm surprised no one has picked up on this - it's a horrible way to treat someone who has given up her time for 15 years. Would people saying YABU be happy with their DC being treated like this? I know OP is an adult but stuff like this can hurt a lot even though we are grown up!

Would people saying YABU treat other people like this themselves? I suspect you wouldn't so could be a bit more gentle (I hate that #bekind bollocks used to shame women but some of these posts actually are unkind and unsympathetic to someone who is hurt.

It's log book. As included in the quote you quoted before the boom typo which is the second usage in the same quote.

Going out into the field with squirters 😂
Then a coming up with a new character 😳
I love writing and coming up with characters, but that sounds like far too much work and head space for what I'd presume should be a fun club!

Thanks everyone. I’m scared to just turn to tomorrow in case I’m given the cold shoulder. Should I message leader first?

Op atm it looks like you’ve been kicked out of the group

so 100% message the leader