To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

😂😂😂

Op, this clearly means a lot to you. I'd email (or phone) the group leader, be open to giving up the initiation/badges/admin etc and see how it goes. Genuinely, good luck, you can get past this.

Yup message the leader.

Personally although YABU i dont thi k its entirely your fault.

Obviously the group has changed and you are still clinging on to the idea of the old group.

But the group leader is at fault. Why are they giving you so many mixed messages? If they weren't happy about the initiation they should have said that rather than letting others gang up on you.

Personally I would give up on the admin, none of them appreciate it, and it's taking its toll on you.

I can completely understand your feelings that if there are absolutely no rules at all- what kind of group is it?

And if they weren't happy with the initiation idea and dont want the badges any more they should have brought it up, not make you the get all the blame for trying to enforce the group rules.

Give up the admin role and become a normal member.

And like some others have said, maybe see if you could arrange some meet ups with some of the old members, you might enjoy that more.

Homework? And a water fight? You are adults right? Sounds just awful. What kind of group is it?
You sound hard work sorry

It sounds like your root problem here is that you are finding the admin to be a lot, but some of the admin is stuff you LIKE and want to keep (the badges for example). So I think what you need to do is communicate to the organiser that there is some essential admin that's necessary (e.g. lists of new member contact info so they can be informed of meeting dates and times and places, cancellations etc) and that you are tired of doing so much admin for new people many of whom only show up once, so you want someone else to take over the essential admin. You enjoy doing the badges (I think penguin badges sound wonderful and unique, personally) and are happy to keep doing that but since it's a lot of work to make a new badge for each person who comes one time, you'll only make new badges for people who have come for several weeks.

If people can't be bothered to come wearing their badges, maybe collect the ones who still have theirs (I bet some people lost their badges) and keep them in a box. Then people can pick their badge out of the box when they come to each meeting and put it back at the end. That would take the burden off of them to remember to put their badges on before they come, and also would highlight to new members that the badges are kind of a special thing when they see all the badges together.

For anyone who isn't a "regular" they can just use a stick-on label that they write their name on, until they see if the group is a good fit for them. You should not be paying for these materials out of your pocket so if the club doesn't have any sort of "dues" then that would be a reasonable thing to ask that they initiate. I think you can make a reasonable argument that the club does need at least stick-on name labels otherwise new members will awkwardly find they can't remember anyone's name. My guess is that those who enjoy the club will want to keep new members so will be willing to pay up to buy some stick-on name badges that are single-use.

I don't understand the purpose of the log-book. Can you print out several and then just hand them out to new members? Or are they unique to each member?

Talking about Netflix shows is annoying if it's all meeting long, but a typical book club will have some chat before getting into the book. Maybe set yourself a timer and after 20 min or so, say, "Well it's been fun chatting but we should probably move on to talking about the book." New members may not read the book because they are trying to get a feel for the vibe of the group first, or because they hate reading and just want a social club. So your goal would be to let them spend some time just socialising so you all get to know each other, and then do something to make it clear, in a nice way, that this is a book club not just a chat club. I understand what others here are saying that groups change, but if the book club changes to a "just chatting" club, then it might be nice for people who are very socially skilled, but it might not work for you as you may prefer a more structured conversation. And it's fine if other people want to just chat, but I have noticed in general that if there is no structure then groups can get VERY clique-ish very quickly. The club is presenting itself as a book club, people are coming because it's a book club, you are a member of it AS a book club, there's nothing wrong with you wanting it to stay a book club rather than a Netflix discussion club.

This sort of unnecessary pedantry doesn’t promote community spirit, though. It’s divisive. Clubs should be relaxed and welcoming, especially when people are expected to share their creative work. If people think you’re this nit picky about the font they use on their name badge, imagine how reluctant they would be to share their very personal writing with you.

I've just enrolled on a creative writing course, I would be filled with horror at:
a) any sort of "initiation"

b) The two suggestions you have made for this proposed initiation. Harry Potter ffs! I am an adult and have not read a single Harry Potter book and as for the water pistols. It sounds like a kids' play scheme

OP - I am also autistic and I do not always see eye to eye with people on things like this...........however, can you take it as read (for now) that the majority of the human race do not join book clubs just to discuss books. Not nowadays, anyway.

Book clubs are also a way of socialising and are very useful for people who might be a bit lonely.

The badges have had their day, I think. I would suggest that you step down from the admin side of things and let someone else do it. Tell the group that you see their point of view vis-a-vis the initiation ceremonies and would like to be reinstated on to the What's App group chat.

There is nothing inherently wrong with people meeting up to discuss books and creative writing, and then deviating from those particular things. Talking about Netflix (or anything else) is still discussing things.

I am so sorry that you're yearning for the club as it used to be. You need to move with the group dynamic now, or risk losing out on it altogether.

People age. Groups evolve. People do not need specially-made badges in order to attend a club. Neither do they need to prove their loyalty by initiation ceremonies, a la Freemasons.

Can you try to enjoy the club the way it is now, or has it been completely spoilt for you? I hope you will try to enjoy it the way it is now. It sounds like it's important to you.

I think you should message the leader just to check things are ok. Just say you’re dropping the idea of pistols and Harry Potter stuff.

Admin doesn’t have to be laborious for the group. You’re making it so with the badges etc. If you really want to make the badges then just make it a rule that they don’t get them until they’ve been there a month or more. Surely though the issue is no one seems bothered by them. You’re giving yourself extra work to keep a tradition no one is as fussed with.

Harry Potter ffs! I am an adult and have not read a single Harry Potter book and as for the water pistols. It sounds like a kids' play scheme

TBF, I love Harry Potter so would usually enjoy and be good at coming up with a new character, and I'm definitely an adult 😁
Sounds like far too much headspace for just joining a club though.

It sounds time like the group has changed or morphed into a much more informal meeting than you would like.

I think you might actually be much happier starting a new group where you can reach out to others who want to take it more seriously and who would enjoy the little extras like badges etc.. dare I say you could market it to specifically cater for those with ASD and have clear 'rules' eg no long netflix discussions.

You might find lots of people who are frustrated with informal 'prosecco drinking' book clubs and would really like to join something more serious ?

Can you explain to leader how you need things explaining. I suspect leader has been quite British about things not spelling it out. Her comments in responding to your initiation suggestion read to me like her saying I think it’s a bad idea whereas you haven’t picked up on that due to your disability. She needs to be blunt going forwards. You haven’t intended to offend and enjoy the club.

This is one of the most innocent 'aibu' posts I've ever read and still people are using the opportunity to be complete dicks.

It does sound, I'm sorry, that you are taking the rules too seriously, and if others aren't, then unfortunately it sounds like you're the one who needs to compromise. The 'initiation' would put me off. The admin you describe seems minor- except the badge making, but why not hold off a few weeks to check their commitment. You can't force people to wear your badges. I would go, and if you don't feel you can continue with the admin side- dont. If it's going to upset you not doing the admin, then you may have to be more flexible. Sadly things and clubs change, vibes change, and sometimes things do come to an end, or evolve. I hope you find your place.

'Hi team leader, I've noticed I've been removed from the group chat, I hope it wasn't as a result of my initiation suggestions. If this is the case I apologise. I really value the group and would hate to feel I've upset anyone, or have to leave.

I think I'm just getting a bit stressed with all the admin. It might be an idea if I stepped back from doing this and just attended group as a normal member. I hope I'm still ok attend group tomorrow.
Thanks Unlucky'

Would be my suggestion

The leader has been a b*tch.

Your intitiation needs scrapped.
Perhaps the take over and newer members have fresh ideas.
Your passionate perhaps not ready or willing for changes?
Change is inevitable now days.
Maybe leave and enjoy what you had?

I don’t think water squirters is an appropriate initiation for a book and writing club. I can see that this club is really important to you but from what you have said it sounds like you have been gatekeeping rather than making potential
members feel unwelcome, by making it too much of a big deal for them to join. And it sounds like you have been holding on too tightly to how the club used to be in what you saw as its heyday rather than accepting that it has naturally evolved. You need to try and accept that it has changed and go with the flow a bit more, because it is meant to be a fun social activity after all.

Also, you need to hold in perspective that although this club is very, very important to you, others in the group may treat it a bit more casually, dip in and out etc and that’s fine.

As an autistic person it could be really threatening that there are new people there each week that you don’t know as you don’t feel so comfortable or familiar in the group or know what to expect. But others will not mind this so much.

I think you have two choices: contact the other leaders of the club to apologise and say that you will try to be more friendly to new members, or leave and find/start a different club that is more how you like it.

This. I’d not be walking for nae cunt, nor rewriting Harry Potter. What in God’s name?

I was going to ask if you had ASD but didn't want to pry. From everything you have said here, I was struck by memories of an colleague from an old team I worked in. She made the office environment very difficult with made up rules and putting new barriers in place on an almost monthly basis.

We all went along with it to keep her happy as if people didn't stick to her rules, she would be visibly upset (crying and spending hours in the toilets) and report to management. Management couldn't handle this behaviour so just let it slide and we all had to be emotionally blackmailed until she was managed out. I was sad for her as she did have good intentions, just went about it the wrong way.

I think the leader isn't helping matters here. Your ideas of initiation and refusing entry if not wearing a badge are awful for a book club (or any club) - the leader should have cut you off here and explained that these things are ridiculous. It sounds like she's gone along with you to keep you quiet and happy and to give you something to do. Either that or she's given you enough power to manage you out of the group.

The admin itself for the book club, again, unnecessary. Book clubs should just be drop in each time. No admin needed apart from renting use of a space if not already available.

I understand that change of routine is hard for you. I think you need to spend some time working out if you want to stay in this new style of book club or leave.

I really do hope you're okay.

Have you looked at meetup.com to see if you can start your own group op?

That way you can find nicer people than the main one at this group.

You sound like hard work. I hate wearing name badges. If someone wants to know my name, they can ask and we can start a conversation. The point of book clubs is to chat, laugh and eat cake, having read the same book. Also, I can't see why there is so much admin.

This club was the only thing I ever found where I could be myself and actually socialise and now I’ve cocked it up.

I don't think you've cocked it up at all. You've just found it difficult to move away from the rigid thinking which typifies autistic people.
You'll be fine, OP. I hope you go back to the group and enjoy it for the club it has become.

I’m scared to just turn to tomorrow in case I’m given the cold shoulder. Should I message leader first?

I am absolutely certain that you will not be given the cold shoulder. Yes, message the leader and tell her that you would like to step down from the admin side of things.
Then just attend the club and enjoy it. It sounds like you've done a lot for the group over the years and you deserve to carry on enjoying attending it.

This is the most difficult bit, she agrees with me and then turns on me when the shit hits the fan.

Given that she is aware you are autistic I do think she could have been clearer with you - I suspect like a PP she's been very British - uncommitted but vaguely positive enough to shut you up then frustated you haven't grasped no-one else is on board.

So yes after 15 years I do think they could have handled this better.

I would try contacting the leader reminding her you are autistic and struggle socially at time sand drop all badges and rules - if you get a response then go to next meeting but if it's made clear you aren't welcome of just ignored (which I suspect given way communication been so far may happen) you need to look at new groups - maybe walking group or something.

You sound like hard work.

People on here still use this one!?

I think OP sounds like a fun person to be around.