To be upset at how I’ve been treated?

[UnluckyPennsatucky]

I’m a long standing member of a club that has been running for many years. Unfortunately a lot of the older members have left now due to failing health and other commitments.
What we have now is new member joining and then leaving again a few weeks later. This is an issue as I do a lot of admin for new members and it’s a waste of time and resources if they’re going to disappear after a few weeks.

So, I put it to the group that we introduce a kind of “initiation” set up so that people who are genuinely interested in the group will put the effort in before I do their admin. Group leader agreed and told me to set it up but nothing too intense or over the top.

So I came up with two stages. First one is they are asked to “design” a new character for Harry Potter.

Second is they have to walk to a nearby field with the group and fire water squirters at each other (very weak squirters, hardly any water comes out, just a bit of fun).

So new members were told this two weeks ago. Last week, still no new HP characters and refusal to walk to the field saying it was too cold/dark and they could squirt in the car park.

Long story short, group leader has now turned on me saying I’m putting off new members and I take everything too seriously and spoil it for everyone (water squirters - too serious??!! It’s literally the opposite of serious!)

I told her about the costs of pointless admin for people that don’t return and she made out that they don’t return because they don’t like me and that the admin stuff I do is unnecessary too.

I’ve since been taken off the WhatsApp group. The next group session is tomorrow night and I don’t even know if I’m welcome anymore. I’m beyond gutted. I’ve been a member for around 15 years.

Do I just apologise (even though I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong!) or turn up anyway and not mention it??

Bless you, OP. I'm autistic and hate change too. Unfortunately though, we have to find a way to come to terms with it.
They shouldn't be excluding you from the WhatsApp group, that's wrong.

You sound lovely but those initiation ideas sound bonkers for a book club and would massively put me off.

I think you have to accept the group has changed, ditch the badge and log book idea and maybe have a meeting about what people want- i.e formal meeting with log boom or fun social get together to talk about the book. Maybe agree 30 or 20 minutes at the beginning to chat social before going onto the book and creative writing.

Posters have been ripped apart for far less too.

Water pistols as an initiation test, WTAF?

Doesn’t sound lovely to me

Sounds bloody minded and full of judgement when conversation veers off the book

What sort of onerous admin duties could that possibly involve?!
Your initiation rituals sound batshit. They're probably afraid you'll scare off anyone remotely normal from joining.

I quite like the idea of a book club with a penguin badge!

Wouldn’t go to any club with initiations though… I would say a period of say 4 weeks attendance to confirm membership before the admin was done would be a lot easier.

last week group started and someone mentioned a series on Netflix, the next 20 minutes was spent talking about Netflix. It’s supposed to be a bloody book club
Oh god, you'd hate my book club. We spend 20 minutes talking about the book & another 5 hours talking about everything else in the world (often until well past midnight). I love it, it's great to read books picked by other people, but it's also great to talk about lots of topics.

I do genuinely feel for you, but you have to realise that things have changed and you can either change with them or you can leave the group.

Have you looked for another club or activity. Think about what you liked about club as it was. If you like badges maybe look at volunteering with scouts/guiding. Or maybe a board games club so game rules apply. Good luck.

The badges are a sore subject. I’ve fought hard to keep them as nobody else can be arsed with them anymore.

Well, that's not surprising. I am assuming the members are not nine years old.

How about you just provide sticky labels for people to write their names on each week? Then you'll know that everyone knows everyone else's name.

And win-win for you - no pesky badges to make (and throw out).

Please, OP. I understand you don't like change, but move with the flow of the group. Or start a new one yourself.

I feel for you OP, change sucks sometimes. It's really difficult when something so dear gets fucked up through no fault of your own.

It's a sad time. Things do change though. I would suggest doing what the previous poster suggests, and just pass your admin duties to someone else. Enjoy your time at the club as best you can, if you think you can.

Some of the posters have been overly harsh. Change is difficult! After 15 years of things being just so, it's difficult to adapt. Sympathies, OP, and I hope it works out for you

This all sounds utterly bizarre. It's a book club that people go to for pleasure, not a street gang engaging in turf warfare!

Who the hell wants to go to a book club that demands initiation by means of being shot at by a water pistol in a field??

As Pippa on The Windsors famously said:

"Book clubs aren't about reading books. They're just an excuse to drink Prosecco in each other's houses"

This cannot be real. You sound quite controlling. What has water at someone in a cold dark field in February, and wearing a badge 'that has to look a certain way', got to do with creative writing? Both would put me off something I'd otherwise be interested in. You could be cutting off your nose to spite your face, OP.

I do love Pippaarr on The Windsors!

So why do people need to traipse to field to squirt water at each other?

You seriously can't have expencted people to do that in Jan/Feb?!

And if I wanted to join a reading/writing group, I wouldn't want to do that even in the summer.

Are you actually in Pennsylvania?

I'm sorry you're finding this so difficult, I had a similarish situation recently with a music group. Most of the people are there to enjoy it, play music, make friends. They understand that sometimes people move house or leave for other reasons, new people join - the important thing is the group goes on. But there are a very small number who HATE the idea of new people joining (especially in a casual way), and do everything to put them off including rules that make it hard to join. I now think that's the case because this handful of people have mistaken a hobby group for their friendship group. Probably because most of their friends are in this group (i.e. they see these people a lot and don't have many friends if any outside it).

If you've got a group of pals and someone starts randomly inviting people to join in at dinner at your house you'd rightly think wtf. But in a music group or a writing group etc, that's just not how it can work. Trying to restrict the group like that will either result in things going sour (as they have for you) or the group dying out eventually.

How about you drop a quick message to the leader saying you're sorry, as she knows you're autistic and sometimes you find change really difficult to handle. You want to keep being part of the group and won't insist on the things you've been going on about. Then - since it sounds like you're missing some of the older people - how about you set up a less formal monthly meetup group for some of the old hands where you can wear your badges? Or even more practically, why not pop round or arrange a meetup with one of the past members, perhaps the badge lady if she's still around?

I'm going to go against the possibly unanimous majority here @UnluckyPennsatucky and say I would join your book club. Genuinely. I couldn't do the water pistols due to a disability but it's the sort of thing I would love if I could

I recognise and accept we may be judged as weirdos though. Could you perhaps say you recognise you are in the minority here and suggest something slightly different more as a "getting to know you" activity like (I want to say pin the tail on the donkey but fear MN reactions) something like "bring to group a new word you have recently learned" That could be a winner as people can feel smug if they know the word, or be happy they've learnt something (which book club people would like surely?) Perhaps they could bring their own badges so you are still respecting wishes of original Badge Lady without making work for yourself.

You're going to get your arse handed to you here. But some of us are similar people, we are just in the minority. (If we are rich we are eccentric, but if we are poor we are just weird )

Honestly OP you are being far too rigid and controlling.

It's a book club, not some shadowy secret society. Badges and admin totally unnecessary and not wanted by the attendees. YOU don't have the right to insist on these things.

Sounds like the group are pretty fed up of the Rules you are trying to inflict on them. Let it all go. No badges, no afmin at all.

Go along to the next group, say sorry for having been so overbearing and enjoy conversation about the chosen book AND other topics.

I'm in a book club. We dont have badges. Totally unnecessary.
I joined after the lockdowns. If they had made me create a HP character and fuck about with a water pistol before I was allowed to attend then I would never have joined. Utterly stupid ideas.

What were you thinking? And what is this admin nonsense?

Badge making? Stop it. No one wants the badges.
Printing out a logbook? They can print their own. If you really dont want that then print out a big stack in one go and you can hand them out as needed.

It sounds like you're the one running the group.

I've just joined a book club and if water squirters were involved it would be a "no" from me, especially in February!

Is this a joke or a club for 10 year olds?

something like "bring to group a new word you have recently learned" That could be a winner as people can feel smug if they know the word, or be happy they've learnt something
God almighty... Wtf?

They are probably there more for the social aspect, like most clubs..

If I were you I would leave the group and start one of my own.