Sick of my grandmother and all her money

[TetherEndOfMy]

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

She detests grandchildren needing financial assistance but is fine with grandparents needing unpaid personal assistance.

She's very wise and looking out for the family she's leaving behind isn't she?

She is taunting you. It’s sick.

How did she ‘earn her money’ then? Or did she inherit it from parents or husband?

In any case it was very easy for her generation to buy property cheap which is now worth 10X they amount, so their wealth didn’t come from working harder

Your grandmother is vulgar talking about her money and properties and watching her own flesh and blood struggling. If she mentions money again tell her straight you have financial concerns and would appreciate if she did not talk Anouk money.

I can see where you’re coming from. You’re struggling to make ends meet, time poor, spending the little spare time you have in meeting your gran’s needs, and instead of appreciating you she just rubs your nose in your difficult circumstances.

You can’t change your gran, you can only change how you respond to her.

Next time you see her and raises the topic of money, I would suggest that you do give her recommendations - she can pay an agency to do her cleaning/ get her shopping, because you are going to need to increase your work hours so will be less available. She could spend her money on appointments with financial advisers and solicitors to help her organise her finances correctly, as the family need to know that she has made financial decisions independently of you.

I've seen it at different levels from changing wills, threatening to disinherit, leave all money to charity etc, right through to the situation the OP is in, basically taunting. It's a power thing and gets more desperate as they get older.
But everyone dies and what legacy do you want. A charity taking the money and saying thanks and you are forgotton or helping your family who might remember you in years to come and think fondly of you. The PP where the dad bought a 200k watch but wouldn't help his children and his sons don't talk to him is an extreme example, but not that uncommon at different values.
I think some people are just like this and you have to protect yourself and leave them to it.
Our neighbour died last year a rich man. At his wake his eldest said he was rich but a mean bastard and he hadn't talked to him for 12 years as had his siblings. So that's how everyone thinks of him. A mean bastard who his children didn't speak to. And his carefully protected assets have mostly gone in tax because of poor planning and to an estranged wife who didn't even go to his funeral, but he wouldn't divorce.

Sounds like my MIL who loves showing me her bank balance on her iPad! I feel your pain.

Don't let him. Look after people who are as kind as you are, don't let yourself be taken advantage of by someone who sounds like they only think of themselves.

Bit of an aside but seeing how many people here have wealthy older relatives hoarding money, we definitely need a windfall wealth tax

Why the fook are millionaires getting winter fuel payments

Because it would cost the government far more to means test it.

Many of us who don't need it (though I'm far from a millionaire) have donated it to energy banks etc.

Anyone normal would take that 200k that lying around and buy their grandchild a house. And they’d feel a great deal of joy and satisfaction that they were able to help. Whenever there’s a thread about what we’d do with a lottery win, the vast majority of people on here would use the money to help family and friends.

@RemoteControlDoobry

You are assuming she only has one DGC there may well be others who would be going bananas if Granny helped out one DGC but not others.

Cut her off. Tell her you've taken on a second job as you're following her example to work hard to increase your savings. Tell her that you can only commit to the occasional welfare check on her and you won't have any time now to sit and chat with her.

Did she work ahrd all her life, get qualifications, get a high paying job etc etc to acquire all this wealth or did she buy a house in the 1970's that rocketed in value.

Indeed. My son, who most definitely needs it, had mine. I’m a long way from being a millionaire though!

I cannot fathom being able to easily help someone & not doing it.

I also can't imagine having that amount of money & not intending to leave any of it to anyone!

Op how has it come about that you are the one visiting & doing stuff for her?

Is she ever grateful or does she expect it?

I had an uncle & aunt who lived nearby & did the same thing: they wanted my help & could be nice, but were taunting & unpleasant with it. It got worse as they got into their 80's. It reached a point where I had to make a decision & I ghosted them & left them to it. I thought, "You can be nice to me & have my help, or you can amuse yourselves being unpleasant to me. You can't do both."

She’s not a boomer if she’s 84, she’s Silent generation.

Try reassuring her next time she talks about money. Reassure her that you love her whether she’s got money or not. Reassure her that you will love her even when she’s made plans to give it all away.

You could say something like….Gran I know that’s it a big worry to you knowing how to manage all your money and assets but really, I think it’s time to ask a financial advisor instead of me. Surely you know by now that my area of expertise is the exact opposite of your problem - mine is in how to make ends meet as a single mum every single day not in who best to give money away to. I would hate you to think that I’m not willing to help you with this problem of yours, because I do love you and always will, no matter what. And as you know by now, I will always try to help you out as long as I possibly can but I think that with this particular matter, you are better paying a professional instead of asking me as I am really struggling with my own money problems, as you well know.
See how that goes down with her.

I agree completely, @WinterFoxes.

@TetherEndOfMy - as a parent and now a grandparent, I cannot imagine sitting on thousands upon thousands of pounds while my children or grandchild was struggling. And doing that and taunting the struggling grandchild, who is helping me with my shopping etc? That is simply cruel and I cannot imagine a loving grandparent doing it.

My DF is this and I feel exactly the same. Wonder if it is just the 80/90 year olds? I just cannot imagine not wanting to help my DC's, it's unfathomable

Tell her to refuse her non means tested heating allowance for a start and put it back in the pot for more needy families.

@Safeworkspace nope, it’s just some people are tight-fisted arseholes. There are people like that of all ages. They probably as a bit of dementia starts to set in say more what they have always thought and it gets clearer.

You don’t turn from kind and generous in your 70s to being mean in your 80s.