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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sick of my grandmother and all her money

409 replies

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:42

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

OP posts:
evtheria · 08/02/2023 12:09

SillySalmonX · 08/02/2023 11:12

Gran definitely sounds tone deaf but also as if she is seeking some nice words from you. Perhaps she wants to hear that you think she is a kind person for considering donating some of her money to charity.

If you generally talk about day to day things but don't have much of a loving/caring relationship, she may be (in her own strange way) trying to soften things up a bit between the two of you.

She may have regrets about not 'giving back' to the community over the course of her life, or perhaps she has done so and wants to talk about it and receive a bit of praise from you.

She may also fear that you are only doing things for her because you are hoping to inherit a good sum from her. She is looking for your reaction when she suggests that most of her money will go elsewhere.

You are showing you care about her by doing practical things for her but she probably senses that it's a burden and you may not actually be enjoying her company. That's hard for her. Try to warm her up a bit with your words. Gently steer the conversation to things you can both enjoy talking about together so that your reactions are genuine. Look for opportunities to praise her and tell her she is kind and generous.

You may find she reciprocates, and as things thaw between the two of you her tone deafness may improve.

If not, at least you will have tried to tackle the problem with kindness. I don't like the idea of confronting her directly about it or reducing the amount you do for her or see her.

I was fuming when I read the OP, all for leaving her to it etc as she's clearly trying to get you to 'prove her right' by asking for money, but this comment has made me think.

OP, like someone else has said, try telling her 'I'm not asking for money, but I am asking you for compassion and kindness. You can help me by not making every conversation about a topic that is extremely stressful for me, and frankly quite irrelevant for you. When I come over it's nice to see you*, I don't want to waste time with you thinking about money!'

Whether she changes will then decide if it is best you actually distance yourself from her.

*okay, this is a lie, but it could change!

Carlycat · 08/02/2023 12:13

ABigSpot · 08/02/2023 08:49

We'll just be honest. Say to her that if she keeps talking about money you aren't going to be around as much. That while you are pleased for her you are genuinely struggling and that you need hers to be a pleasant place to be not somewhere where you are always reminded of what you don't have. If you must, reassert you aren't asking for money, just some compassion in what she discusses.

Then if she can't do it you've given her fair warning, no need to feel guilty, and back you step.

This. She sounds really nasty
It's probably a power thing to make her feel superior
I'd have no qualms about telling her straight. Her behaviour is disgraceful

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 12:14

Or does the gran suspect op has her eye on a big inheritance and is there to benefit herself only ?
ie good digger or pretending to care when she doesn’t etc. Its possible. Likely even. Hence the sarky comments, charity donations in her will etc.

PomPomSugar · 08/02/2023 12:17

I haven’t read the full thread so someone else may have mentioned this but could she be testing you? In that she is saying she has money but she will leave it to charity, therefore testing whether your continued support/visits are genuine and not ‘after her money’.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 12:17

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 12:14

Or does the gran suspect op has her eye on a big inheritance and is there to benefit herself only ?
ie good digger or pretending to care when she doesn’t etc. Its possible. Likely even. Hence the sarky comments, charity donations in her will etc.

I always find this sort of thinking really weird. That family has to meet some kind of test before they ‘get your money’. My family will get my money unless there’s a good reason not to leave it (drug addiction etc). Why wouldn’t they? They don’t need to meet some kind of ‘deserving’ or ‘purity of intention’ test, they’re family Confused

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/02/2023 12:17

She should start giving some of it away asap, after taking professional advice on Inheritance Tax Planning. Otherwise the tax man will take a big chunk when she dies, 40% of anything over the Inheritance Tax Threshold.

We had to explain this to my DF, it was awkward, but he did start passing some of it on, and lived more than 7 years after the gifts.

What do your GM's offspring think? They should be the ones approaching her about this.

smileladiesplease · 08/02/2023 12:18

How horrible she sounds op. Normal people would love to help their children snd grandchildren. Agree stop doing things for her tell her you had to up your hours

Eightiesgirl · 08/02/2023 12:20

@Untitledsquatboulder because he's 94 and we are the only family he has. Before my husband became ill he looked after him but now he can't and its just fallen on me. I've been brought up to look after family, its just in me. I've told him I'll arrange a cleaner for him as I can't do it anymore, I have my own health issues, but he's too tight to pay anyone. I actually will end up walking away from all the responsibility of him and, as a previous poster suggested, get him a social care assessment but he'll have an absolute fit.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 12:25

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/02/2023 12:17

She should start giving some of it away asap, after taking professional advice on Inheritance Tax Planning. Otherwise the tax man will take a big chunk when she dies, 40% of anything over the Inheritance Tax Threshold.

We had to explain this to my DF, it was awkward, but he did start passing some of it on, and lived more than 7 years after the gifts.

What do your GM's offspring think? They should be the ones approaching her about this.

Given her age and possible health problems she would need to be very careful about giving anything away. Should she need full time care, social services may view this as deprivation of assets to avoid care home fees and in some cases they may press for gifts to be repaid.

custardbear · 08/02/2023 12:30

My in laws are like this, though more generous at times, so I am not complaining, but they don't get it!

It's like Tory MPs who have huge wealth - they also don't get it

Merlott · 08/02/2023 12:32

@JudgeRudy oh my days I laughed so hard. Excellent black humour. My brain just doesn't work that way so I can't come up with these sorts of things. I can imagine the shock and confusion on nasty gran while she tries to work out what's going on. Taste of her own medicine!

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 12:33

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 12:17

I always find this sort of thinking really weird. That family has to meet some kind of test before they ‘get your money’. My family will get my money unless there’s a good reason not to leave it (drug addiction etc). Why wouldn’t they? They don’t need to meet some kind of ‘deserving’ or ‘purity of intention’ test, they’re family Confused

Show quote history

I agree it’s strange but maybe people have taken advantage of her? Or she doesn’t trust op for some reason? Or senses she isn’t genuine?

Jacqueline1985 · 08/02/2023 12:34

underneaththeash · 08/02/2023 08:44

Tell her - gran I'm really struggling, could one of the charities you give your money to, be me please.

This ☝️

Elleviss · 08/02/2023 12:37

Time Granny had a reality check.
You have nothing to lose by asking for help. If she refuses you know what to do!

icelolly12 · 08/02/2023 12:37

Apart from the money does she have any redeeming qualities or characteristics? Do you get anything out of your visits to her? If not then let her pay for Carers and Home help and leave her to it.

Derbee · 08/02/2023 12:37

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:46

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

Show quote history

Tell her, maybe she will help. If/When she says people should earn their own money etc etc tell her that selfish old women should get their own shopping.

Everyonehasavoice · 08/02/2023 12:38

Dishwashersaurous · 08/02/2023 08:45

That's really tough.

Either she is ignorant about how she is being or she's doing it on purpose.

I would simply say to her that she will need to pay someone to drop her shopping and whatever jobs you do for her. And that you can't do it because you need to work to pay the bills.

Agree dishwashersaurous
Just because she’s elderly does not mean she has a right to be so inconsiderate

You're struggling enough without having to put up with this
If she has so much money she should pay for her shopping deliveries etc

Blossomtoes · 08/02/2023 12:40

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 12:25

Given her age and possible health problems she would need to be very careful about giving anything away. Should she need full time care, social services may view this as deprivation of assets to avoid care home fees and in some cases they may press for gifts to be repaid.

Show quote history

If she’s got as much money as OP says she has social services will never get anywhere near her finances. She’s got enough to pay for several years of gold plated residential care.

inappropriateraspberry · 08/02/2023 12:41

She's mean, vindictive and knows exactly what she's doing. I would cut contact. If she's so loaded she can pay for someone else to do her shopping for her!

gogohmm · 08/02/2023 12:42

Be honest say you are really struggling so really don't know about investing etc say you have maxed out your credit card/overdraft/ had to go to the food bank. Be honest but don't ask

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 08/02/2023 12:44

YANBU. It would wind me up

JavaQ · 08/02/2023 12:51

ButterCrackers · 08/02/2023 09:13

She can pay for a carer for the care you give her. Tell her that you have to do extra for bills and to pay for food so you don’t have the time available to visit. Contact local care agencies and get them in contact with your grandmother.

This. 100%

social calls only, at a time that suits you.

💐

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 08/02/2023 12:54

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:46

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

Show quote history

As others have said, she's getting a handout from YOU.
I dare you to say that!
Some people are so greedy.
Your gran's mindset is also my Tory family's mindset. So frustrating, especially as my disability can't permit me to work.

Carlycat · 08/02/2023 12:55

Teaandtoast3 · 08/02/2023 10:33

Id just be straight up about it. “Gran I don’t appreciate you rubbing your wealth in my face. You know I’m struggling. Please stop or I will leave.”

👏👏👏

Farmageddon · 08/02/2023 13:02

Some people are just weird about money. I think if people grew up in poverty, there is a terrible fear of losing it all, even if they have loads.

My uncle probably has hundreds of thousands in the bank, yet he claims poverty all the time and never spends it on anything (hence the loads of money I guess), it's just his mindset. He gets annoyed that he doesn't qualify for things like a medical card (because he has too much money), and seems to resent when other people buy expensive things, but he could too he just chooses not to. Everything he buys is cheap or second hand.
I would love for him to just enjoy his money more, and make his life more comfortable.

A lot of his accumulated wealth comes from the fact that he has a gold plated civil service pension and never had to pay rent or mortgage in his whole life - he went off to the airforce at 19 or whatever, and then when he came back he lived at home until my granny died. My dad and him inherited the house, which was paid off at that stage - and my dad signed the house over to him.

I get saving for a rainy day, but he's 79 years old - it's raining now!