Sick of my grandmother and all her money

[TetherEndOfMy]

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

I mean, I am probably never going to have anything of any worth, but if I did, I would want to see my children and grandchildren enjoying it.

Hoarding money wouldn’t make me happy. Seeing my children worry a little less and my grandchildren enjoy their lives would bring me pleasure.

Mu dad hoarded money all his life. We never went anywhere, did anything. I mean nothing. I only left the house to go to school. He either worked or sat at home eating beans on toast to save more money, wouldn’t even spend on eating anything nice.

It was all for me for when he was dead. He used to see me struggle at times but would show me how much he had in savings. I could have a nice life when he was dead, that was his reasoning.

What he didn’t foresee was getting dementia. It’s almost all gone on care home fees now.

We could have had a much nicer life when I was young, had fun together, has memories other than him being a skinflint. But now I have none of those and he can’t leave me anything either.

Its sad, really.

Just tell her that you're struggling and while your very happy she's comfortable you can't talk about money with her, and you don't want to hear about it as it's difficult.
I have a friend like this, just retired with a pension worth £60k a year, several houses, and moaning that she may have to get a job to make up the 'shortfall' between the old salary and her pension. She lives alone, no dependents unless you count the dog. Constantly sayng how hard it is being a landlord but if she sells a house she'll be taxed etc.
I'm avoiding her now as I can't listen to it anymore. I know she's lonely and unhappy so this stealth boasting about her money makes her feel better about herself, but there's only so much you can listen to someone going on about something all the time.

So why is she asking about charities, is she going to donate only to those which don’t give ‘handouts’?

Gosh this is awful. Imagine being blessed to have that much money and NOT passing it onto your family?

Surely you could do both a sizeable charity donation and also benefit your relatives.

mind boggles why she is talking to you about it! Her will is her business.

This was my parents

i was a skint,teenage single mum on benefits (I’m talking food banks,charity and debt) levels of skint

theyd come round just to brag how they’d gone out for a meal that was £400 or they’d just spent 14k cash on a car etc-while I was digging down the back of the sofa for loose change to buy a tin of beans

if I ever begged for help,they’d just laugh at me

They refused to help with the kids-they only spoke to tell me how much money they had or had spent

theyd hold it over my head too-‘do this or you won’t see a penny when we die’

anyway,they firmly believe that women should be housewives/look after older people in their old age-no job for women!career women are not ‘real women’ (my mother works but that’s different)

if you own a penis,you are too godly to lower yourself to wiping arses-no matter who’s arse it is your wiping

slowly i inched up life,got a job and worked my way up-I was a bad mother and they didn’t lift a finger to help

they had a shock when i went nc with them-they have enough money to pay someone to wipe their arses for them or my brothers will have to lower themselves,as I’m not doing it

what goes around,comes around-they refused to help me-I refuse to help them

(disclaimer-it’s their money to spend as they see fit-but to come round just to brag was tasteless-I’d give my children my last penny if it made their lives easier)

@wellpaddedintherear my mum had a friend a few years younger than her who got pregnant at 16. Her boyfriend had to leave school, marry her (it was the 70s) and get a job to support his family. They were obviously completely skint for many years.

My mum was always incredibly judgemental against her parents. They were loaded, the boy’s family weren’t and weren’t in a position to help financially. People talked about it.

So people will quietly pearl clutch at their behaviour however upstanding they think they are for making you ‘stand on your own two feet’.

@wellpaddedintherear no disclaimer needed - I really admire you for NC. My parents did exactly the same to me (exactly the same things, it’s goosebumpy actually), im NC with my mum but LW with my dad (they’re divorced), I can’t go NC as he lives too close for comfort and ‘pops’ by whenever he wants and my kids enjoy the relationship (not that there is a solid one, but it’s all they know). Just wanted to say good for you! I bet you feel better for it ultimately.

I’ll never have their levels of money but I’m happy with what I do have

i have a dp,kids and friends that love me-i own my own home and have what’s important

they have sweet fuck all-my brothers only bother with them both because they’ll never have to do the looking after them and they are just waiting for them to die so they can get their hands on their wills-and the money that comes with that

i know 100% that I’ve been written out-I don’t care

i don’t need their blood money

what I’ve got,I’ve worked for-it’s been a long slog but I owe nobody nothing

they are not my problem (yet I’d drop everything for my in-laws who are amazing-with them,it’s a two way street-I know if I’d known them then,they would have done anything to help me and I adore them)

I would give my grandchildren my last penny,she sounds a horrible woman,let her pay somebody to do her shopping.

I wouldn't ask her for money. If she is nasty it gives her the chance to say NO.
If she is nice but 'doesn't believe in helping grandkids' she'll say no & upset you.
I'd say: 'Gran I love coming to see you & helping you.
But I am really really struggling for money & need to work more hours so you'll need to arrange someone to help with your shopping as I can't afford as much free time now'

Start invoicing her for everything you do for her. If she asks why tell her 'well Gran you're so keen on people making their own way and not asking for handouts, so I'm now charging for being your home help!' Sorry but I don't think your Gran is being ignorant, I find it hard to believe anyone can be that ignorant! Talking about all her wealth while knowing you're struggling is just bloody mean!

Age has nothing to do with it. Lots of older people expect the female family members to look after them for free and kick off when they are told “no”.

It’s different when your commitment comes out of love and relationship you have and not just out of ill perceived “duty”.

You already have your own health issues, how much longer will you be able to care for him? He has options and funds to outsource some of tasks like cleaning, he chooses not to. He’s got you running round him in circles for free.

Bear in mind that more of your energy you spend on your FIL less you have for your DH.

Frank discussion is needed- FIL needs to pay for some of the services to somebody and lessen your burden as your DH needs you more.

In a similar way, people work hard and invest in their friendships and relationships throughout their lives. Those people can be called on in time of need for support. Begs the question - why is she reliant on you and your guilt? Was she not careful to nurture independent relationships? Sounds pretty “entitled” to me 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry you're struggling
GM is cruel and is getting a kick out of taunting you
I would say you just don't have time now you need to work more hours
If she objects tell her to contact an agency for help
Don't give her another chance to hurt you

I can understand people being mean with their money in fall out situation.
But people taunting their children they don't think they have fallen out with is bizarre.

I envy the family that actually looks after each other and pays for each others dc to be level and helps each other out.

Both sets of parents were like that with us. No emotional or financial support. We struggled so hard with a young family, ill health and a child with a disability. DH dad has died and basically they lost all of their money. DH mum suddenly wants to be involved but you reap what you sow. My kids aren’t interested either
My parent favours my sibling and always has- she has never given me anywhere near the level of support she gives my non working sibling. Interestingly when my mum had a fall and needed care for a broken ankle, my sibling was absolutely furious that I didn’t take time off and help snd it was all left to her.
I honestly think in these cases you can’t expect love and support from your family, but neither can they expect to receive it back

The guilt of you struggling to pay the bills isn’t getting to her.

She could help you out without harming her own happiness but isn’t.

On the other hand you are sacrificing time that could be used to work or study to help her. You are actively making yourself worse off to benefit her and she’s repaying you by deliberately behaving in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself.

It’s clear she already values herself and doesn’t value you. You need to value yourself instead of her.

It seems so mean, I would just be honest with her. Gran I’m struggling to pay my bills & survive and all you seem to want to talk about is how much money you have? Why ?

it seems really strange that she wouldn’t want to to share it with you & make sure you & your child / children are taken care off! My wee granny is 85 and wouldn’t dream of being like that x

Time to keep your visits just social as she can afford to pay for carers and you just be a granddaughter visiting for pleasure. However if it doesn’t bring you pleasure then it sucks but stop going round as it’s not like you need to keep her sweet to get money in the will.

does she actually have this money or is it make believe? If she can manage all her investments then she can figure her way around an online shop and pay for a cleaner.

What I would say in this situation? I don't know but I think I wouldn't have as much patience as you do. At some point I'd say, gran, you know I struggle with money. I don't want yours but please would you stop throwing your wealth in my face every time I come visit you? I'm really not enjoying this and I find coming to visit you harder and harder each time.
Never be afraid you'll offend family. Family is family. If there is something to be said, say it.

She sounds vile.

Maybe distance a bit since tone deaf to your financial problems whilst boasting about and sharing how much money she has laying around/going spare etc.

@wellpaddedintherear

Brilliant. Exactly what I would do too.

Give her advice, tell her she can't take it with her so spend it on herself.
Ask her if she's up to babysit as you need to work.
Empty your kitchen and invite her round and make tea using the value tea bags, nothing wrong with them,I prefer value beans.
Don't forget to sniff the milk to make sure it's still fresh.
Get someone to knock on the door and say you can't answer the door it might be the TV licence people (you can't afford the TV licence)
Really show her, if she keeps chatting about money, ask her to stop as it's upsetting that your child can't go on a school trip because you can't afford it.
It took my mum seeing my son running after his friends (they all had bikes and we couldn't afford one)
For the penny to drop and she brought him a bike, sometimes they talk but don't hear, so you have to make them see.

Christ she sounds awful. My Nan was really, really poor but she would have gave me her last pound. Infact she often did. I am so confused. Why wouldn’t she want to help you out? She sounds insufferable…. And mean.