Page 7 | Sick of my grandmother and all her money

TetherEndOfMy · 2023-02-08T08:42:41+00:00

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

Iwantabloodypizza · 08/02/2023 11:27

Dh grandmother is like this.

Only she made him count all the money she’s got stuffed away in the house, again and again. Thousands and thousands in £50 notes and says “I bet you wish you had just one of these notes!”

He doesn’t visit her anymore, she’s 98 now and just vile in so many ways. His sister asked her for help once when she was really struggling and had been made redundant and she chucked some notes on the fire and said she would rather do that than lend out any.

Nasty old witch bitches to FIL constantly about her ungrateful grandchildren who don’t visit. It’s not even about the money, she can bloody keep it, it’s the nastiness.

She’s left all her money, her bank savings and her two houses to Cats Protection in her will.

The joke is, she fucking hates Cats. She’s always had dogs and used to have a pile of rocks in her garden to throw at any poor cat that wandered in. She’s only done it to annoy people from beyond the grave.

MsRosley · 08/02/2023 11:27

Not very nice is she?! Well if she thinks people should be self sufficient and not rely on others, surely that goes both ways and she shouldn’t be relying on you to get her shopping.

Nailed it. She's a rich hypocrite.

Octopusmittens · 08/02/2023 11:30

underneaththeash · 08/02/2023 08:44

Tell her - gran I'm really struggling, could one of the charities you give your money to, be me please.

This

Dogscanteatonions · 08/02/2023 11:33

Iwantabloodypizza · 08/02/2023 11:27

Dh grandmother is like this.

Only she made him count all the money she’s got stuffed away in the house, again and again. Thousands and thousands in £50 notes and says “I bet you wish you had just one of these notes!”

He doesn’t visit her anymore, she’s 98 now and just vile in so many ways. His sister asked her for help once when she was really struggling and had been made redundant and she chucked some notes on the fire and said she would rather do that than lend out any.

Nasty old witch bitches to FIL constantly about her ungrateful grandchildren who don’t visit. It’s not even about the money, she can bloody keep it, it’s the nastiness.

She’s left all her money, her bank savings and her two houses to Cats Protection in her will.

The joke is, she fucking hates Cats. She’s always had dogs and used to have a pile of rocks in her garden to throw at any poor cat that wandered in. She’s only done it to annoy people from beyond the grave.

Wow that is next level vile!!

starfishmummy · 08/02/2023 11:37

Mindymomo · 08/02/2023 08:55

My father in law was like this, when I did his shopping around £40 he would offer £25. I soon told him it cost £40 and gave him the receipt. He did leave us everything in his will though. Can you claim carers allowance if you are doing things for her, she may get attendance allowance but that would be paid to her. It’s a shame she thinks like she does, but I expect she’s not alone.

There are earning limits with Carers allowance. If the OP earms more than £132 a week (£139 from april) then she wouldn't be entitled.

Eightiesgirl · 08/02/2023 11:38

@Highdaysandholidays1 I gave up work to look after my disabled husband not my Father in law. I would not have given up my job to look after father in law 3 days a week. My husband is severely disabled and now needs constant care. Father in law just makes use of me as he knows I'm now at home.

Kennykenkencat · 08/02/2023 11:39

Thea91 · 08/02/2023 09:02

My Dad is like this and it is so bizarre. He is extremely wealthy, talking many millions.
Everyone all his friends etc assume he bought me my house outright, never even gave me anything to the deposit. I actually think he would see me homeless rather than help me with morgtatge payments if I ever struggled. He always tells me about the lavish lifestyle him , his wife, step daughter and other daughter (who I love very much) have . Last week when I spoke to him he told me he had just bought a 200k watch . It's bizarre. I'm lucky I am not struggling and live quite comfortably, but he would not help if I was .
My brothers don't speak to him haven't for many years.
My dad was self made so I think he wants us to work hard . Which we all do but a hand wouldn't go a miss 🤣.
I understand how you feel . Don't feel guilty if you need to cut her off for your own mental well-being.

The problem with being a child of someone who is self made who doesn’t give you a penny is you don’t get anything from them and people pass you over for help because you have rich parents.

Fine being self made but unless you are going to recreate the same circumstances for your children don’t expect the same is going to happen again.

The whole point of making money is to create a good life for you and your children and so your children can have that step up so they don’t have to do those years of struggling.
(Although I think it has gone too far in some industries. The nepotism in tv and films is getting to the point of, oh he’s a new actor, who is he related to in order to get this part, quick Google to find famous or well known relative).

If you are going to treat your children like they are poor urchins from the street who should hustle for their money whilst housing them in a great house in a posh neighbourhood and telling them they can’t hustle for their money and putting other restrictions on to what they can or cannot do because it reflects badly on them and is out of sync with their peers it isn’t going to work out well.

Itdjgsurchg · 08/02/2023 11:39

Do you think it’s a test? Is she insecure, thinking you are just helping her to get her money when she’s gone? She sounds very mean. I wouldn’t bite or ask for money.

Mari9999 · 08/02/2023 11:40

Perhaps , she talks about the only subject over which she has any control. Obviously, she must be somewhat physically restricted if she needs you to shop for her.

What subjects do you introduce into the conversation? Why not simply sat " Gran, let's not talk about money anymore " ?

If you are spending time with her because you care about her it should be easy enormous to tell her that you want to talk about something other than money.

In her mid 80's, she may not have much control over her body or be able to handle her home as well as dshe once did. Thinking about and making plans to shift and settle her money may be the last vestige of control that she has.

Your financial woes should not factor into your relationship with your elderly grand parent.

It you are spending time with her in the hope that she may assist with your finances , it does not seem as though that expectation is going to be realized anytime soon.

Decide what it is that you are willing to do solely out of love for your grandmother and then do only those things.

blondiepigtails · 08/02/2023 11:41

Sounds like there's a whopping great Inheritance tax bill coming her way too!

Zipps · 08/02/2023 11:41

First thought was that she hasn't earned it.
Some people want to die millionaires.
Some people like to rub other people's noses in how much they have.
When you have loads of money but can't be generous to your loved ones you are very poor indeed.
Tell her about all the generous older people who share their good fortune and say
"Imagine being related to someone so kind, giving and generous"

purpledalmation · 08/02/2023 11:42

Tell her straight. I find it a daily struggle financially, but I can cope, I'm not asking you for money, however your constant talk of how much you have and don't need, is upsetting me. Please can you not talk to me about money.

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/02/2023 11:48

Eightiesgirl · 08/02/2023 10:29

We have the same things with FIL. He is absolutely loaded, he literally has thousands just sat in his current account, yet my dh, his son, is disabled and cannot work, we have struggled financially over the last 4 years, dh losing his job through Ill health, me giving up work to be his full time carer, having to sell our home to survive etc Also, our ds, his only grandchild is in uni and typically student poor. I know its FILs money and it's his choice but a small handout would be much appreciated. Instead, he tuts about student debt, the cost of living, asks us how on earth we all manage, he'd hate to be in our position etc whilst handing over his bank card at church every Sunday (yes, forget the collection plate, its been replaced by a card machine). Then if tradespeople call he tips them and taxi drivers massively. I go round at least 3 times a week, do his cleaning, sort out his meals, sort his admin, appointments etc give him lifts, bring him back here for tea one day a week. A couple of hundred quid would make a massive difference to our lives but I darent ask him, it makes me determined to always help out my son, future grandchildren, if I can afford it.

But why do you run around after him? If you like him, just go see him - he can pay for his own care and errands.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 11:50

Intrepidescape · 08/02/2023 09:58

So she hasn’t done her will yet?

Set up a trust and put you as its beneficiary. Suggest your grandma give the money to the trust before her death. Tell her the trust is for single mothers to help with the cost of living. Just don’t tell her you’re the single mother.

Your grandma is awful and she is using you - but won’t even help you out financially.

You want money you’re going to have to think like a rich person and be utterly ruthless.

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I’m assuming this is tongue in cheek !! On a more serious note, If she’s 84 and showing any sign of ill health (sounds like possible onset of dementia given her behaviour) it’s too late to do a trust and even money willed to people won’t mean anything if she has to go into care. If Social Services suspect that someone has given away funds at a time when there is a reasonable expectation that they will require care, they will regard it as deprivation of assets and assess as though they still have those funds. They can investigate financial transactions as far back as they need to if they suspect assets have been given away to avoid care fees.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 11:54

IHaveNoSoul · 08/02/2023 09:16

The next time you do her shopping tell her it will be the last time and that seeing that she has so much money she can pay a Care Company to do it as you need to pick up extra hours for your ever increasing bills etc
Offer to set it up for her so that you're not completely washing your hands of the situation then deal with anything via phone/email so that you're in control

She’d need lasting power of attorney to do this, and her grandmother would need to have lost the capacity to deal with her own affairs.

billy1966 · 08/02/2023 11:55

What an awful person to have in your life.

You poor woman.

Stop visiting and stop all contact.

Do not put yourself through this any more.

Block her number and be done with it.

With her money she can pay for help.

She is disordered and is getting a kick out of this.

You cannot change her, so step away and live your best life.

She is a sad ugly person and you cannot change that about someone.

Teateaandmoretea · 08/02/2023 11:57

I’m assuming this is tongue in cheek !! On a more serious note, If she’s 84 and showing any sign of ill health (sounds like possible onset of dementia given her behaviour) it’s too late to do a trust and even money willed to people won’t mean anything if she has to go into care. If Social Services suspect that someone has given away funds at a time when there is a reasonable expectation that they will require care, they will regard it as deprivation of assets and assess as though they still have those funds.

This is true, but you are allowed to gift 3k per year to individuals. Plus she could let the OP get some of her shopping at the same time as her own. She could pay the OP for what she does for her. That would help the OP a lot. She isn’t expecting her to hand it all over.

OP meanness is a very unpleasant characteristic. You sound lovely and she’s taking advantage of you.

OopsAnotherOne · 08/02/2023 11:58

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 11:54

She’d need lasting power of attorney to do this, and her grandmother would need to have lost the capacity to deal with her own affairs.

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You don't need to have lost capacity for a Property & Financial Affairs Lasting Power of Attorney if it has been drafted so it can be used as soon as it has been registered, regardless of whether or not the donor has capacity. It would still need to be set up by the donor while they still have capacity though.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 12:02

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 08/02/2023 09:29

Tell her you think people should pay for help and not expect handouts of time and assistance from their grandchildren.

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This. All day long.

Velvetween · 08/02/2023 12:02

OP I think you should tell her like this…

“DGran, I’m really struggling with bills etc and I find it especially hard when I visit and you talk about all the money you have at your disposal. Can we agree not to talk about money/bills etc and keep our chat to other subject matters?
I enjoy our catch ups but I find talking about money stressful and hope you can understand”

If she asks about charity donations, suggest she gets advice from someone in a more similar position to herself, who has more relatable experience.

If you need to make it clear you don’t expect a handout then do. If she keeps this up then she will be well aware of the reason when your visits dry up.

saraclara · 08/02/2023 12:04

OopsAnotherOne · 08/02/2023 11:58

You don't need to have lost capacity for a Property & Financial Affairs Lasting Power of Attorney if it has been drafted so it can be used as soon as it has been registered, regardless of whether or not the donor has capacity. It would still need to be set up by the donor while they still have capacity though.

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Yes, my mum has capacity, but as she is largely paralysed after a massive stroke, she finds it hard to deal with life admin.
My brother and I have POA which we can use with her permission, which means that her bank etc will deal directly with us.

Having a lasting power of attorney allows you to act for the person before they lose capacity, but with their knowledge.

Supersimkin2 · 08/02/2023 12:06

Granny’s getting a kick out of this.

Iwantabloodypizza · 08/02/2023 12:06

Dogscanteatonions · 08/02/2023 11:33

Wow that is next level vile!!

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I do totally admire her commitment to carrying on a lifetime of being an absolute bitch for the sake of it (according to PIL), to beyond the grave though.

Now that’s a lesson in seeing things through.

katseyes7 · 08/02/2023 12:07

My mother was like this. I think with her, it was a 'power' thing.
I was divorced, working shifts, and only just keeping my head above water.
She'd say stuff like "I can't spend my money, l can't enjoy it" because she wouldn't go anywhere. Every time l, or one of the family took her anywhere, she didn't like it, complained constantly, "there was nothing for me there."
She'd say to me "Well you know, katseyes, you've got that car...." l had a tiny runaround which was essential for me, I worked shifts and weekends. I couldn't have got to work without it.
She didn't 'earn' any of 'her' money. She gave up work when she had me (only child), the money was what my dad had earned, or they'd inherited.
She'd say "Well, you'll get it when l'm gone...." which l did. But as my cousin commented, "I can't believe she let you pay interest on your mortgage for years when she had enough in the bank to pay it off, and enough for her to be comfortable. I'd want to help my kids out."
I think l'd be doing what someone else suggested, OP. Either tell her it's vulgar to talk about money, or ask her how exactly she 'earned' her money.
I still suspect it's a power thing, though. Some people revel in that.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 12:08

OopsAnotherOne · 08/02/2023 11:58

You don't need to have lost capacity for a Property & Financial Affairs Lasting Power of Attorney if it has been drafted so it can be used as soon as it has been registered, regardless of whether or not the donor has capacity. It would still need to be set up by the donor while they still have capacity though.

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Sorry, yes, you’re right, I should have pointed that out, but my main point was that if the OP wanted to be in control she would need an LPA. Problem with drafting it to be used immediately is that if granny is so obsessed with her money it’s doubtful she’d agree to someone having control over it while she was able herself !!