Sick of my grandmother and all her money

[TetherEndOfMy]

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

I hope you are okay @TetherEndOfMy

I would not be playing into these power plays. I would take round a long list of charities and enthusiastically talk through the virtues of each one. She’s being really mean and revelling in making you feel poor OP.

I'm not sticking up for her but maybe she is worried about if she has to go into a home. If she has dementia or something similar and wasn't eligible for NHS continuing healthcare then it could cost all of her money. (I know it depends what the latest government policy is, where you live and how long she lives etc etc)
I had a quick google and found one costing 93,000 pounds a year and there is plenty of talk about how care homes are putting up prices . 🫤 If she thinks people should pay for themselves then maybe she want sto hang on to her money in case she needs it.

Wishful thinking but could she be testing you...? Intent to pass it on all along but wants to see how you'd react by telling you crazy shit?

I think when she said about ‘paying for yourself’ she meant ‘other people’. That’s my usual experience anyway - pensioners who look upon the rest of the country as scroungers but simultaneously expect everything for free and squirrel their money away because they’ve ‘paid tax all their lives’.

I think I’d politely ask her to stop talking about money because it’s a difficult subject for you and it makes you feel sad. If she asks for details explain that you don’t want to go into details, youre not after any help but you don’t want to think about money

Or just change the topic every time she brings up money. Be swift and consistent and random and ask an off topic question if necessary ‘oh what’s this flower growing here’ ‘did you see Caroline for supper’ ‘did you hear about the plans for the new bus route?’

@Cuppasoupmonster
I think when she said about ‘paying for yourself’ she meant ‘other people’. That’s my usual experience anyway - pensioners who look upon the rest of the country as scroungers but simultaneously expect everything for free and squirrel their money away because they’ve ‘paid tax all their lives

this!
just don’t get me started! DM lives in a £1mil mortgage free house, hasn’t worked for 27 years, lives very comfortably on DFs (deceased) pension and doesn’t think she is well off.

OP, if your DHM has so much money stop investing your time in her for anything other than pleasantries. She can pay people to do her domestic drudge.

@Skodacool she can give it to the donkey sanctuary . Apparently it’s the biggest benefactor in wills in the south west 😱. Personally I have no idea why anyone would donate to a donkey sanctuary!

She feels people shouldn't ask for handouts but she's taking your free labor to take her on her errands so she doesn't have to (spend any of her own money to) hire someone to do it. The time you spend on her errands is time you could be spending with your children, or working for your own income, or resting so that you don't get worn out by the rigors of being a lone parent. She's awful.

She sounds like an arsehole! Tell her to pay for someone to deliver her shopping etc. she’s completely insensitive - call her out!

You need to tell her how nasty she is being. That is disgraceful. Why on earth would she not help you. If she doesn't help you after telling her your situation cut her off

This. 100 per cent

I would say this to her :

Gran, I love you. But I am really struggling for money with this cost of living crisis - and whilst I would never ask you for a penny, it’s really starting to make me uncomfortable that you talk to openly about what you have and what you plan to do with it. I’m happy to continue helping you with groceries etc but only on the condition that you stop discussing your finances with me as It is none of my business’

hopefully that helps?

Sounds like she is goading you.

I always find with people like this, it's best to be politely honest. My MIL is this way (not about money) and I'm always upfront with her if I'm offended as it means I don't fester and I set my boundaries. If she continues the conversation day after day, you can always go back to your initial conversation and say, 'Gran, I told you that makes me uncomfortable. Let's change the subject.'

My grandma was tight as hell when she was alive, choosing to sit in the dark and cold rather than heating her house, but she left the money she saved to family when she died. I think for her it was a genuine concern that she would run out of money as she and she certainly didn’t have the amounts you are talking about.

My MIL on the other hand is obsessed with money and constantly talks about how much she has and her ‘investments’. She has also told us that she won’t be leaving it to us. She has a warped idea about money so randomly said the other day to other people that ‘we (her son, me and our kids) are probably off skiing at half term’. We had just been talking about how expensive life is at the moment and how we were not having a holiday this year. And we have never been skiing. It was so random. She likes to appear generous so talks about how she has to help us by buying school uniform etc but will offer and then forget to give us the money. The worst example of this is when she told us to get a new sofa as ours was old and uncomfortable and she would pay. We were happy with the existing sofa but went along with it as she was quite insistent. Ordered a new sofa and she never gave us the money for it!

Let him be buried with his £200 watches in his multi million pound house, if these things make him happier than doing something kind/generous for his children (and probably grandchildren too). Your brothers have done well to go NC. It's not about the money but how he treats his supposed loved ones.

@TetherEndOfMy So, where is her child? Your mum or dad? Why aren't they doing her shopping? Why aren't they pulling their weight and visiting her? Any other DGC around?

That’s mean - it would be my a lot of pleasure to give you money and help you if you were my grandchild and I had that much.

It would give me a lot of pleasure I meant

This is my MIL. Would happily help out anyone who was struggling and needs a loan but also likes to tell anyone who will listen that she gave sue a loan of £££. Isn’t she lovely lol

Be hnest with her. Tell her you want to sart a business and she can help and for security for your child. Keep doing her shopping and advising her on things. You are lucky to have a grandmother and its only when you lost family you realise how silly things we worry about are.

I’m going to put this out there, your grandmother sounds like a narcissist. My mother is the same, so tone deaf with no empathy. Helping a family member in true need is not giving handouts that contribute towards entitlement. My parents are wealthy, from selling a company close to their retirement. We were normal middle class growing up. I’ve been in similar situation as you, completely broke, talking about it just to talk about the stress and never offered a dime from my mother. Meanwhile my dad was literally like, how much do you need. I think most adults find it embarrassing to flat out ask for money. I mean I was working and I’m not extravagant. So I couldn’t bring myself to ask (this was years ago). But a ‘normal’ family member would realize what you’re really saying and talk to you about it. That’s what my dad did. I would honestly not talk to your grandmother about your finances. My dad said to me, why would I keep my money to handover when I die, when I can give it now and see the wonderful things you can do with it. He is generous but not ridiculous, if that makes sense. My mother, however, sees all of their money as ‘theirs’ and wouldn’t give a cent to any of her kids or grandkids.

Tell her straight.

"Please don't talk about money, as you know I am struggling. I feel like you are taunting me by saying you are giving it away to charities . On that subject as well, doing these caring responsibilities for you has shown me there is money to be earned doing these tasks, so I will be charging for my time in future. I'm sure you won't have a problem that "

@TetherEndOfMy

she seems rather unkind