Mil treating baby like a doll

[tiaandduck]

I know I'm probably bu. Mil has been annoying me recently and I don't know if I'm just feeling over protective or possessive of dd or what the problem actually is but she's grating on me.

She has this obsession about taking my baby out in the pram alone. She is always asking to come round to push the pram. She doesn't want me there.
Dd is sometimes a bit fussy in the pram and prefers the carrier and it's always been raining when she comes round, so I put her off as dd doesn't like the rain cover either. She's a bit fussy just now in general.
Sure enough though, mil has been asking to make plans so she can come and take dd out in the pram so I can have a break. Even though I've never asked for or needed a break.
The second thing is she keeps buying her these impractical dresses that are a bit full on party style...we don't go to parties and she grows out of them too quick to wear them. Her wardrobe is bursting at the seams with dresses she has never worn...as well as a furry white coat.
She keeps saying she's buying her designer stuff, has bought her converse which she just kicks off her feet. She keeps buying designer things in her taste and I prefer rompers, baby grows or a little top and leggings set.
She keeps saying she wants some gran time alone with the baby, but I just don't like being away from her just now. Maybe that's my issue. She is a fussy baby which is maybe why I don't want people to have her, incase they mess up my routine with her.
She has a boyfriend she's been seeing a few months now and he also keeps buying dd outfits.
I dunno if im just being overly sensitive or if she's been overbearing.

Firstly I’m not gentle parenting 😂

secondly I would say okay, what would you like me to do instead? And actually listen/do it.

Its about the unwillingness to change, not retrospectively judging for things that were done at a time when it was acceptable to do so.

but I just don't need childcare at the moment so I can count on my hands the times I've left him with anyone but myself (bar my husband), just for things like appointments etc
Just about sums it up, really. Back in your box till I need childcare, you old bat.
But when I do, you'll be expected to jump when I click my fingers.

It seems you'll be the type of grandmother who'll have no relationship with their grandchildren even when the mother is crying and asking for some help. Maybe once a year for 5 minutes at Christmas.

But why the need for the pram when the baby doesn’t like it? Why the need to do it without the parent? It’s not what baby wants or needs - this is purely for grandma’s entertainment

I agree with @Cuppasoupmonster that if by the time I have grandkids my own parenting methods are out of date according to the current science, I will adapt accordingly. Why would I take offence at times and thinking changing? All we can do is go by the current research, thinking, expert consensus, whatever.

I'm not going to get personally offended if studies are done in the future showing the way, for example, I weaned my baby was actually damaging and my kids want to do it differently with their baby, because I'm confident that I'm going by the most up-to-date thinking today. That's all I can do!

As expected this thread is full of all the classic tropes e.g.

Alone time! How dare she! <sarcasm>/You'll be begging her for free childcare soon enough/Just wait until you're a MIL! Etc.

Yawn.

I get it OP. I had a very fussy baby who is still particular about being in the pram, so the idea of just popping by and 'taking him out for a walk' in the pram isn't a thing.

His temperament is also heavily influenced by his feeding and napping routine (as are most of my friend's babies), and if either of these are disrupted it'll make for a difficult day and night, which fall onto me. How I have navigated this with family is to let them know when is a good time to visit, and if their visit does end up coinciding with feeding or napping then these take priority. I will literally bundle him up and take him out for walk when it's nap time, and if anyone wants to join me they can, but if not I'll see them in an hour or so.

I don't get the obsession with alone time either, although I only ever read about it on here. Grandparents should wait until both parents are ready for this IMO.

Oh bloody hell, people love adding nonsense like this don't they.

I'm just explaining why they've been alone with him so infrequently - there just has never been a need, so it never comes up.

Where exactly did I say that I'm going to click my fingers and expect childcare when I need it? If they want to help, they can. If they don't, no problem, they don't have to. Everyone's happy!

Lots of babies don't fkg like prams.

They only time they might is when they're sleepy/sleeping.

As op said they vastly prefer carriers.

And being stuck in a pram is bad enough, without having a rain cover over you as well

Gran is lacking empathy for the baby. She's clearly not open to listening properly to op about baby's preferences ... Which are very common preferences.

My dd hated the buggy/pram and esp hated being under a rain cover. Extremely cut off and boring for a baby.

Most babies do very well in carriers and it's the original, natural way (from what I've seen in developing countries) ..... She needs to enter the 21st century. Decent parents and grand parents don't treat babies like dolls and props.

I see this type of comment on these threads all the time and it's so unimaginative.

If I become a MIL in 30 odd years time I will do DS and DIL the decency of doing some research on the latest guidance before telling them how it's done, or spending time alone with GC.

And I'll happily admit if any of the practices from 'my day' are no longer advised.

My mother wanted alone time with my child, which I tried my best to arrange, and then found that this wasn’t enough - she started asking for the child to be happy to spend alone time with her. I couldn’t arrange that!

OK, Nostradamus.

Expecting to or presuming to take someone young baby on your own (even grandparents) is also someone who is simply not being empathetic ...... Parents esp mothers are, by necessity, very strongly bonded to their babies and young kids, might entirely naturally feel uncomfortable (even slightly anxious) about being separated from them. They don't feel particularly comfortable handing them over to someone alone who is si.oly not involved enough in their hour to hour card to know them well and look after them v well.

If a parent asks you for a break and says they desperately want do engine out on their own, by all means - you're doing something lovely ... if they don't, you should presume they don't want someone carrying off their baby on their own and would like to share time with you.

It's, again, presumptious and lacking in empathy.

Zero empathy for the baby removed from their main carer, their familiarity, their smell, their voice as well.

It's stupid, shit behaviour (and fairly selfish underneath it all) leys face it.

This woman needs a reborn, not a real baby whose needs she is clearly oblivious or indifferent to.

Whoops quoted the wrong thing!

How old are you? Because this is exactly what I saw people doing during my own childhood.

Also @CecilyP of course people used babygros, at night. Most baby clothes were made in softer fabric, do you think baby clothes were made out of horsehair? Bizarre.

@CecilyP well MIL is in her early 70s.

She finds breastfeeding ‘odd’, thinks little girls should be dressed constantly in dresses/tights/flowery head bands, that if children aren’t constantly smiling from newborn then they’re ‘grumpy’, that cake and biscuits are a suitable daily snack, and that when overtired or hungry babies cry they should be further distressed by having toys waved in their face and distracted with something on the telly rather than being put down for a nap or fed.

A lot of the MIL complaints on here sound like things the child will absolutely love in years to come. What toddler/small child wouldn't love a grandma that is enthusiastic about seeing them, wants to buy them things, take them out and let them have cake and biscuits! Hopefully that relationship hasn't been suitably prevented by then.

It's also interesting to me that hardly anyone has these same issues with their parents, it always seems to be the MIL? Whilst my partner puts our family first, he has great respect for his mum and would always advocate for her being able to have decent/appropriate access to our baby. If that means her taking baby out in the pram/carrier once in a while, it's hardly too much to ask.

If that means her taking baby out in the pram/carrier once in a while, it's hardly too much to ask.

It is if the baby is fussy in the pram.

I think people forget that babies are actual humans sometimes.

Just smile and thank her for the outfits, and put your baby in them when she visits. That's all she wants! I didn't like being away from mine either so I would just go for walks with my Mil, she always wanted to push the pram as well. If baby isn't happy, have the carrier with you so your mil can see. Let her sit with baby at your house while you potter about doing jobs, that honestly made my difficult mil so happy!!!

So they can do it in years to come 🤷🏼‍♀️ not with a 2 year old who will injure themselves unsupervised, stay up to 10pm because MIL ‘thought they looked tired so let them nap off in front of the TV’ and gives them a huge slice of cake half an hour before a home cooked meal that she knows I am making. It’s all a pain in the arse.

How is the baby going to get used to the pram if it's rarely ever used? But even if that's the case, I included a carrier too. Presumably the parent has a way of moving with their child, is that option not available to anyone else?

Do you think when your child is a parent his wife will sit and write down every single thing you do that she dislikes? All seems quite petty. The child hasn’t been in any danger at all.

@Cuppasoupmonster I get the feeling from all of your posts that you will never be happy for the MIL to enjoy a relationship like that with their grandchild, because you have decided that she is completely incapable of anything. You clearly have very little love, respect or patience for her (which seems to be consolidated by your husband who only seems complain about her too!).

Have you read my posts? We’ve had multiple head bangs, falls and one incident where she got a 1cm splinter wedged firmly in her finger which I then had to pin her down and remove because ‘MIL didn’t have the stomach to do it’. She had been left to cry with this bloody splinter for over an hour as well because MIL was too proud to call me and admit she needed picking up early. She also burned her mouth on hot food, although im more willing to see that as an accident rather than neglectful.

I really don’t believe you would be happy leaving your toddler with MIL given her history. All very well being all cool and zen and c’est la vie when it isn’t your child.