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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have the ‘ick’ for a friend!

180 replies

WetBandits · 07/02/2023 17:41

Been friends with a chap for the last 10 years or so, just want to preface this by saying it’s always been purely platonic; I have no attraction towards him whatsoever so this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy! We’ve always had a very open line of communication and have been through a fair amount of shit between us which we’ve supported one another through so there aren’t really any topics of conversation that are ‘off limits’; discussing sex/relationships/general life shit is pretty normal for us and always has been.

He’s 43 and has been dating a 21 year old woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit as wasn’t sure what on earth they might have in common (she’s 21 and looks it and seems to have her shit together, he’s 43 but could easily be 10 years older than that and is a bit fucked up mentally) but so far I’ve said nothing about it. However, he now regularly jokes about having a hot, young girlfriend and it just makes my stomach turn as he’s giving me real ‘dirty old man’ vibes and I can’t seem to shake it! He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently and the sets he showed me made me cringe as they were far from classy.

Caught up with him this week and he mentioned that GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

WIBU to distance myself a little from him despite everything we’ve seen each other through (addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!) as I can’t shake the ‘creepy old man’ vibes 😩 and I hate that he knows that what he wants in life is incompatible with what she wants, but he won’t end it because he doesn’t want her to find someone else!

Or do I tell him straight that he’s being a prick and stick by him for the inevitable messy breakup?

I adore him (usually) but he’s really given me the ick and I’m so angry with him for stringing his girlfriend along.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 07/02/2023 17:42

Just tell him straight
Or a card...

PollyAmour · 07/02/2023 17:44

Tell him he's being a dirty old git and to find himself a girlfriend of his own age, who doesn't want children. This 21 yo will probably find a hot young lover of her own come the summer and she realises she's hitched her wagon to a middle aged man who buys her cheap scratchy knickers and has a whole shit heap of emotional baggage.

MrsTWH · 07/02/2023 17:50

I’d get the ick from that too.

sacremerde · 07/02/2023 17:53

He sounds a right sexist idiot with the comment about sex being too good for anyone else to have. She's not a possession and her body isn't for any man to 'use'. Gross.

I do wonder whether he's trying to get a rise from you. Esp by showing you lingerie and such.

YANBU. I'm offended by the bloke and I've never even met him.

jtaeapa · 07/02/2023 17:53

Gross and deceitful of him.

Sssshh · 07/02/2023 17:53

I'm on the fence. Yes it's rank, but she's old enough to make her own choices. So who are they harming? He's my age, she's my sons age. I repulses me. But it wouldn't be my business so I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd certainly tell him it gives me the ick though!

Sssshh · 07/02/2023 17:53

*it

jtaeapa · 07/02/2023 17:55

Sssshh · 07/02/2023 17:53

I'm on the fence. Yes it's rank, but she's old enough to make her own choices. So who are they harming? He's my age, she's my sons age. I repulses me. But it wouldn't be my business so I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd certainly tell him it gives me the ick though!

I think he’s harming her really. She wants kids. He doesn’t. Incompatible.

Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 18:00

sacremerde · 07/02/2023 17:53

He sounds a right sexist idiot with the comment about sex being too good for anyone else to have. She's not a possession and her body isn't for any man to 'use'. Gross.

I do wonder whether he's trying to get a rise from you. Esp by showing you lingerie and such.

YANBU. I'm offended by the bloke and I've never even met him.

He wanted advice on what to choose. I told him that absolutely none of his options were nice and sent him some links to some much nicer lingerie, thankfully he took my advice and she liked it!

It’s a real battle for me as I know he is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met most of the time and wouldn’t say something like that to ‘get a rise’ out of me, he has extremely poor self esteem and would probably go to pieces if she dumped him. But as he’s a recovering addict, I know he has that selfish streak hardwired into him still.

OP posts:
anon666 · 07/02/2023 18:00

That would give me the ick.

What is wrong with men and their lust after young women? It's creepy even though fairly common.

Yuk

Sssshh · 07/02/2023 18:00

jtaeapa · 07/02/2023 17:55

I think he’s harming her really. She wants kids. He doesn’t. Incompatible.

Show quote history

Oh yes I didnt catch that bit! Thought he'd said he would have kids with her. He's disgusting

DeeCeeCherry · 07/02/2023 18:06

He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently

Oh please. This creep is not your real friend you've just been feeding his ego in some way. No respect for you either, speaking with you like that and I doubt it's the 1st time. This is a friend you "adore?" I have a very good male friend, no way would he ask me about buying lingerie for his girlfriend etc. Just step off the 'friendship' and leave him to his girlfriend its up to them. No need to hang around to disapprove

Sexypyjamas · 07/02/2023 18:07

A number of issues here,

  1. How would she feel about him asking for lingerie advice from a female friend? If DH did that when he was my bf I wouldn't have been happy.
  2. He's already being possessive, if I can't have her, I don't want anyone else to have her. She isn't his property.
  3. He's not thinking with his head, more his dick. With regard to having more kids, how it might affect relationship with tween. Isn't it a bit soon too? Not so much the big age gap being the issue but his attitude.
Suprima · 07/02/2023 18:10

Showing you lingerie he’s going to buy her?
that’s inappropriate and not normal, even if he is only asking for ‘advice’

you’ve got your blinkers on. I suspect he’s always been a creep and you just haven’t noticed

no man his age dating a 21 year old (who clearly has her own self esteem problems to be dating him) is a nice man

Suprima · 07/02/2023 18:14

DeeCeeCherry · 07/02/2023 18:06

He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently

Oh please. This creep is not your real friend you've just been feeding his ego in some way. No respect for you either, speaking with you like that and I doubt it's the 1st time. This is a friend you "adore?" I have a very good male friend, no way would he ask me about buying lingerie for his girlfriend etc. Just step off the 'friendship' and leave him to his girlfriend its up to them. No need to hang around to disapprove

This with Christmas bells on

i believe that men and women can be friends and have a pure, platonic friendship.

However- some men seek out female friends to feed their ego and enjoy female energy. They will surround themselves with supporting actresses to triangulate and creep on. Or to give them ‘cred’ with potential lovers. Their female friends don’t often know that this is happening because they are suuuuch a goooood bloooooke

i suspect this is happening here

Hawkins002 · 07/02/2023 18:14

Seems these days various celebs eg Cher, Carol vordamen, Madonna, Leo etc are or have been mix aged gap relationships

ironhelp · 07/02/2023 18:17

That made me cringe and feel disgusted. I would struggle to have them conversations and I would distance myself while it was going on.

Backstreets · 07/02/2023 18:19

You're allowed to find his middle aged creeper thing gross and ghost him. God knows I've friend-dumped male friends for far less!

Blahburst · 07/02/2023 18:20

Omg I could have written this OP. I’ve been friends with my dirty old man for twenty five years. I thought he was pretty cool when I was 20. Now he’s nearly 60 and still dating 20 year olds. I’ve gone right off him as a person in the last few years.

Deathbyfluffy · 07/02/2023 18:21

anon666 · 07/02/2023 18:00

That would give me the ick.

What is wrong with men and their lust after young women? It's creepy even though fairly common.

Yuk

There’s plenty of women that go for younger men too - it’s not a one way street, and just as creepy the other way around.

Wibblewibble1 · 07/02/2023 18:22

I would shut down any conversation about Gf. Talk about something else, if he mentions your avoidance I would tell him you feel upset over it, as he is being snakey and this is not the man you love and respect. Then again, change topic. He will stop talking about her.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 07/02/2023 18:26

Urgh. Yeah, theoretically there’s nothing wrong with this blah blah but I’d have the ick over this too. To be honest I’d probably just distance myself from him. He sounds creepy and duplicitous.

BadNomad · 07/02/2023 18:27

You're not really being a good friend by letting him think there is nothing wrong with his attitude towards women. He's a pig. He has zero respect. He's going to waste this young woman's time, stringing her along, fucking with her head. And you're thinking about standing by him.

Littlemountainhum · 07/02/2023 18:28

I don’t get why it needs to be either or - can’t you hold both your like for him as a friend and your disgust for some of his choice at the same time? You don’t have to dump him as a friend just because you feel disgusted at some of his behaviour.

Also why so judgemental? There might be good reasons for him finding a younger age attractive (like basic biology! Young women = more fertile). Theyre both consenting adults and their relationship is none of your business.

What IS your business is what you are and aren’t okay with discussing with him, and it’s your responsibly to communicate that to him. Maybe it’s time to draw some better boundaries around what you chat about. It doesn’t have to spell the end of your friendship - you just need to hold it at the distance that’s comfortable for you.

He might actually learn a lot from you if you’re able to communicate what you don’t like about how he’s relating to you.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 07/02/2023 18:30

I'd be creating distance because I would lose respect for him and a friend whose lost respect is hard to feel drawn to anymore.
I wouldn't have helped him improve his underwear gift... You've made him look better than he is and contributed to this illusion of mature male allure 🤢
Personally I'd tell him it's icky and is rather not hear any details.

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