To have the ‘ick’ for a friend!

[WetBandits]

Been friends with a chap for the last 10 years or so, just want to preface this by saying it’s always been purely platonic; I have no attraction towards him whatsoever so this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy! We’ve always had a very open line of communication and have been through a fair amount of shit between us which we’ve supported one another through so there aren’t really any topics of conversation that are ‘off limits’; discussing sex/relationships/general life shit is pretty normal for us and always has been.

He’s 43 and has been dating a 21 year old woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit as wasn’t sure what on earth they might have in common (she’s 21 and looks it and seems to have her shit together, he’s 43 but could easily be 10 years older than that and is a bit fucked up mentally) but so far I’ve said nothing about it. However, he now regularly jokes about having a hot, young girlfriend and it just makes my stomach turn as he’s giving me real ‘dirty old man’ vibes and I can’t seem to shake it! He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently and the sets he showed me made me cringe as they were far from classy.

Caught up with him this week and he mentioned that GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

WIBU to distance myself a little from him despite everything we’ve seen each other through (addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!) as I can’t shake the ‘creepy old man’ vibes 😩 and I hate that he knows that what he wants in life is incompatible with what she wants, but he won’t end it because he doesn’t want her to find someone else!

Or do I tell him straight that he’s being a prick and stick by him for the inevitable messy breakup?

I adore him (usually) but he’s really given me the ick and I’m so angry with him for stringing his girlfriend along.

It occurred to me when I was thinking about it earlier but I think the sentiment still stands for me. He could "date" older women who need their careers boosted.

It's deemed fine when a man does it but what happens when an older woman dates a 19 (or in this case 21) year old?

sounds like he needs a dose of reality from a good friend

It's the buying underwear I find hideous I don't know why. I would hate for a man to buy me undwear... Like wanting to dress me up or look how he wants me to look... I wouldn't mind buying it for myself or buying something I woud know dh woud like... It's just cringey

It definitely made me cringe! But at least she got something nice and tasteful instead of the horrors he chose 😬

I had a similar experience with a male friend. We had met in our early twenties and stayed friends for the next 10/15 years. I can see now the dynamic was always slightly off but couldn't see that at the time. Nothing ever "happened" between us and we stayed friends when I first met my now DH so I would have defended the friendship as just like my female ones.... But....he would constantly tell me all about his relationships, no healthy boundaries. He would tell me intimate things about his girlfriends' "problems" and I usually felt flattered to be on the inside. Then one day the scales fell from my eyes/ fog lifted... And I realised it was a mutual ego trip and all a bit distasteful. I let the friendship drift -i guess an old fashioned version of "ghosting".

I think listen to your "ick". Sounds like you have hit that wall and my experience is there's no going back.

This is not the ick in my book. Getting the ick is about something irrational or not a big deal. This guy is telling you he doesn't view women as people, only as sexual objects, and that is a very reasonable reason to dislike him.

I think she friends are like "Schroeder's Friend". They always were a misogynistic dickhead, you just didn't know until that box was opened.

I have a friend like that. We've been through a lot, helped each other in shit times, etc. But he's turning into a creepy old man (I'm 44, he's 45) and I decided to distance a bit from him. Why do they turn into that?

Given your updates op, i think I'd be tempted to tell him that seeing him use his very young girlfriend for sex, made you reflect on your own relationship with him and realise he uses you for emotional support without the reciprocity a healthy friendship should have. You've realised he uses women and doesn't value them as people and for that reason you're out.

YANVU, a 22 year difference is horrible, Erie silly as he looks 53.

Let’s hope she is looking for Mr Right Now and not Mr Right to have babies with?

By advising him in this way, you are enabling him to stay with her. If he handed over the rank bunch of tat he had picked out, she might have got the ick at that point but she thinks he is a thoughtful lover now when it was all you.

I realise you have decided to give him the phase out but you need to look at your own boundaries a bit. Is it possible he is clinging on to you because you are so much younger than him? Dispassionately look at him and his life. Are you part of the perv vibe he has going on? Has he told you the nature of your friendship and you have just gone with his version of it?

When you are younger, it's easy to slip into situations without realising. Us oldies can recognise these types, two minutes in.

Yes it’s creepy that he’s dating someone who is 22 years younger but some women like much older men, and some men like much younger women.

You’ve always talked about these things so it’s a bit strange that you don’t want to talk about them any more. However, it’s up to you.

If he definitely doesn’t want any kid, then he’s being very unfair. However sometimes people change their mind about these things when they meet the right person

Yanbu for having “the ick ” but their relationship is theirs to figure out

I have almost exactly the same friendship with a man. I would have zero problem telling him exactly what I thought of him and tbh our relationship is such that he would expect nothing else.

With us, I would expect he would sulk for a bit and disappear, and eventually come to his senses. But he values my opinion and respect. Does this man value yours?

Fast forward 18 months and he will have a baby he doesn't want and she will be set up for life with CM. He will definitely not be having hot sex after the baby is here. Tell him that

Yep, totally agree - if it's a first time offence you can see how the subtle reprimand goes...

Ok, girlfriend44, this is a bit better, I suppose.

But I do wonder why all you big swinging Jeremy Clarksons with hot young lovers spend so much time on here?

I think the ick is about what he has said about her, not the couple themselves

It's strange how older man younger woman is seen as wrong and perverse but I've spoken to a number of women in their 40s who have dated men in their 20s and nobody says a word, even though women are generally seen as more mature than men. I mean its not for me personally, I'm 41 and have had men 32 and 33 in my life but 20s wouldn't interest me.

I’m glad the scales have fallen from your eyes, OP. He sounds vile.

I have never gotten involved in the underwear-buying of any of my friends, for their paramours. 🩲😬

It’s so completely boundary-crossing and inappropriate.

Maybe it's because the power dynamic is more likely to be different. Older woman+younger man is more likely to be two people wanting to get laid... whereas older man+younger woman is more likely to be him wanting to get laid and her wanting a mature stable man for relationship with a future and him future faking so she'll 'put out' but not really in her interests as much as he makes out.
Exceptions to the rule will always exist of course.

True.

And you, yourself obviously have it all goin’ on, hanging about with a load of Mums on Mumsnet in your spare time….

I’ve just advanced searched. 🤮🤢🤮🤢