To have the ‘ick’ for a friend!

[WetBandits]

Been friends with a chap for the last 10 years or so, just want to preface this by saying it’s always been purely platonic; I have no attraction towards him whatsoever so this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy! We’ve always had a very open line of communication and have been through a fair amount of shit between us which we’ve supported one another through so there aren’t really any topics of conversation that are ‘off limits’; discussing sex/relationships/general life shit is pretty normal for us and always has been.

He’s 43 and has been dating a 21 year old woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit as wasn’t sure what on earth they might have in common (she’s 21 and looks it and seems to have her shit together, he’s 43 but could easily be 10 years older than that and is a bit fucked up mentally) but so far I’ve said nothing about it. However, he now regularly jokes about having a hot, young girlfriend and it just makes my stomach turn as he’s giving me real ‘dirty old man’ vibes and I can’t seem to shake it! He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently and the sets he showed me made me cringe as they were far from classy.

Caught up with him this week and he mentioned that GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

WIBU to distance myself a little from him despite everything we’ve seen each other through (addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!) as I can’t shake the ‘creepy old man’ vibes 😩 and I hate that he knows that what he wants in life is incompatible with what she wants, but he won’t end it because he doesn’t want her to find someone else!

Or do I tell him straight that he’s being a prick and stick by him for the inevitable messy breakup?

I adore him (usually) but he’s really given me the ick and I’m so angry with him for stringing his girlfriend along.

It’s weird that you gave him advice with the underwear. Why not let himself expose himself as his true self? You didn’t do the girl any favours there, did you.

Grim. It would change my opinion too. I don't think I would ever see them in the same way.

Yeah, this happens.

Sometimes a man only seems like a Nice Guy because he hasn't had an opportunity not to be. Give him a 21 year old who wants a baby and he'll quickly show you how much of a Nice Guy he is.

I'm surprised he was so open with you about the fact that he's using her for sex in a rather possessive and objectifying way and stringing her along about family plans. I suppose in a way it's good that he's not masking, but why is he so confident that you'll accept him being such a massive prick?

I had this happen. A long term male friend turned into such a perv. We couldn't walk past a girl without some kind of comment 'she's got bruises on her thighs, bet she had a good time last night' etc. The final straw was when I was discussing birthing with him (a father of 3 who should be able to talk like an adult) and he made a sleazy comment about the tightness of my sister's vagina!

I think that is relevant though, your bar for a good friend and a good bloke is a bit skewed , he is neither. And I think he’s previously tested tour boundaries and got away with it which is why he and you thinks it’s appropriate to speak about her to you as a woman in a very misogynistic way. He’s bringing you into his sex life almost albeit verbally.

None of us are perfect and we all have blind shadow aspects of ourselves we don’t see that aren’t so nice.
I would gently and kindly point out to him these things and if he’s as good man as you say he is, he’ll listen and learn.
if he doesn’t he’s a knob.
HTH 😂

Mind your own business.
People don't just have relationships with ppl their own age you know and even when they do they split up.
If she was a different race or religion you wouldn't dare comment. People make age comments all the time but that's OK.
It's nothing to do with you.

I voted YABU, but only because you guys sound like you’ve supported each other through some really tough shit so I’m confused as to why you’d throw that away because the dude’s blatantly going through a mid-life crisis. (And yes, I’d say that whether your friend was male or female).

I’d just tell him straight, tongue in cheek, that I thought he was a dick, stringing along some young girl who thinks she has a future with him and gently remind him that there won’t be shedloads of great sex when it turns into midnight feeds and sleep deprivation. Then just shake my head and wait for him to come to his senses again.

My guess is he doesn't see the OP as a woman because she doesn't fit his idea of one (too old, not "fit" enough). She's just part of his audience. It wouldn't occur to him that she might find his attitude offensive.

Yuck! I was just thinking about how fucked up these men are when I saw a story of Leonardo DiCaprio.

I'd be done with it. Nice or not, he sees these young women as stupid clearly.

Nope, disgusting.

Yes she's an adult but a much younger, inexperienced adult, the playing-field is nowhere near level.

Or she might really get on with him and it turns into a nice relationship.

Same here. It’s just creepy, there are no excuses.

I don't know, I sort of wish people (ie professionals in hospital) had minded a little bit more about the age gap in my 'relationship'. Maybe I'd have got out a little quicker and in a better state. And yes, the age was relevant, bc his tactics were much less likely to wash with women his own age and were tailored to younger women at a particular stage in their lives.

More age gap drivel on mn.
I know people with an age gap who have been together longer than people in same age relationships.

You’ve got the ick because it’s icky.

As you’ve been friends for a while I’d tell him that what he’s doing is nasty. If he can’t see it/doesn’t care then reduce contact.

DH has a friend who is dating young women 20-25 years younger. Everyone else has got older except the women he dates. DH doesn’t see him much any more as he says he has nothing in common with him - he has the ick!

My ex is in a similar age gap relationship and says 'age is just a number', which is rubbish. Last year he tried it on with a 20 year old (he is 52) but got the knock back.

It's pathetic and I've lost all respect for him and am awaiting her to come to her senses (he'll come bleating to me), he is less George Clooney and more Roy Kinnear.

It certainly does give the ick.

Your op is probably jealous to be honest. He wishes he could attract a younger woman.

Well he's a manipulative liar so score 1 for us.

Yuk, he's gross. YADNBU.

This is remarkably simple op. He’s a selfish pig, who wants to keep “great sex girl” all to himself, while denying her the right to make a factual decision about whether she wants to stick with this guy with pretty much zero possibility of a child, or moving in to find someone who shares her life choices.

You are colluding with this selfish twunt by not telling him he’s a dirty perv who needs to start respecting other peoples needs and wishes. Tell him he’s a selfish fucker, and tell her what he actually thinks.

The age gap alone is something to be aware of, but not necessarily an issue if everything else is OK. Sadly, everything else is not OK and it's clear that his motives are are everything that's wrong.

Is he particularly rich or good looking?

Could you at least change your username? I know we have to accept the presence of guys like you on a public forum but do you have to insult our intelligence? This is gorilla in a blonde wig stuff.

He’s lying to her! That’s not a nice person.

I wouldn’t want him as a friend- no thanks and I’d tell him (and her) that he’s using her as a sex object, a possession.

Let it play out, you'll probably be consoling him in a few weeks.