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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have the ‘ick’ for a friend!

180 replies

WetBandits · 07/02/2023 17:41

Been friends with a chap for the last 10 years or so, just want to preface this by saying it’s always been purely platonic; I have no attraction towards him whatsoever so this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy! We’ve always had a very open line of communication and have been through a fair amount of shit between us which we’ve supported one another through so there aren’t really any topics of conversation that are ‘off limits’; discussing sex/relationships/general life shit is pretty normal for us and always has been.

He’s 43 and has been dating a 21 year old woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit as wasn’t sure what on earth they might have in common (she’s 21 and looks it and seems to have her shit together, he’s 43 but could easily be 10 years older than that and is a bit fucked up mentally) but so far I’ve said nothing about it. However, he now regularly jokes about having a hot, young girlfriend and it just makes my stomach turn as he’s giving me real ‘dirty old man’ vibes and I can’t seem to shake it! He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently and the sets he showed me made me cringe as they were far from classy.

Caught up with him this week and he mentioned that GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

WIBU to distance myself a little from him despite everything we’ve seen each other through (addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!) as I can’t shake the ‘creepy old man’ vibes 😩 and I hate that he knows that what he wants in life is incompatible with what she wants, but he won’t end it because he doesn’t want her to find someone else!

Or do I tell him straight that he’s being a prick and stick by him for the inevitable messy breakup?

I adore him (usually) but he’s really given me the ick and I’m so angry with him for stringing his girlfriend along.

OP posts:
DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 20:53

He is awful, but everyone knows that.

But you don’t sound so much better…
No boundaries.
Why are you talking about sex life between them, that is so inappropriate!
I can’t imagine anyone (except people with no boundaries, self-esteem issues and other problems) being okey with that.

milkyaqua · 07/02/2023 20:58

But as he’s a recovering addict, I know he has that selfish streak hardwired into him still.

What? He sounds incredibily immature, selfish, unkind, pervy, and generally revolting. While lots of addicts, recovering or otherwise, are flat-out sociopathic, I do not think it is fair or reasonable to excuse his "selfish streak" as being "hardwired into him still" and as something merely due to his recovery level - this is who he is.

Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 20:58

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 20:53

He is awful, but everyone knows that.

But you don’t sound so much better…
No boundaries.
Why are you talking about sex life between them, that is so inappropriate!
I can’t imagine anyone (except people with no boundaries, self-esteem issues and other problems) being okey with that.

Don’t you talk to your friends about anything personal? Or is it just because he’s a man Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 21:01

milkyaqua · 07/02/2023 20:58

But as he’s a recovering addict, I know he has that selfish streak hardwired into him still.

What? He sounds incredibily immature, selfish, unkind, pervy, and generally revolting. While lots of addicts, recovering or otherwise, are flat-out sociopathic, I do not think it is fair or reasonable to excuse his "selfish streak" as being "hardwired into him still" and as something merely due to his recovery level - this is who he is.

I think you might have misinterpreted what I meant by that.

I meant that he has an innate selfishness which probably went hand in hand with his addiction, i.e. the selfishness was there first.

I think I’m going to do both A+B: tell him he’s a being a complete twunt and then slowly phase out the friendship because I’ve lost respect for him.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 07/02/2023 21:04

addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!)

^^ you dont have to tell us but which of these are you and which are him? Addiction and mental breakdowns are very very serious to support someone through whereas breakups and illness are fairly common. How extensive was the support? I guess I'm wondering how much he leans on you and accidentally puts more on you than he should? Is there am age difference between you and him? You read younger than him and like there is a pattern of him wanting younger women in his life.

Regretcausingtheick · 07/02/2023 21:06

Name change

to the poster Sssshh who said she’s old enough to make her own choices, I did this at age 20/21 as knew he was a kind caring man , and we we’re both going through breakups , but on the flip side I now regret ever getting involved , as I got older I realised i was very naïve then and I now don’t think a man of that age has any morals or respect for young women to go ahead even if they believe they do !!
So OP it seems to me that your friend has been hiding certain thoughts and values from you , sorry 😟

Pseudonamed · 07/02/2023 21:11

I think I would send him pictures of babygros and the like but I can be petty like that.

PineappleMel · 07/02/2023 21:11

Nedmund · 07/02/2023 20:00

Yuck! I was just thinking about how fucked up these men are when I saw a story of Leonardo DiCaprio.

I'd be done with it. Nice or not, he sees these young women as stupid clearly.

You do know that, with Leo, they aren't real girlfriends, don't you?

Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 21:27

RealBecca · 07/02/2023 21:04

addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!)

^^ you dont have to tell us but which of these are you and which are him? Addiction and mental breakdowns are very very serious to support someone through whereas breakups and illness are fairly common. How extensive was the support? I guess I'm wondering how much he leans on you and accidentally puts more on you than he should? Is there am age difference between you and him? You read younger than him and like there is a pattern of him wanting younger women in his life.

I’ll let you guess 😩 realising now from actually talking about it that he’s been using me as an emotional crutch for years! Mine was the physical illness and a couple of MH wobbles but his was the addiction and full on breakdown.

There is indeed an age gap between us.

I’ve just been flicking through my text exchanges with him and it’s all mostly asking for emotional support. I’ve scrolled back as far as March 2021 and I’ve counted fewer than five “how are you” messages from him to me amongst all the other shit.

I feel like a mug now! Time to get shot of him but in a kind way because I don’t have it in me to be mean about it 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 21:28

Sorry missed out a crucial word there!

It’s mostly him asking for emotional support

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 21:37

She sounds vulnerable, why does a 21 year old want kids so young, especially with an old messed up guy.

Exactly. An ex addict, old enough to be her Da.

Something not right there.

TicketBoo23 · 07/02/2023 21:37

They sound like they've been together two minutes as well.

Regretcausingtheick · 07/02/2023 21:38

And yes if she happened to fall pregnant he would be looking at night feeds and sleepless nights (or probably run the other way), rather than the great sex , which would call him out on the fact that he’s just in it for what he can get out of it , like another poster said this is not a level playing field, as she is inexperienced ( and I CAN speak from experience)

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2023 21:43

He’s creepy and repulsive, yes, and deceitful.

But you helping pick out lingerie?! How do you think that young women would feel if she knew her boyfriend’s best friend chose her underwear? OP that is just as inappropriate and queasy. Your actions need reflection here and your enmeshment with him in general.

If you tell him how unappealing and questionable he’s being he won’t listen. But better that than just bobble along with him as things stand.

I couldn’t be a friend with a creep like that.

rwalker · 07/02/2023 21:47

Does he have money ??

Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 21:54

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2023 21:43

He’s creepy and repulsive, yes, and deceitful.

But you helping pick out lingerie?! How do you think that young women would feel if she knew her boyfriend’s best friend chose her underwear? OP that is just as inappropriate and queasy. Your actions need reflection here and your enmeshment with him in general.

If you tell him how unappealing and questionable he’s being he won’t listen. But better that than just bobble along with him as things stand.

I couldn’t be a friend with a creep like that.

Read the update

OP posts:
Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 21:54

rwalker · 07/02/2023 21:47

Does he have money ??

Nope.

OP posts:
DNBU · 07/02/2023 21:56

Tell him straight

milkyaqua · 07/02/2023 21:58

So he's been using you, and now he's using her. This is who he is.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 07/02/2023 22:03

Theyre both consenting adults and their relationship is none of your business.
This - they're both adults, she's in her twenties.
If she wants kids and he doesn't, that's a separate issue and is a problem.
If they're both happy though, it's no one else's business.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 07/02/2023 22:06

YANBU if you wanted to tell him he was being a prick about the kids thing.
YABU if you were to judge the age gap.

thewinterwitch · 07/02/2023 22:06

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 07/02/2023 22:03

Theyre both consenting adults and their relationship is none of your business.
This - they're both adults, she's in her twenties.
If she wants kids and he doesn't, that's a separate issue and is a problem.
If they're both happy though, it's no one else's business.

She's only happy because she's being deceived. It has been made OP's business, so now she is complicit in the deception.

workiskillingme · 07/02/2023 22:10

He sounds revolting I wouldn't want to be in his company platonic or not but let's face it many men would do the same

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2023 22:17

@WetBandits Great update. Best way forwards.

Sometimes it takes decades to really know someone. Glad you’re taking action.

Dammitthisisshit · 07/02/2023 22:25

girlfriend44 · 07/02/2023 20:28

Your op is probably jealous to be honest. He wishes he could attract a younger woman.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

I assume you mean my DH not OP? Nope, he’s certainly not jealous. Strange thing to say.

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