To have the ‘ick’ for a friend!

[WetBandits]

Been friends with a chap for the last 10 years or so, just want to preface this by saying it’s always been purely platonic; I have no attraction towards him whatsoever so this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy! We’ve always had a very open line of communication and have been through a fair amount of shit between us which we’ve supported one another through so there aren’t really any topics of conversation that are ‘off limits’; discussing sex/relationships/general life shit is pretty normal for us and always has been.

He’s 43 and has been dating a 21 year old woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit as wasn’t sure what on earth they might have in common (she’s 21 and looks it and seems to have her shit together, he’s 43 but could easily be 10 years older than that and is a bit fucked up mentally) but so far I’ve said nothing about it. However, he now regularly jokes about having a hot, young girlfriend and it just makes my stomach turn as he’s giving me real ‘dirty old man’ vibes and I can’t seem to shake it! He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently and the sets he showed me made me cringe as they were far from classy.

Caught up with him this week and he mentioned that GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

WIBU to distance myself a little from him despite everything we’ve seen each other through (addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!) as I can’t shake the ‘creepy old man’ vibes 😩 and I hate that he knows that what he wants in life is incompatible with what she wants, but he won’t end it because he doesn’t want her to find someone else!

Or do I tell him straight that he’s being a prick and stick by him for the inevitable messy breakup?

I adore him (usually) but he’s really given me the ick and I’m so angry with him for stringing his girlfriend along.

Just tell him straight what a complete wanker he is!

Shit I started feeling sick reading it; I’d go apeshit if I was this girls mum he’s old enough to be her dad ffs; please tell the dirty old coffin dodger to get his dirty old hands off of her; she’s too young for an old man who’s screwed up mentally; just the thought of some dirty old sod leading her on is so wrong, stand up for her ffs!!

Why cause you say so? Not everyone is a prude and fair doos it is friends I have had since school I can discuss these things with but there is nothing sleazy about it. Judgemental much!!!

He does sound creepy from what you've said and it's tempting to judge both for their motivation but only they know what they're getting from it.

I don't see an issue with age gap as such if it's working for them and if they're just dating I don't see the wanting or not of children matters at this stage. They're both old enough work out those things for themselves.

If you're a good friend yes of course tell him your reservations and if you don't appreciate conversations about underwear then most certainly tell him to keep it to himself.

I wouldn't worry about the age gap on its own - my DH is 20 years older than me - but everything else is so wrong. She needs to know now that he doesn't want any more children before it goes any further.

You do realise that people who are judgemental don’t care? They know it, and own it!

Speaking as someone who has enough self-awareness to fully know when I’m being judgmental!

He’s a recovering addict with dodgy mental health and she’s thinking of having a child with him? Am I the only one who thinks this seems to totally belie the description of her as “seems to have her shit together.” She doesn’t need lingerie (what a creepy scenario that is), she needs an intervention by friends wise enough to be able to persuade her to get the hell out of Dodge.

He’s a dirty sexist creep and is happy to rob of her of her youth, despite knowing they’re not compatible. What he said was absolutely vile.

I’d give him the ultimatum to tell her himself or you will tell her yourself. I would do everything in my power to end this for her sake, and happy to take the fall out. He’s being beyond selfish and it’s so morally warped I could never look at him the same way again anyway.

He’s your ‘friend’ yet you know he’s slightly messed in the head. As you said so why would you want to be around him

I'd defo have the ick too! Yuck, sure just be honest like you can be with everything else.

But also this
'I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead'

If he doesn't want to have kids etc he needs to tell her so she can move on, he's just holding her back, selfish!

I sincerely hope she dumps him. What a groat.

'no man his age dating a 21 year old (who clearly has her own self esteem problems to be dating him) is a nice man'.

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation, isn't it? My DH (who was a very nice man) was in his 50s when we married. Yes, shock, horror! THREE times my age on our wedding day! We were happy together and nothing else counted. Age gaps in a good relationship are like a seesaw. You can take turns at being the grown up.
Age isn't the issue, it's attitude that counts, on both sides. Some guys are creeps at any age. Some 21 year-olds (male and female) get very tedious long term.
What's more important is compatibility and your friend's affair seems to lack that.

Not a very nice man - telling you that he is hanging on to this young woman for "great sex". Her judgment doesn't sound great, but hopefully she will tire of him. He has been very disrespectful of this young woman in talking about her to you in such intimate detail. From your point of view, should you be wary of divulging personal information to this man? He appears to have no regard for the privacy and dignity of people close to him.

Sexual attraction?

Although I agree, it’s still weird and creepy dating someone old enough to be your kid (no matter how young and lithe they look).

You’re being totally unreasonable to judge the age thing - thought I, until I imagined if it were MY DD who’s 23 and I must admit I’d be mortified. But the age difference can work for some, definitely. The bigger issue is that he should 100% tell her if children are definitely off the cards. But maybe they’re not? Maybe he would consider having children with her but can sense your disapproval. As you’re really so close you should discuss this with him and tell him straight that before it gets too serious he should tell her if kids are totally out of the question.

Hmmm...see, I've got a 20 year old.
At that age, you can go one of two ways
Nag, try and control or just be there for them as they're adults (albeit young ones) and hope that they choose right
40 plus dating I might dislike but not a lot I could do about it!

Thing is I'm really on the fence and thinking out loud ,.. 😁
As a mum to a 20 year o and remembering BEING a 20 year old, I know what it feels like to have parents be like OMG when it comes to having boyfriends who are a bit older than you (DH 7 years older than me)
If you're both consenting adults there's not a lot can realistically do.

I always say. Good innocent woman are ruined by conniving and underhand men! Then we become a PITA because they were assholes and we are the problem.

At 21, of she is in a relationship with a man twice her age and already talking about babies so early on she sure as hell doesn’t have her shit together! What does she see in him, security? Daddy? I mean it all desperately smacks of her having her own problems Too TBH. Therefore the two together are ultimately a disaster waiting to happen.

What happens if this hinting turns into her engineering a baby? What then? Yes, that’s partially on her for making stupid arse choices in life, but, seriously, what would he do? I’m not saying she would, but it’s a possibility and not unheard of. It sounds to me like she is really looking to be loved, poor girl.

Thats before we get into the fact that ‘this selfishness is hardwired into him’ from him being and addict and she is 21.

This is going to be a disaster at some point. Personally, better a heartbreak disaster than a disaster that involves a young child!

@sassyclassyandsmartassy spot on. 🙌

I had a platonic friendship with a man and we used to hang out quite a lot. When he told me he went to a party where all the men were queueing up to shag a woman and that she was ‘Enjoying’ it, I just didn’t want him anywhere near me to be honest and that feeling didn’t go away.

It's universal. Biologically programmed.

Glad to read the penny has finally dropped.

He's utterly revolting and that girlfriend sounds very vulnerable at 21 to be talking about babies with such loser letch.

I think I would’ve been teasing him already about being a dirty old man!nor a sugar daddy!
but with regards to the rest I think I’d just have a civil chat with him and say that you feel he’s got some serious thinking to do… tell him you feel it’s unfair to allow her to think he wants kids with her if he doesn’t, it’s also unfair to go along with it and have kids then later regret it and leave when the sex isn’t so great, she’s tired and covered in stretch marks etc…..

He needs to be honest with himself and her!! And be warned she may ‘accidentally’ get pregnant!!

Sounds enchanting!!!! x

Tell him straight! It’s a pity every selfish man (not implying all men, just the selfish ones) don’t have a female friend like you to set them straight. As for standing by him, maybe depends on how he responds? Your call