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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have the ‘ick’ for a friend!

180 replies

WetBandits · 07/02/2023 17:41

Been friends with a chap for the last 10 years or so, just want to preface this by saying it’s always been purely platonic; I have no attraction towards him whatsoever so this doesn’t come from a place of jealousy! We’ve always had a very open line of communication and have been through a fair amount of shit between us which we’ve supported one another through so there aren’t really any topics of conversation that are ‘off limits’; discussing sex/relationships/general life shit is pretty normal for us and always has been.

He’s 43 and has been dating a 21 year old woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit as wasn’t sure what on earth they might have in common (she’s 21 and looks it and seems to have her shit together, he’s 43 but could easily be 10 years older than that and is a bit fucked up mentally) but so far I’ve said nothing about it. However, he now regularly jokes about having a hot, young girlfriend and it just makes my stomach turn as he’s giving me real ‘dirty old man’ vibes and I can’t seem to shake it! He asked me for advice on buying her lingerie recently and the sets he showed me made me cringe as they were far from classy.

Caught up with him this week and he mentioned that GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

WIBU to distance myself a little from him despite everything we’ve seen each other through (addiction, job loss, breakups, mental breakdowns, physical illness and everything in between!) as I can’t shake the ‘creepy old man’ vibes 😩 and I hate that he knows that what he wants in life is incompatible with what she wants, but he won’t end it because he doesn’t want her to find someone else!

Or do I tell him straight that he’s being a prick and stick by him for the inevitable messy breakup?

I adore him (usually) but he’s really given me the ick and I’m so angry with him for stringing his girlfriend along.

OP posts:
HareAndBear · 07/02/2023 18:32

Eww, yuck. Thus is gross. I don't think I could maintain the friendship.

Pseudonamed · 07/02/2023 18:34

I cant even spend time with DPs friend of same age with same age gf. Gives me the creeps.

LakeTiticaca · 07/02/2023 18:34

Keep your nose out. People need to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Chances are she will grow tired of going out with someone old enough to be her father and dump him for a young stallion

Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 18:37

BadNomad · 07/02/2023 18:27

You're not really being a good friend by letting him think there is nothing wrong with his attitude towards women. He's a pig. He has zero respect. He's going to waste this young woman's time, stringing her along, fucking with her head. And you're thinking about standing by him.

Did you not read what I said...? When I asked if I should ghost him OR tell him he’s being a prick and then be there for him when it ends messily 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 18:39

Littlemountainhum · 07/02/2023 18:28

I don’t get why it needs to be either or - can’t you hold both your like for him as a friend and your disgust for some of his choice at the same time? You don’t have to dump him as a friend just because you feel disgusted at some of his behaviour.

Also why so judgemental? There might be good reasons for him finding a younger age attractive (like basic biology! Young women = more fertile). Theyre both consenting adults and their relationship is none of your business.

What IS your business is what you are and aren’t okay with discussing with him, and it’s your responsibly to communicate that to him. Maybe it’s time to draw some better boundaries around what you chat about. It doesn’t have to spell the end of your friendship - you just need to hold it at the distance that’s comfortable for you.

He might actually learn a lot from you if you’re able to communicate what you don’t like about how he’s relating to you.

Young women = more fertile? What does that have to do with him NOT wanting more children? Confused

OP posts:
BadNomad · 07/02/2023 18:41

WetBandits · 07/02/2023 18:37

Did you not read what I said...? When I asked if I should ghost him OR tell him he’s being a prick and then be there for him when it ends messily 🙄

Show quote history

Yes. You are considering not dropping him as a friend. Most people wouldn't need to think about that. Most people would think "this is a horrible human being" and get rid.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 07/02/2023 18:48

Oh OP, your friend is giving me the ick too

Just between you and MN folks, he is giving off dirty old man vibes . Ofc you can't say it like that to your friend as it's ageist and judgemental - but between us MNers we can understand how you may feel about it especially if you have DCs but I think as old friend where nothing is off limit for discussing you can maybe be kindly open and honest with him

~ That you feel disappointed and a bit annoyed with him that he may be stringing her along re babies as that isn't really fair . You know it maybe a short relationship but long term if she wants children she wants children ... & she may end up pregnant - it's not fair for him not to tell her that's not what he wants / may stick around for

~That there is a big age gap , she's such a young woman (barely older than his DC) and as a friend you wonder about that and it's slightly disconcerting you.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 18:49

GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead...

I know he is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met

Wow, I don't want to know what all the other arseholes in your circle are like...

Original poster
WetBandits · 07/02/2023 18:50

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 18:49

GF has been talking about wanting babies; he has a tween son from a previous relationship and has always been very clear that he only ever wanted one child. I asked him if he was going to tell her that he didn’t want any more and he said: “I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead...

I know he is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met

Wow, I don't want to know what all the other arseholes in your circle are like...

🙄 can we keep it relevant please? I didn’t ask for personal criticism.

OP posts:
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 07/02/2023 18:52

If I'm Honest though - any friend of mine dating and deceiving a 20 year old younger girlfriend or boyfriend, that gave me the ick, I'd be dropping as I am similar age as him and have DDs from teen upwards to young adults.
I'd be very worried he saw them as potential flirty objects and I'd be hyper vigilant and he wouldn't be coming round to my house!! (although mine would 🤢 if an old man attempted to be flirty with them - and they tell me very quickly that they don't like CreepyMcCreep)

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 18:52

WetBandits · 07/02/2023 18:50

🙄 can we keep it relevant please? I didn’t ask for personal criticism.

Show quote history

I'm not criticising you. I'm saying that if this dick is one of the kindest people you've ever met, you must know some real twats.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2023 18:55

“I would but I don’t want to lose out to someone else, and the sex is so good I don’t want someone else to have that instead.”

It's basically not informed consent at that point. If he knows she wouldn't be shagging him if she knew.

I'd 100% tell him and I'd explain exactly why.

What a pig.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 18:55

Oh, and I don't think most men ask their female friends for advice for lingerie to buy their daughter-aged girlfriends either. He's getting off on all of this and it's very hard to believe he wasn't a dick any sooner.

Luckily she's got tons and tons of time if she wants a baby but I hope he doesn't waste much more of it. What an arse.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 07/02/2023 18:57

Whoops I meant 20 years younger than him not 20 year old. I wonder what is an acceptable age gap? As a mum, any man above early 30s (& even then... 🫤) seeking out 21 year old girls or a 43 uo woman doing similar to young new adult men and leading them on, is a bit dodgy.
That's a 22 yr gap 43 to 21...

considerablycuntierthanyou · 07/02/2023 19:08

Well he's shown you how he actually feels about women, hasn't he.

Nosleepforthismum · 07/02/2023 19:10

Obviously none of us know your friend in real life but on the assumption he’s not normally a bit of a creep, it sounds very much like he’s just showing off that he has hot young girlfriend and the fact they are having loads of rampant, passionate sex. Your main mistake has been to not completely take the piss from the start and even indulging his inflated ego by discussing lingerie to buy for her. Just tell him to stop lying to her about the kids thing and say you don’t want to hear anymore about it. She’ll dump him soon enough for some gorgeous, young man so don’t worry too much.

gazpachosoupday · 07/02/2023 19:17

The age gap, I would ignore, she is an adult.

The stringing her on and not telling her he doesnt want anymore kids, I would be telling him he is an arsehole. I dont think I would tell her though. I think it would depend on my relationship with her.

The lingerie thing, I would find really weird. But again I suppose that depends on what your relationship is like, but as the girlfriend I would not be happy at that level of involvement of any friend

NightsThatStartWithWhiskey · 07/02/2023 19:20

He not kind, he’s not a good man. He’s creepy AF, you just didn’t realise it til now. Get rid.

Catsstillrock · 07/02/2023 19:25

@WetBandits i think you need to tell him that you think he is being unfair to her.

disagree with other posters staying out of it. He is your friend, he’s behaving badly and clearly can’t see it as he’s cheerfully telling you about it.

you owe it to him to tell him what you think he’s missing, just as a friend should if their friend developed a drinking problem (and I’ve been there).

you think - with an age gap this big the power dynamics are wrong. And that he’s being manipulative by not being honest he doesn’t want more children.

Be an ally to her. tell him straight.

If you don’t, your silence is condoning it.

he’ll probably take it badly and you’ll end up distanced for a while. But he might over time come to realise you are right.

my friend with the drinking problem did.

sexism is perpetrated by other silence and turning a blind eye too. Stand up for women.

safetyfreak · 07/02/2023 19:28

Oh, and I don't think most men ask their female friends for advice for lingerie to buy their daughter-aged girlfriends either. He's getting off on all of this and it's very hard to believe he wasn't a dick any sooner.

Yep this, I think its very telling he showed you pictures of lingerie he wants to buy his girlfriend. He is likely getting off on this.

Find it hard to believe he is such a good, kind guy. This is the real him.

Heartsofstone · 07/02/2023 19:31

He sounds grim and dim.
I couldn’t with a clear conscience sit back and say nowt.
The age gap is considerable, the baggage is significant. He sounds like a horrible little pervert.

pictoosh · 07/02/2023 19:33

Bleugh to all of it.
Just tell him you can't be friends any more because he's turned into a creepy old man.

EmmaDilemma5 · 07/02/2023 19:37

YANBU but in all honesty, I probably wouldn't cut a friend off just because I don't think their relationship is great.

Sounds like he's using her for sex and I'd assume it's so good because she's young and will do whatever he wants.

Is it a car crash? Obviously. But is it really your business? Probably not.

Just nod along and change the subject.

EmmaDilemma5 · 07/02/2023 19:41

Is he considering having children with her? Or is he planning to string her along?

She sounds vulnerable, why does a 21 year old want kids so young, especially with an old messed up guy.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 07/02/2023 19:44

I do think men and women can be friends in a platonic sense. But in my experience it’s not uncommon for women to think they’ve got a cool friendship with a man when in fact he’s a dirty misogynist who has no respect for her or any other woman.