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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 07/02/2023 17:12

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 16:58

Thank you, I am grateful for all the advice, in particular the gentle touch. I'm feeling absolutely devastated. I've just told my boss, not the sordid details but the gist of it and she was really supportive. She told me she was taking the decision about going away next week out of my hands, the trip is cancelled. I have made an appointment with a solicitor on Monday.

Thank goodness your boss is decent and has your back - that will really help in the weeks ahead.

I don't have any practical advice, but wanted to echo the posters saying to take it one step at a time - you've had a massive, horrible shock and will need time to process it. Nothing has to happen in a hurry here. You've spoken to your boss, the trip is cancelled, and you've made an appointment to see a solicitor - that's brilliant. Now make sure you rest, eat properly and look after yourself Flowers

bellabasset · 07/02/2023 18:25

I'm so sorry for what you're going through as however you handle it you're mourning the loss of someone you loved and you have your two boys to consider as well. I'm glad you were able to confide in your boss and that someone you trust is there to support you. I do think seeing a solicitor in these circumstances is essential.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 07/02/2023 18:44

So glad to hear your boss is supportive OP. That will help so much.

Sending you Flowers

Rainbowqueeen · 07/02/2023 18:47

Well done OP. Your boss sounds great.

Can I also suggest making the effort to go outside each day for a walk and some fresh air. A visit to your gp for sone sleep medication just to get you through. I recall someone on here once saying they had acupuncture for the stress too and that really helped. Wishing you well

xprincessxjanetx · 07/02/2023 18:53

Oh my goodness, OP. I am so sorry this has happened to you, I can only imagine what a terrible shock it must have been to discover your husband had been betraying you like that. I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you and take as much time as you need to make any decisions. For what it's worth I think you are approaching this situation very sensibly whilst also protecting yourself and your children. Take care.

tensmum1964 · 07/02/2023 19:04

I'm so sorry that you are going through this OP. As others have said, take one step at a time and go at a pace that is comfortable for you. Right now you are understandably in shock and your head must be reeling. Good luck with your talk tonight.

ThisIsBrandNewInformation · 07/02/2023 19:19

Take things however slowly you need to OP. You must still be in shock. You sound strong, capable and lovely. You will get there.

What a shock that the man you loved has violated you so horribly.

Take a day at a time. Thinking of you xx

delayrepayagain · 07/02/2023 19:36

What a terrible shock. Please look after yourself. I’ve felt under pressure too on here after seeking advice to report someone’s behaviour and actions towards me, but it’s not always that easy.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 19:59

Thank you. We’ve talked, he’s going to look for somewhere to rent nearby and while he looks we’ll figure out what/when to tell the children. I think once he’s moved out I’ll then decide what to do about the house. Right now I think I want to sell it and make a fresh start but it’s early days and I’m not going to pressure myself to make any decisions. We’ve got an employee assistance programme so I’m going to contact them for advice and probably counselling. We have a big house, he’s moving to the spare room now. The kids won’t realise as we sometimes sleep apart anyway if he’s got to get up early for work.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/02/2023 20:08

Give him a deadline for moving out.

Otherwise he'll stay.

sweetgingercat · 07/02/2023 20:18

@TotallyLosttonight Well done OP, that's good progress for the first day. Keep strong. 💐

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 20:22

@TotallyLosttonight thinking of you lovely x what a total fool he is. He needs to seek some help too

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 20:38

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 20:22

@TotallyLosttonight thinking of you lovely x what a total fool he is. He needs to seek some help too

He does, he said he will get help but to be honest it’s not my problem now. I hope he does for his own sake.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 21:03

@TotallyLosttonight exactly . It's perfectly possible to still care about someone but not want to be in a relationship with them because of behaviour of whatever type. Some people are very black and white thinkers that way whereas for others it's a bit harder to switch off the 'I give a shit' button.

Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 22:30

I agree with others saying to work through this at a pace that you feel comfortable with. You are showing massive resilience and self-control here in not letting your anger dictate your actions, and that help you get through this.

Although he deserves to have his stuff in bin bags thrown out of the window and you rushing to tell the police everything, your life isn't an Eastenders episode, and some posters on here would do well to remember that.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 22:47

I swing between sobbing at the thought of sharing Christmas and holidays and then I’m stone cold practical to landing on packing essential toiletries for the kids to have at their Dad’s. If anyone has been through separation please tell me this is normal?
We’ve just had a very practical, frank discussion about the size of place he’s looking to rent and him potentially putting a deposit down asap as there’s a few suitable places locally.

OP posts:
An1ta · 07/02/2023 22:57

TotallyLosttonight Whatever feelings u swinging between is totally normal. Not only u have your children's wellbeing in mind but your own too. We are not in your position, we can't possibly imagine how we would feel. Women/mothers are tormented by the implications of actions we take and on top of that u need to deal with the implications of actions of your husband. That's not easy. I wish u strength. One way or other you'll get through this. Just make sure it's on your terms.

Tuilpmouse · 07/02/2023 23:08

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 22:47

I swing between sobbing at the thought of sharing Christmas and holidays and then I’m stone cold practical to landing on packing essential toiletries for the kids to have at their Dad’s. If anyone has been through separation please tell me this is normal?
We’ve just had a very practical, frank discussion about the size of place he’s looking to rent and him potentially putting a deposit down asap as there’s a few suitable places locally.

Your reaction is very normal. I had a relatively straightforward separation compared to your situation, and was beset by those thoughts. Things will settle... and your response is amazing given the circumstances.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 07/02/2023 23:14

I’m so sorry op, it’s a huge deal and you must be in shock. But yes, really normal to be swinging from one state of mind to another. I would think you’ll kind of be in shock, more or less, for a good while to come — but it will pass, and you will move on. You’re doing the right thing by separating. The alternative, of living out the entire rest of your life in a state of uncertainty about trust, would be so psychologically harmful to you, and the effects would ripple out to your children.

When you feel worried about the impact on them, remember: parents split up for all sorts of reasons, on a big scale from amicable to not, and you have a rock-solid reason even if it’s one you cannot share with them. Every child their age is familiar with a variety of family structures as being ‘normal’, simply through child-level conversations with other dc they know, so there is every likelihood they will adjust really well. Far better for them than being in a home where there’s an ongoing background atmosphere of sadness, mistrust or anger.

I’m not pretending it won’t be tough but you will all come out the other side, and despite the pain of grieving for your relationship you’ll ultimately be so much safer and emotionally in a better place.

Justforthissnippet · 08/02/2023 00:22

@TotallyLosttonight

You have made amazing progress in just one day. Well done. Keep going.

TheaBrandt · 08/02/2023 06:24

He’s basically split up from you as he’s done something so awful you’re left with no option but to leave

WombatStewForTea · 08/02/2023 06:46

@TotallyLosttonight please do contact the revenge porn helpline for support. swgfl.org.uk/helplines/revenge-porn-helpline/
They can also help with getting content removed from websites if it's been posted in other places too

kateandme · 08/02/2023 07:58

Jesus Christ what a cunt .he's put you and your kid's in danger .I'm so sorry .
Your being so brave.
And so more sensitive to him than he deserves.
Remember who you miss.loved. isn't who he actually is.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 10:31

We're not going to tell the children anything until we have a solid plan for how things will look. I feel sick about telling them, this will be a massive shock to them. I'm so scared of how it's going to affect them. We don't even know many people with kids their age who are separated.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 08/02/2023 10:43

TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 10:31

We're not going to tell the children anything until we have a solid plan for how things will look. I feel sick about telling them, this will be a massive shock to them. I'm so scared of how it's going to affect them. We don't even know many people with kids their age who are separated.

The kids will adapt. They're old enough to understand that you'll be living in separate homes but able to spend as much time with both of you as they want to.

If he's getting somewhere close by, and you can coparent well - as you seem incredibly reasonable - hopefully they'll not be too negatively impacted.

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