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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
CitizenofMoronia · 07/02/2023 13:30

I'm really sorry OP and don't want to upset you, but him deleting stuff off line is like bolting the gate after the horse has bolted, once those pics are online they are out there, as you have seen from his hard drive, he has folders of other women, so will those men, they all share them.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 13:30

CitizenofMoronia · 07/02/2023 13:30

I'm really sorry OP and don't want to upset you, but him deleting stuff off line is like bolting the gate after the horse has bolted, once those pics are online they are out there, as you have seen from his hard drive, he has folders of other women, so will those men, they all share them.

I know.

OP posts:
Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 13:50

You are handling this far better than I would. If my dh ever ever did something like this to me, my god, he would rue the day he was even born. Nuclear would be an understatement.

So whilst I think it’s good you are calm and thinking this through, be aware of detachment, and the implications of not doing something/anything.
At some point, in some way, this is likely to end up in court one way or another - when the next victim finds out, and you may need to justify your choices and actions further down the line.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 07/02/2023 13:55

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. He's a dreadful cunt.

It might be worth noting that recordings made without the other party's consent are often not admissible as evidence - if that's what you were hoping to have against him. You could only really use it to appeal to his conscience regarding future payments, but it will mean jack shit legally.

I'm another voice saying please report this to the Police. You'll be absolutely screwed further down the line when his defence rests on the 'everything was fine, it was a misunderstanding, look, we went on holiday together!'

You have no proof that he didn't have your copper bottomed agreement to put those images online. That's the sort of defence he could wheel out. You need to strike first.

sweetgingercat · 07/02/2023 14:00

@Blessedwithsunshine

At some point, in some way, this is likely to end up in court one way or another - when the next victim finds out, and you may need to justify your choices and actions further down the line.

OP is not responsible for other women who may or may not have consented to share images or who may or may not be under age. Until and unless she comes across an image of someone clearly under the age of consent, she is responsible for herself and safeguarding her children. She hasn't done anything wrong. She needs time to process, grieve, collect information and decide her and her children's future. We need to support that process and not threaten her with some vague nonsense that has no legal foundation.

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 14:19

sweetgingercat · 07/02/2023 14:00

@Blessedwithsunshine

At some point, in some way, this is likely to end up in court one way or another - when the next victim finds out, and you may need to justify your choices and actions further down the line.

OP is not responsible for other women who may or may not have consented to share images or who may or may not be under age. Until and unless she comes across an image of someone clearly under the age of consent, she is responsible for herself and safeguarding her children. She hasn't done anything wrong. She needs time to process, grieve, collect information and decide her and her children's future. We need to support that process and not threaten her with some vague nonsense that has no legal foundation.

I disagree actually. Reporting him to the police would safe guard op’s children immediately and other victims and other children that may be implicated. We have no idea at this stage who is involved and/or being harmed, which is why it is important that the police are informed. As adults we do have some responsibility to others. We can’t disregard that. Op has found the other images and footage, she knows it is there.

Of course op needs time to process it all and support but that also gives her dh plenty of time to get rid of evidence, warn others and work on minimising and coercing her. He will be working very hard to keep a lid on this. Everything depends on it. He has already assaulted her in his efforts to keep the laptop.

I am uncomfortable about the advice saying op is fine to take her time, we don’t know what he is capable of. He is an unknown even to op now. I think she needs to really protect herself very very proactively.

BadNomad · 07/02/2023 14:26

Honestly, your children will be more traumatised if in a few years their mates come up to them saying "Hey, is this your mum...?"

You really need to find out how far this has gone. You need to know if he has shared anything of your children.

RealBecca · 07/02/2023 14:26

I think you should report to the police because it means there is a paper trail this was done to you without consent. This will be helpful for any future divorce, getting the images appropriately removed and making sure you arent breaking any laws yourself (because I'm not an expert I dont know whether you have broken a law by taking images of another woman that he had saved?) They may also want to see if there are other victims.

I think my concern is that you dont know what you dont know and only a tech expert or legal expert who is 100% in your corner can help you. You've already lost control of the image and I think you'll have a harder fight than you expect for getting the images removed from public sites.

You're thinking about recording him in secret is madness. If you ever try to use that recording it might not be the evidence you think it is and he will argue you are as bad as him. He may also have a trump card of more hidden images on a USB at work. You dont know what you dont know. Yet.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 07/02/2023 14:31

Just when I think men can't sink lower in my estimation, a man finds a new way to sexually abuse the woman he's supposed to love and care for.

I am so sorry for you OP, this is such a lot to take in.

The reality of friends, neighbours, family etc (including your own children) potentially coming across this on porn sites and thinking it's something you consented to must give you the momentum to get yourself as far away from this man as possible and denounce his actions to all.

This is such a horrific betrayal of trust.

Sending you strength to get through today and all the following difficult days.

BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 15:03

This is also my concern @BeExcellent2EachOther , I'm not really sure on where OP stands legally with making copies of other women's revenge porn? This is why I really think taking advice from someone professional is important here - if you really don't want to go to the police, then perhaps a solicitor - perhaps you could find someone who specialises in this area? Someone in digital forensics or something?! I have no idea, but I just think that there's too much to go wrong here to not take proper advice

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 15:07

I know of a female police officer that was sent an image, by her sister, asking if it’s legal and for advice and because it was technically on the officer’s phone she was charged with offences, and dismissed. She now has a criminal record and lost everything. It always seemed so unfair to me, but the law is the law.

BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 15:15

Yes, that's the kind of thing I was worried about. Though that case is about child abuse material I believe - obviously that's not what OP is dealing with here but I would really just worry that either a similar law applies OR, god forbid, one of the other women is below the age of consent. OP has no way of knowing who these women are. I would just want to tread really, really carefully here in any case. I know PP have said that the reason people are advising police involvement is because we like the drama, but that really wasn't my motivation at all.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 15:15

I didn't save photos of other women. I saved copies of the photos of me and then deleted the entire file from his onedrive. Why am I defending my actions here? I'm not the one who is in the wrong. I'm not engaging with you anymore @Blessedwithsunshine - I'm working through my life being turned upside down in 24 hours.

OP posts:
slamfightbrightlight · 07/02/2023 15:31

The catastrophising and hectoring by some posters is really unhelpful. OP is clearly a capable woman, I’m sure she has thought through her actions as well as trying to get her head around what’s happening. If you’ve said your piece maybe give her a chance to process rather than going on at her.

BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 15:38

I'm really sorry to have stepped out of line then OP, I really wasn't trying to get at you but I see how it came across that way. I am honestly just concerned and don't want you to do something that would mean you couldn't use things in any potential future court case if he gets nasty about custody. Sorry again, all the best x

Blessedwithsunshine · 07/02/2023 15:46

I think my professional work is influencing my posts. The photos which you knew he was taking but did not consent to be posted op might be the least of it. There is a good reason why so many pp are saying the same thing.
I hope for your sake that it isn’t the case, and you choose to find support in real life.

You can find further support here:
www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/cyber-crime/image-based-sexual-abuse/
and

it’s not just ‘revenge’ porn helpline - they can help with all cases and can support you:

revengepornhelpline.org.uk/information-and-advice/need-help-and-advice/intimate-images-shared-without-consent/

and also citizens advice.

I wish you the very best op 💐

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 15:55

I've checked his browser history going back to last year. There are a couple of sites, both of which I saw when I looked at his laptop last night. It's not great but at least there's not a load more.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/02/2023 16:02

that's like telling a rape victim it's her responsibility to report it to protect others. The victim does not have any responsibility.

You're the victim of a crime here.

Would you report a burglary?

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 16:10

mathanxiety · 07/02/2023 16:02

that's like telling a rape victim it's her responsibility to report it to protect others. The victim does not have any responsibility.

You're the victim of a crime here.

Would you report a burglary?

Would you take time to stop and consider reporting it if it would directly impact your children, if the burglar was, for example, their father?

mathanxiety · 07/02/2023 16:20

Yes, 100%.

I did report my exH to the police after an incident at his home involving violence against one of the DCs.

If the OP is happy to separate, divorce, and see her children in an EOW or a 50-50 situation, where they would be in the care of a man who sees women and probably teenage girls as prey and is happy to behave as a predator around them, then of course not reporting this is the only way to go.

sweetgingercat · 07/02/2023 16:34

Honestly, the number of people on here cajoling, threatening and bullying the OP to do what they consider is right is horrible!

The OP has discovered a terrible, unspeakable thing about her husband and has asked us for a handhold. From a hypothetical distance we've all given her advice, nearly all the same advice as it happens. But she is the only one who has to deal with the fallout that that advice will inevitably lead to and she is clearly traumatised (as anyone in this situation would be) and not ready to contemplate that at the moment, while she is still discovering the facts and reeling from the discovery. She is obviously a sensible mum and given time will do the right thing for her and her children.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 16:58

Thank you, I am grateful for all the advice, in particular the gentle touch. I'm feeling absolutely devastated. I've just told my boss, not the sordid details but the gist of it and she was really supportive. She told me she was taking the decision about going away next week out of my hands, the trip is cancelled. I have made an appointment with a solicitor on Monday.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/02/2023 17:06

Please consider @TibetanTerrah's wise advice.

You need to be open with the solicitor about what you have found. Ask what legal repercussions there might be for this man.

Well done for talking to your boss and well done her for supporting you.

Bluetrews25 · 07/02/2023 17:09

Sending you a warm hug Totally.
Sounds like you have a lovely boss.

One day at a time.Flowers