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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hand hold please, my marriage is over

322 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 07/02/2023 02:40

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 08/02/2023 10:44

Has he started a process to get help for his 'addiction'? I'd make that a condition of him staying out for now.

Fraaahnces · 08/02/2023 10:55

I bet he leaves telling them up to you. He’ll be too chicken to be the bad guy.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 11:27

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 10:44

Has he started a process to get help for his 'addiction'? I'd make that a condition of him staying out for now.

Not yet, that's a good point though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 11:28

Fraaahnces · 08/02/2023 10:55

I bet he leaves telling them up to you. He’ll be too chicken to be the bad guy.

I don't think he will actually. He wants to tell them it's his fault but I don't think telling them that is helpful. I think we're going to go for the 'people change, grow apart' etc. There is no need for them to know the gory details.

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 08/02/2023 11:32

Go to the Police NOW He is scum They will be able to recover the evidence Also throw him out !

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 11:38

THEDEACON · 08/02/2023 11:32

Go to the Police NOW He is scum They will be able to recover the evidence Also throw him out !

My choice, I'm choosing not to for damage limitation to my children. See discussions yesterday.

OP posts:
holrosea · 08/02/2023 12:11

For all the posters CAPS TYPING/YELLING things like "Go to the Police NOW He is scum They will be able to recover the evidence", please note that burgalry is practically legal in the UK due to lack of police resources and investigation.

The police have a notorious reputation for not taking cyber crimes seriously, not prioritising cyber crimes and not having the resources to investigate. I can 100% understand why the OP:

1- needs to take time for herself to assess the situation and the potential impact on herself and her kids.

2- has doubts about reporting because of the "collector" defence; the idea that if he had no intention to cause harm then the police will be unlikely to act.

3- may want to avoid the "Barbara Streisand" effect by which trying to remove/hide something on the internet actually has the opposite effect.

4- is not beholden to internet strangers who can tell her what to do like a bloody Sims character.

kateandme · 08/02/2023 13:33

holrosea · 08/02/2023 12:11

For all the posters CAPS TYPING/YELLING things like "Go to the Police NOW He is scum They will be able to recover the evidence", please note that burgalry is practically legal in the UK due to lack of police resources and investigation.

The police have a notorious reputation for not taking cyber crimes seriously, not prioritising cyber crimes and not having the resources to investigate. I can 100% understand why the OP:

1- needs to take time for herself to assess the situation and the potential impact on herself and her kids.

2- has doubts about reporting because of the "collector" defence; the idea that if he had no intention to cause harm then the police will be unlikely to act.

3- may want to avoid the "Barbara Streisand" effect by which trying to remove/hide something on the internet actually has the opposite effect.

4- is not beholden to internet strangers who can tell her what to do like a bloody Sims character.

I wish they had the resources. Op could help bring down the whole funking ring of bastards.hes got other I assume victims images too.so there is more like yge poor op.makes you rage for them all.

Notjusta · 08/02/2023 16:37

How are you doing today OP?

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 16:43

@Notjusta thank you for checking on me. I'm struggling today, I'm thinking of how empty the house will be when he has the children and I'm sobbing. I'm thinking of family holidays and how they won't happen any more. Him in the pool with the kids playing with them, me reading and reminding everyone to wear suncream. Shouting over each other in a game of Uno on the balcony. It's stupid and totally not helping but that's where I am today.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 16:44

I'm even thinking about 'what if I get dementia when I'm old' - It's crazy, but we've always talked about how we would look after each other in old age. I fell totally adrift. This is not what my life was meant to look like.

OP posts:
beautifulpaintings · 08/02/2023 17:06

Fraaahnces · 07/02/2023 03:35

I would also get police involvement. This will help you with custody of kids.

100% this. You really need to do this.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/02/2023 17:35

@TotallyLosttonight you are a very sensible lady- it isn't an edition of Eastenders.

Notjusta · 08/02/2023 19:36

TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 16:43

@Notjusta thank you for checking on me. I'm struggling today, I'm thinking of how empty the house will be when he has the children and I'm sobbing. I'm thinking of family holidays and how they won't happen any more. Him in the pool with the kids playing with them, me reading and reminding everyone to wear suncream. Shouting over each other in a game of Uno on the balcony. It's stupid and totally not helping but that's where I am today.

❤️ this is totally understandable. He has stolen your current and future life from you. You're obviously going to be sad. It's a kind of grief. But remind yourself he's chosen to do this. Actively and deliberately. Wanker.

Notjusta · 08/02/2023 19:37

Crikeyalmighty · 08/02/2023 17:35

@TotallyLosttonight you are a very sensible lady- it isn't an edition of Eastenders.

100% this

Pinkwithwhite · 08/02/2023 20:10

Could you try separation.
Counselling for each of you, as aswel as marriage counselling together.
I understand all the huge mixed emotions.
Whatever you do you WILL survive this. Sending lots of hugs

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 20:31

No, I can’t ever forgive what he has done.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 08/02/2023 21:07

It's completely normal to think the way you are. Your whole future now looks different to what you'd been imagining for the last 20 years, but you'll get through this OP, I promise.

Justforthissnippet · 08/02/2023 23:50

@TotallyLosttonight It’s normal to have thoughts like that, but over time a different future will unfold itself for you. It won’t be the same, but it won’t necessarily be worse. It might well be better.

I know it’s hard, but one day at a time for now. You’re doing so well.

Original poster
TotallyLosttonight · 09/02/2023 01:08

I’ve been sad all day but now I’m angry. He’s pathetic, he’s been crying and saying how sorry he is. I don’t care.

OP posts:
Justforthissnippet · 09/02/2023 02:37

Good - he might be genuinely sorry, he might be trying to manipulate you. But it doesn’t change what he did. Unforgivable, do he needs to stop burdening you with his emotions now. You’ve enough of your own to manage.

Desertbarncat · 09/02/2023 03:46

As someone who has had the same thing happen, I strongly encourage you to seek therapy when you can, it’s a nightmare, a huge betrayal and is also a criminal act to send explicit pictures of someone without their consent. Never ever ever let this man have access to you again. No matter what he says, it’s truly unforgivable and I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

freezingpompoms · 09/02/2023 04:50

TotallyLosttonight · 09/02/2023 01:08

I’ve been sad all day but now I’m angry. He’s pathetic, he’s been crying and saying how sorry he is. I don’t care.

I bet he's sorry, the stupid idiot has lost everything through lack of impulse control.

Hope you've slept.

WonkyFeelings · 09/02/2023 06:52

TotallyLosttonight · 09/02/2023 01:08

I’ve been sad all day but now I’m angry. He’s pathetic, he’s been crying and saying how sorry he is. I don’t care.

He’s only sorry he got caught.

TheaBrandt · 09/02/2023 08:22

I was going to post that Wonky. He’s sad for himself. I would be so tempted to wide eyed say that that the only thing that would fix it would be us sitting together and him posting equivalent pictures of himself on a gay porn website. Let’s see how he likes it.