Hand hold please, my marriage is over

[TotallyLosttonight]

I think it is. I found out tonight that my husband has shared photos of me (sexual ones) on an adult chat room. I’ve had a feeling something was up for a few months but tonight I saw it on his laptop. I’m totally disgusted and devastated. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. The photos have my face! He knows I know, he says he’s really sorry, he’s got a problem, thinks he’s a sec addict, he’ll get help…I told him he does need help but it’s too late for me.
I saw some pics on his laptop at Christmas and he made some stupid excuses. I wanted to believe him so I did, but my gut told me it wasn’t right. I tried to ignore that but tonight I realised the truth. We have 2 boys, aged 8 & 13.
what do I do?? I’m devastated and the one person I want to hug me and comfort me is the one who has caused this.

@TotallyLosttonight quite right too- do things at your own pace and in a way that suits you- not to someone's 'Eastenders' type timescale on mumsnet who doesn't have to deal with the fallout . Make sure you keep hydrated and if too in shock to eat properly- eat a banana or a yoghurt or soup etc -

I am sorry you don’t have any family or siblings to support you. You sound isolated from support. Your friends I am sure will really want to be there for you.

Being isolated gives him more power. The quicker you can get some support, the better it will be. He is hoping you will brush this under the carpet.
What a predator he is.
He knows exactly what he is doing. Please take care op.

Well let's hope his next partner is an exhibitionist who shares that kink ..... Otherwise he might end up prosecuted with all the accompanying risks/downsides in a few years time, regardless of whether he is let off the hook this time.

Thing I find is, that men often don't want the whole package of women who share their kinks; they want the respectable, nice, decent, responsible, faithful etc partner - qualities that don't often go hand in hand with the fetish, swinging etc community.

I'm so very sorry about this cluster bomb explosion to your life! If I were you I'd contact a family law/divorce solicitor who can possibly network and locate counsel r/t the pictures. Idk if I would contact the police but I truly shudder at the thought of your children one day seeing those pictures and that bastard you're married to needs to pay

Also, unless she is 100% onboard & happy & consenting (and perhaps even if she is) to me that reflects an attitude to his partner (and women in general) of "my possession, my trophy, my object".

While you try and deal with the awful emotional impact of his betrayal please see if there are some practical things you can do to protect yourself?

He is being reasonable now but may turn nasty when you stand up to him, so don't wait too long.

Think about email accounts, bank accounts, shared cloud photos and documents etc - can you change passwords, move money into your own single name account etc restrict his access to online admin and photos. Start planning ahead so that your money and photos and information are out of his reach. Change all your passwords and online logins to things he doesn't know.

What I meant by my earlier comment - is that men like this, predatory men know exactly what they are looking for. We see the same profile over and over again. And you fit the bill perfectly op.
They know vulnerability. They assess the chances of interventions, weigh up the lack of support, usually push boundaries to see how far they can take it/you and choose very wisely. It is pretty sickening how calculating it is 9/10. This is no accident. It is pre meditated abuse.

How many times have you agreed to things with him that made you uneasy op?

The faster you can get to grips with the man living in your house, and to truly understand how dangerous he is to you, the best chance you have of protecting yourself and your children fully.

He is being reasonable now but may turn nasty when you stand up to him, so don't wait too long

He's not even being reasonable now, he's panicking, and bribing and (sort of) coercing.

I'd consider the custody/residence statement to be underlaid by coercion/threat).

Hi OP

I am so sorry this is happening to you. What a massive betrayal.

I wanted to say that there are special companies / agencies who specialise in removing content from the internet. They could also do work to track emails and things you might not know / understand fully.
I would really consider having a Google and read up on using a service this this. You may not want to deal with it literally today but soon, the sooner you do it the sooner you will know the full extent.

i appreciate why you do not want to report him, despite it being a criminal offence. You may want to in time but you don’t have to make that decision now anyway.

i would probably make it a condition of you not reporting it that he hands over any and all videos, photos, email addresses and absolutely everything to do with it (what websites he’s used etc), laptops, phones etc and that he fully complies with any steps you take to ensure this material does not make its way any further than it’s already gone.

It is horribly invasive OP, the biggest breach of trust possible in a relationship I think. You will come out the other side, it’ll take time but you will.

Do you know the email address he had used to upload the content?

I think you need to contact the website and ask them to remove the content as its been posted without your knowledge or consent.

Personally, I would report it to the police. If you have no intention of doing that then you need to find a way of deleting all the adult content of you that he has. Not only on his devices but also the cloud. You don't want your kids coming across sexual images or videos in the future. The problem is once things are online you can't control where they go.

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you. I've no experience of this awful betrayal, but reading the sound advice from pp I'd suggest you get a solicitor and tell them everything as soon as possible, so you have someone who can prove how distressed you are by it and how quickly you registered what happened. Then when/if you decide to go to the police all of this is verifiable from now.
They might also be able to advise you on where to go to get all of this taken down. My worry was when you said it was emailed to individuals, as you have no idea where it might go after that. It may be re-uploaded elsewhere by other people, so you really do need professional help on that. Definitely keep that laptop.
Good luck with holding things together for your DC. I don't think going on holiday together is a good idea, as your H may become increasingly upset and angry. Being away from home and places to escape wouldn't be good. Take care of yourself

Ok so I've accessed his laptop and his onedrive and found his 'albums'. I found a folder called 'admin'. Sneaky bastard. All the photos and videos in it were the ones had of me, as well as lots of other women saved (I think photos he's been sent by his online buddies). I've deleted them all from his one-drive so he doesn't have them anymore (and the recycle bin) but not before I saved copies on a USB.

The other women are very likely to be victims as well, and worse still they may continue to have no idea - and the abuse is going to continue for them.

Have you any thoughts about that?

The other women are very likely to be victims as well, and worse still they may continue to have no idea - and the abuse is going to continue for them.

Have you any thoughts about that?

Back off. OP's got to protect herself and her children first. They're her priority. She's repeatedly said she doesn't know what she's going to do her but those other women being victims are not her fault.

yes plenty, but that's like telling a rape victim it's her responsibility to report it to protect others. The victim does not have any responsibility.

OP - I am so very sorry that this is happening to you.

I do not have any professional advice/experience on reporting to the police or not, but please find below a link to a Guardian article that details how perpetrators are able to outmanouevre the revenge porn law because "there is no intent to cause harm". As disgusting as this is, some men have completely gotten away with sharing intimate photos and videos without the permission of their partner by stating that they are "collectors" and that they get a sexual thrill out of sharing and collecting such images online. The text of the law explicitly states that a perpetrator has to intend harm to their victim and although he has clearly caused you harm, proving his intent to do so is incredibly difficult.

www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jan/06/i-have-moments-of-shame-i-cant-control-the-lives-ruined-by-explicit-collector-culture

The article also contains links to the Revenge Porn Helpline who would be far better placed to advise and support you :

revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

I am sending you all my best wishes and support.

if you report the police will be able to trace other victims. They are being violated in the same way as you. You are very very unlikely to be the only one.

I just feel you have the chance now to stop this. Not just for you but for the other victims. Knowing now that there are other women involved as well.

Thank you @holrosea , I'll look at those later.
I've taken screenshots of the hidden email account, the site he was using and his username on there. I'm gathering my evidence while I decide on what to do next.

I'm going to record a conversation tonight, the kids have sports clubs so we have some time to talk in private without them overhearing.

@TotallyLosttonight

Ok so I've accessed his laptop and his onedrive and found his 'albums'.

Well done OP, that's a great start. Now he can't post any more of you.

Can you log into your internet router and see what devices there are around the house? it should tell you if there are any hidden cameras.

You can also block access to porn sites on the router to stop him accessing the sites at home and the possibility that one of your kids might see something accidentally.

Also can you copy his internet history to see what websites he has visited where he might have shared your photos so you can contact them later for a take down.

And possibly install a trojan horse that monitors what he's doing on that laptop? Something like Qustodio might be your friend here.

Document all the steps you are taking to show you are safeguarding your kids and for bargaining chips for later.

The emotional side of it is really difficult and while we're urging you to take instant steps now, most of us also know it will take time for you to accept and come to terms with what's happened. Keep strong.

I'm scared to look at the browsing history

I've checked the router, nothing other than the devices I know of are connected.

Gathering evidence is the right thing to do, OP. Keep at it.

@TotallyLosttonight

I'd be too. But you don't need to look right now. Just copy it!