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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 07/02/2023 10:05

I’m grandmother age and, as long as the day was acknowledged with a card and a small gift I wouldn’t be fussed about a visit, although I would be delighted to see the family. I genuinely wouldn’t want to spoil the day of the younger Mum if they had plans. Having said that, “the torch has passed” is a horrible comment. It says she’s over the hill, I’m centre stage now, she should fade away, she’s no longer of any importance. Very nasty.

WandaWonder · 07/02/2023 10:07

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

It's not a competition, he could be just agreeing with you for an easier life and wouldn't dare disagree

If your op is genuine that is, she is still a mother

It is not all about you

EthicalNonMahogany · 07/02/2023 10:10

Bwaahahahahaha

If you DID graciously accept this terrible, terrible invite... who would be doing the cooking, for you and your family, on mother's day, OP?

Gawpygertie · 07/02/2023 10:15

I am happy to get a card.
I know my adult dc love me.
Mothers day really should be for mothers of young dc imo because it's a tough gig.
And the young dc delight in giving mummy breakfast in bed with a tablespoon to eat the cereal and half a glass of juice slopped over the tray!

Flossflower · 07/02/2023 10:19

toomuchlaundry · 07/02/2023 00:24

Wasn’t the tradition that servants could go home to their mother church and also see their families

Yes and years ago these servants were as young as 12

Flossflower · 07/02/2023 10:27

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 08:54

I agree with you @RumandSpinach when you're a dm of young dc you're in the thick of it, it is exhausting. It is these early Mother's days where you need rest more than ever, and dhs need to help to make this possible, as dcs are too young. I can't believe there are older women sitting begrudging this. When dcs are alittle older it will be far easier on everybody and for dh to go off and see his dm if wanted etc.

I completely agree with you. I hope my grandkids will be letting their mums have a long lie in and being throughly spoilt. I always get a card and chocolates or something else but it is Mothering Sunday and I am no longer mothering.
Does anyone with children under the age of 5 actually like going out with their kids in a large group? It is not relaxing

saraclara · 07/02/2023 10:28

I can't tell you how much I appreciate having loving DDs and caring sons in law, when I read some if these posts. The disdain for their own mothers and MILs from some posters is just awful.

In glad I'm not seen as unworthy of any attention because I've 'had my time'.
As I said earlier, I absolutely expect my DD with children to be her family's focus for much of the day, and of course if I lived a long way from my DDs, I wouldn't expect a special trip.

But if they or their partners just felt I wasn't worth any of their time because I'm 'not a mum any more' I'd feel pretty gutted.

Manthide · 07/02/2023 10:33

I try and see my mother on the day, even if only for a short while. She's still my mother and I still remember the sacrifices she made bringing me up. Most years my children all visit me ( only one at home now) unless dd1 can't get the time off as she'sa doctor. This year will be dd2's first Mother's Day and I'll understand completely if her husband wants to make it special for her. She'll probably arrange something for me afterwards.

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2023 10:37

saraclara · 07/02/2023 10:28

I can't tell you how much I appreciate having loving DDs and caring sons in law, when I read some if these posts. The disdain for their own mothers and MILs from some posters is just awful.

In glad I'm not seen as unworthy of any attention because I've 'had my time'.
As I said earlier, I absolutely expect my DD with children to be her family's focus for much of the day, and of course if I lived a long way from my DDs, I wouldn't expect a special trip.

But if they or their partners just felt I wasn't worth any of their time because I'm 'not a mum any more' I'd feel pretty gutted.

Same. I find the martyrdom pretty depressing too. The number of people who proclaim that they won’t want or expect anything from their adult children in the dim and distant future as if it’s some kind of badge of honour. If my kids behaved like some MN posters I’d think I’d completely failed as a parent.

Addicted2Sugar · 07/02/2023 10:39

My MIL drives me mental but I would never ever not see her with the family on Mother's Day, we all try to go out together us, her, my Mum and Dad, any extended family.
I can't understand how your husband doesn't want to be with her and doesn't feel guilty about it.
Is she not a nice person?

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 10:40

'Same. I find the martyrdom pretty depressing too. The number of people who proclaim that they won’t want or expect anything from their adult children in the dim and distant future as if it’s some kind of badge of honour. If my kids behaved like some MN posters I’d think I’d completely failed as a parent.'

We are all different and there is no need for that. The expectations you must have for your dcs.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/02/2023 10:41

I’m personally not bothered about MD but if she is, can’t you just call in for an hour at tea time with some flowers?

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2023 10:43

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 10:40

'Same. I find the martyrdom pretty depressing too. The number of people who proclaim that they won’t want or expect anything from their adult children in the dim and distant future as if it’s some kind of badge of honour. If my kids behaved like some MN posters I’d think I’d completely failed as a parent.'

We are all different and there is no need for that. The expectations you must have for your dcs.

Expectations that are regularly exceeded. 🤷‍♀️

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 10:44

🤔

30swith3 · 07/02/2023 10:58

There must be more to the back story here? Yes you can’t do it every year when you have plans with your children or your own Mum but every now and then doesn’t hurt? Just think if you’re a MIL one day, would you be happy with your kids responding in the same way? She’s still a Mum, and sounds like she’s trying to make an effort.

Overthiscrap · 07/02/2023 11:00

This is awful. Such an odd thing to post. I have always been under the impression that Mothering Sunday is for mums, step mums, nans, grans and anyone else who treats you like their child.
Why does she hand over the torch to you? She is still a mother and a grandmother. Unless there are other issues at play I can’t see why you would take that attitude.

I would be absolutely gutted if my boys and their parents take that attitude when they grow up.

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2023 11:05

It's not a competition, he could be just agreeing with you for an easier life and wouldn't dare disagree

Or his mum wasn’t a great mum and/or they don’t have a goodrelationship. We see plenty of threads of posters talking about toxic parents/upbringing, being the scapegoat, not the golden child, etc..

It is not out of possibility that there is a reason that has nothing to do with OP that her OH doesn’t want to spend time with his mother and does the bare minimum.

WaddleAway · 07/02/2023 11:06

The OP hasn’t come back anyway so looks like she’s already made her mind up.

Bluevelvetsofa · 07/02/2023 11:13

As long as there’s a card as an acknowledgment, that’s fine, as far as I’m concerned. They have busy lives, but it’s nice to be thought of.

Id be very upset if my family constantly refused invitations though. Beware ‘the torch has passed’ OP. One day, the torch will pass from you.

TheGoddessFrigg · 07/02/2023 11:19

Perhaps some Mumsnetters could club together and buy a nice ice floe to strand these awful demanding torch snatching OLD women on....

Sunshine275 · 07/02/2023 11:23

I understand this completely, my inlaws expect mothers and Father’s Day tea time to be spent with them, same with Easter Sunday it drives me nuts as as we want to do our own thing and it also means not getting home while later on a Sunday night with two kids.

magratvonlipwig · 07/02/2023 11:28

How horrible of you, shes still his mum, shes offering to cook so you still get the day off, and motherhood is for life, not just until the daughter in law decides you dont qualify any more .
You dont have to do it every year but, shes offering a lovely thing.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 11:30

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Beware you reap what you sow.

Two decades until "AIBU, my DIL said mothers day is about her not me so I shouldn't expect to see my kids on mothers day"

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2023 11:30

Id invite her round the week before and get dh to cook a roast dinner or go out for a roast dinner, obviously not everyone can do mothers day as they may have other plans

Im working, its the busiest Sunday of the year bar fathers day

marykay1 · 07/02/2023 11:30

Sad though! My mother ALWAYS spoke adoringly about her MIL, and I choose the same attitude! I will pass this on to my 4 kids too!