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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
bigbabycooker · 06/02/2023 21:30

Well some people will think I am horrendous for this, but I have refused to visit MIL on mothers' day - she has a house full of breakable China that she refuses to move and she almost always finds something that we did just to slight her (misplaced fork at table etc) when she has "made so much effort to host" - the martyrdom is extremely irritating when she has persuaded us to come to her. It's just not relaxing with small kids.

However, we do invite them out to the pub together and they come, so no one has to host. It's only fair if you live close for DH to acknowledge it in some way, but I think it is fair that mothers' day should be less hassle for the mum than standard days!

midnightblue12 · 06/02/2023 21:30

Think how lucky you are to have a family who wants to spend Mother's Day with you.
Then think of your MIL who clearly doesn't have this.

bigbabycooker · 06/02/2023 21:32

And DH makes sure that my MIL gets flowers from him

5128gap · 06/02/2023 21:35

Genevieva · 06/02/2023 21:09

It is Mothering Sunday not Grandmothering Sunday. Your husband can send her a card and give her a ring, but there is no need to make the day all about her.

She's not his grandmother. She's his mother. As far as he is concerned the day should indeed be about her. Its Mothering Sunday not Spousal Sunday.

Changechangechanging · 06/02/2023 21:37

AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Remember you said that when your future DIL is making excuses not to spend any time with you on special occasions

Genevieva · 06/02/2023 21:39

@bigbabycooker that was my paternal grandmother when I was growing up. We didn't go to her house from when I was about a year old until the youngest was about six years old. She didn't like toddlers and she seemed to despise little boys despite only having sons. I remember asking why we never went to their house and being told they had lots of fragile antiques that might get damaged. For years I had this vision of a house full of glass shimmering in the sunlight. Then of course we were finally allowed to visit and the house was quite normal!

Ragwort · 06/02/2023 21:39

I am a 64 year old mother but I still make sure my 90 year old mother has a lovely Mother's Day ... that's more important than 'celebrating' Hmm with my own DC & DH.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/02/2023 21:42

Genevieva · 06/02/2023 21:09

It is Mothering Sunday not Grandmothering Sunday. Your husband can send her a card and give her a ring, but there is no need to make the day all about her.

@Genevieva

Erm… do you realise…. op’s mil is still a mother!

it might blow your mind but guess what… when you become a grandma you don’t stop being a mother! who would have thought eh?! Not you that’s for sure!

after all when they want childcare… bet she’s deffo still a mother then! Got to owe your kids everything no matter how old they are and no matter what cost to you cos that just what mothers do!!

autienotnaughty · 06/02/2023 21:42

When my mum was alive I would see her and dh would see his mum. We do my pressies in morning and have a nice tea together. It's fine for her to invite you and it's fine for you to say no.

UWhatNow · 06/02/2023 21:43

Your words paint you as a smug, spiteful DIL. Why is the word invitation in quotation marks? You cba and neither can your DH… what a lovely couple you make. Hope that your own selfishness doesn’t rub off on your own DC. One day they may not want to bother with you - how would that make you feel?

Survey99 · 06/02/2023 21:44

AmillionReasons · 06/02/2023 19:46

*'This is just me pondering...but is it not a little bit like having your moment whilst they are young?

I have girls, and should they have children when they are older I would like to think that I would understand that it's then their turn to have some focus and attention on Mother's Day. I'm not saying I would be happy to be ignored, I'm just saying that whilst their children are young I will understand that I might get my visit the day before or something.'*

'A little like Christmas Day - I wouldn't want my children and future grandchildren rushing around in the morning to get to ours for dinner, I will have had my magical Christmas days when my children were young.'

Exactly this ^

Absolutely nothing like this.

Christmas is about parents having a special day giving surprises to their children. Mothers day is about children (even when they are adults) spending special time with their own mothers (not kowtowing to overly needy competitive spouses)

maddening · 06/02/2023 21:45

Dh and I go out on the Saturday with our respective mums and the Sunday is us so it all works out nicely.

For father's day I see my dad on the Saturday and spend the actual day with dh and ds.

crew2022 · 06/02/2023 21:50

As everyone else has said, she's also a mother. Try and think about other people not just yourself.

Showdogworkingdog · 06/02/2023 21:50

My eldest DS is 22, graduated last year and in his first proper job. He still lives at home but his gf lives an hour away (she’s still at uni) so he stays with her at weekends. I don’t hear from him or see him Thursday night to Monday night. I’m happy he has his own life and is finding his own way but realistically have accepted that, given a choice, he’s not choosing to spend any of his spare time with me. Fast forward a few years and I feel a text Mother’s Day will be my life too. He’ll always be my boy and it feels like it was five minutes ago he was a baby so this does make me sad. Unless she’s a complete cow bag, please be kind x

Genevieva · 06/02/2023 21:51

@LuckySantangelo35 When I become a grandmother I hope the following will be the case:

  • my children will be adults
  • my children will be able to support themselves
  • I will not be woken in the night every night, sometimes 10 times a night, by small children while trying to hold down a full-time job
  • I will not be the primary carer responsible for making sure these little bundles of need that I love so much grow up to be functioning adults.
Now it is possible that the above list won't work out and I become the primary carer (de facto mother) of my grandchildren. But assuming the above comes to pass, then I will be a mother of adults and the role of primary carer of actual children will have been passed to the next generation. So I will see Mothering Sunday as their day and I will be more than content either to receive a phone-call or card or to enjoy a day where the Mum of the children is the centre of attention.
OhmygodDont · 06/02/2023 21:51

I mean it’s dh’s job to spoil his mum then though not the op/dil.

can’t argue come Father’s Day if she decides to pop off to see her dad and leave him with the kids either. Both ways people. Yet it never is, is it. on here anyway. The mil always expects the grand gesture. Dil still care takes the children. Come Father’s Day. Dad expects to enjoy his day and relax. No grand gestures for the father in law his own dad either. But it’s his dad. But mothers day oh no no no.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/02/2023 22:01

Genevieva · 06/02/2023 21:51

@LuckySantangelo35 When I become a grandmother I hope the following will be the case:

  • my children will be adults
  • my children will be able to support themselves
  • I will not be woken in the night every night, sometimes 10 times a night, by small children while trying to hold down a full-time job
  • I will not be the primary carer responsible for making sure these little bundles of need that I love so much grow up to be functioning adults.
Now it is possible that the above list won't work out and I become the primary carer (de facto mother) of my grandchildren. But assuming the above comes to pass, then I will be a mother of adults and the role of primary carer of actual children will have been passed to the next generation. So I will see Mothering Sunday as their day and I will be more than content either to receive a phone-call or card or to enjoy a day where the Mum of the children is the centre of attention.

@Genevieva

good for you
but you don’t speak for all women clearly

colette1970 · 06/02/2023 22:02

I agree she is still his mother .

AmillionReasons · 06/02/2023 22:03

'Think how lucky you are to have a family who wants to spend Mother's Day with you.
Then think of your MIL who clearly doesn't have this.'

Did the op say MIL doesn't?

Ginger1982 · 06/02/2023 22:04

You don't stop being a mother when your kids have kids. What are you doing for your own mother OP? What is so awful about going to your MIL's house?

AmillionReasons · 06/02/2023 22:08

'and im sure that mum’s mum (and her partners mum) will have done just the same back when their offspring were toddlers.'

That's a terrible outlook, so because you had it bad sod the next generation!

KickHimInTheCrotch · 06/02/2023 22:12

Goodness me, what a lot of fuss. I get a cup of tea in bed and some cards from the DC then it's back to business as usual for the day. I send cards to my mum and my grandma and sometimes flowers, because it's a nice thing to do and I appreciate both of them. I don't need to be the centre of attention all day to know I am loved by my DC. Get over yourself.

maddy68 · 06/02/2023 22:15

It's your DHs mother though. Shouldnt he be with her on mother's Day. You aren't his mum?

Oldnproud · 06/02/2023 22:15

5128gap · 06/02/2023 21:35

She's not his grandmother. She's his mother. As far as he is concerned the day should indeed be about her. Its Mothering Sunday not Spousal Sunday.

Show quote history

I was about to say the exact same thing, 5128gap.

SultanOfSwing · 06/02/2023 22:16

If she invites you every year and every year you decline, then it is time you went to hers! Why can’t you both be pampered? It isn’t a zero sum game.